O.K., this is it. I’ve reached my limit, I can’t believe what I have been doing, letting him treat me this way, coming and going as he pleases. Letting him have my heart. How the heck should I expect him to respect me when I have lost all respect for myself. He tells me everything, I get to hear how he loves her and how he just doesn’t think that he can give her up, yet he loves me too, loves what we have and he knows we could have a great life together, if only he hadn’t met her. I get to hear all about how wonderful she is, how she makes him feel, yet he’s going to make this life changing decision without giving her all the facts. The fact that he still has very deep feelings for me, the fact that he still makes love to me (often), the fact that he really doesn’t know if he will be happy with her. Heck, he can’t even be truthful with her, he can’t even be himself with her and he wonders why he’s so confused. He has to be someone he’s not with her, remember, she’s a professional woman with no kids. He has to be Mr. professional when he’s with her, perfect in every way. Well, if that’s what he wants, to live his life being someone he’s not then go for it. I kept having hope, because I keep seeing my old husband coming back, the one with the morals, values, principles that I fell in love with, I don’t know who this person is and neither does he. I don’t know what happened last night, we had a beautiful night on Saturday and Sunday we went to church together, just the two of us, but then after, I had to hear about the confusion again, what she gives him. He went back to his apartment Sunday night and I just laid in bed all night thinking what am I doing, I need to function again, I need to stop obsessing over this, I need to get on with my life without him for my sake and for the sake of our girls. She tells him everything will be o.k. The girls will be o.k., they will be happy eventually. Well, I feel so much better that she knows so much, now we are all putting our life in her hands because she tells him we’ll all be happy. The only one that’s going to get immediate gratification is the selfish bi** that he can’t even be truthful with. I read him the part of Dr. Laura’s new book that says “people who hide and manipulate truth in order to get or keep someone in their lives does not love that person, they just want that person". I’m done ranting, on to figuring out the rest of my life and where it is heading. Don’t get me wrong, I have done a wonderful Plan A, even started before I knew what Plan A was, he’s back to being in love with me again, just prefers her. So, since I’ve made all these great changes within myself, I do feel confident that I will once again have the life I deserve, I will be here for our children, I’ll never let them down and I won’t prevent him from seeing them, but it’s going to be on a schedule and what’s convenient for me and the girls, not for him and his professional woman! I feel really good that I got that off my chest, thanks for listening!

You sound really good. You are at a good place. You have done plan A now on to Plan B. Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson? You are right about the respect thing. I love it when someone wakes up and says "enough is enough". Not everyone gets to that place and it always concerns me. Funny how that is the place where people will start to see real change. Change in yourself and in your outlook and usually in the spouse when they come running/groveling home.

Sounds like you are in a perfect spot for Plan B.<p>Textbook example!

I agree with the prior posts - sounds like you might be ready for Plan B. Think about it sincerely, though. Make sure you're thinking this way, not in the short-term because of anger, but because you firmly believe it as part of your heart. If you look there and see that it's "for real" - then get busy! Your life is waiting for you! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Plan B sounds great right now, but you need to know what you are fully getting yourself into. I would suggest, even though you want him to see your girls, that you should have him fully realize what he is missing. I mean everything! Girls, you, home, emotional support, etc. needs to vanish from him. He must eventually make a choice, so force him to see what life would be like without everything he currently has with you. Plan B is tough, but it sounds like if you can do Plan A with all that mental abuse you can handle it. If you want your husband back you need to make sure he hits rock bottom. You have shown him everything, in its best light, of the lifestyle he will miss. Let me make the suggestion that what is best for your girls is that they have their REAL father. You have taken enough it sounds like and need to focus on yourself. So try! Fight, and prepare yourself if you want your man!

hurting3475 <p>It does sound like you are ready for Plan B. Is that your plan?<p>As for the girls, you are right that putting in place a visitation schedule is the way to go. Usually it's something like every other weekend and one night during each week. Of course if there are teens, this would have to be worked around their schedules.<p>You are on the right path IMHO.

hurting
Have you read the post by TryingAgain, "Hey CarolKH...can you elaborate on your story?". Please read it. I'll bump it up for you.

