My wife and myself have been going to the same counselor seperately now for the past eight weeks. This past Saturday was the first time we went together. I don't think it went to well because my wife (WS) started raising her voice and yelling at me in front of the counselor. The counselor let her say what she wanted to say and then towards the end the counselor interupted her. My wife says I have always questioned what she has done in our relationship. Some of it is true but not all of it. We all question from time to time when we are in a relationship. I believe that comes along with a relationship.
The counselor didn't reschedule us together for this week. Should I think that is a good or a bad thing? The counselor is going to see both of us seperately this week. About the only thing that I think my wife took away from the counseling is that the counselor said that guys are different then women. So some of the things that guys do and how they do it is because they are a guy. My wife did acknowledge the fact that the counselor did say I did what I did regarding a job decision because I was a guy. This is in regards to my wife wanting to take a job out in Portland when she graduated from college. She had less then two weeks to accept or decline the job. I looked for a job in the two weeks but I couldn't find one so I told her I thought it was for the best that she turn it down. I honestly said this because I have always felt and always will feel that I want to provide for my wife. I really wished I earned enough money so she didn't have to work but that isn't the case. My wife said because I questioned her decision that I am always questioning her decision. I will admit I have questioned her decision on some things such as her buying some new clothes or something like that. I have learned now that this makes her real mad.
So in a nut shell I didn't think the counseling went well at all. It is hard for me to think that the first time we went together it ended up like that. I am not sure that is a good first step if you know what I mean.
Any feedback or advice?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
I believe that comes along with a relationship.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes, questioning does come with any relationship. In fact, questioning should come with becoming an adult. However, if one spouse has the act of questioning as an issue, then this questioning behavior needs to be looked at more closely. Are you questioning everything? How do you approach her in your questioning. Perhaps you need to look at it from her perspective and see if you should handle it differently. Perhaps your counselor can help you in handling this.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
The counselor didn't reschedule us together for this week. Should I think that is a good or a bad thing?
<hr></blockquote></strong><p>I'm not sure you need to look at it either way yet. Perhaps your counselor wants to look over the events and then discuss things with each of you seperately. Especially since your W seemed to get rather emotional, as you described it. Wait until your next counseloring session and see what happens.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
This is in regards to my wife wanting to take a job out in Portland...I looked for a job in the two weeks but I couldn't find one so I told her I thought it was for the best that she turn it down. I honestly said this because I have always felt and always will feel that I want to provide for my wife.
<hr></blockquote></strong><p>I'm not sure whether you providing for your W is nearly as important as what your W wants to do. Look at it this way:
Your wife wants to work in Portland.
You didn't find a job there.
You instructed her to forget the job there.
She is not working in Portland.<p>Not everything is about what you like or