After reading your story and the most recent events, and knowing your Plan A was effective in as it gave you strength to change and successfully demonstrated those changes to your H, I VOTE PLAN B. <p>A VERY strong Plan B, no messin around. No waffling.<p>Lets see your draft Plan B letter on next post, Hon.<p>Jo<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hurting----you are right in moving forward. I can relate to where you are. My WS has done all of the above...telling me he wants himself back, telling our kids he is working on getting back with me, going through deep depression, spending all quality time with OW and then coming here to vent and "talk" and cry. Well I came to realize that I have had enough. He has pulled me inside out one too many times and I cannot understand why I would want to be married to someone who uses people and can't seem to find his way out of misery. <p>I say let OW be his support and his shoulder and let her see all his wonderful faults. They have to start to come out soon cause he has been on his best behavior. Sometimes I get caught up in the fact that she is so wonderful that he has changed for her but never for me but only time will tell if this is true. I had to let go completely and I felt like I just went through major surgery without anesthesia but I have never felt so free and so at peace!!!! <p>I am getting informed on divorce proceedings, cleaning out the cellar, changing our voice mail message and getting prepared for a possbile divorce.<p>There is LIFE without WS...too bad they don't want what is best for them.<p>TW

I'm working on Plan B letter. Found one a couple of weeks ago on this site that I really liked. I'm going to do a search for it right now so i have something to go by.<p>thank you all so much for your support. I'll keep you posted.

I wrote abt my saga here on this thread:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014880<p>I used techniques from just about everyone. I used a tough love technique when I gave my H a speech (which I had prepared before hand and basically memorized) about my boundaries and him abusing my friendship (he was taking me for granted....would come over and let me feed him, or take him to dinner or bring take out to his apt, but for a while there he was not reciprocating (yet he sure took out the EA-OW a lot, which just made me want to chew nails, aarrgghh!!!). He admitted he had not treated me like a friend, altho he then went on to give me the speech he did not want to "date" me because he did not want me to get ideas he was coming back (we were having VERY hot sex around this time however). BUT, after my little speech he made sure he invited me and our daughter out, instead of just coming over here, etc. (I had told him I would just as soon he left me completely alone if he could not treat me as you would a friend).<p>Hope my story helps. I got the basics written in that thread, but there was SO much more detail to it...it went on for 1 1/2 yrs, and from the start it was a most unusual separation, even tho when he left he said he wanted a divorce.<p>Carol
PS. We are SOOOOOOO happy now.

Not really much to add here. I did find the plan B letter that I will use to help me develop mine, if I need to. <p>You know that old roller coaster keeps going up and down. Just one night of me going out and going shopping, but of course not telling him where I was going, and he wants to come home. He just doesn't know how to do it. He says that he now realizes that he doesn't really love her, he just wants her. Must have been that quote I read him from Dr. Laura "People who manipulate the truth to have someone in their lives don't really love that person, they only want them". He told me today that he's starting to feel like all the stuff I gave him to read told him he would feel. I think she's been doing a lot of LB's, but of course I don't ask. I'm just playing it cool for the next couple of days to see what transpires.

WH called this morning and said that he left a VM with a priest that he has known through an organization he belongs to. He doesn't want to talk to our priest, doesn't feel comfortable. He said he's hoping that maybe he can take the priest out to dinner to talk to him tonight or ASAP. I know that he's so unsure of being truly forgiven, even though he knows deep down that if he is truly sorry he will be. I think he just needs to hear it from someone of authority.<p>He also told me that a year ago his thinking was "I have a right to be happy" and that's why he didn't have any guilt for what he was doing. He admitted that just maybe the OW may have put that idea in his head, but he did run with it. He said that OW is very upset that he wants to talk to a priest, can't understand why. Also doesn't understand his confusion, as she puts it, "we have come so far, I'm not giving up now". I told him that the reason she says you have come so far is because she has no clue how far we have come. Of course I didn't add this because I thought it would be a LB, but the reason she has no idea how far we have come is because he hasn't told her that I've become the OW. He's actually talking about sitting down and writing the no contact letter. He took the book SAA with him and he said he is going to use it to craft his letter. I didn't want to bring up the fact that I'm supposed to o.k. the letter and send it with him, thought that might be pushing things and I don't want to do that.<p>He also told me this morning that he doesn't have a plan on when he is going to come home, he doesn't want to move back only to move out again. He said when I come back it's going to be for good and we are going to celebrate. <p>I just need to keep my distance and be there for him, I know that and I'm willing to do that for a little while longer any way.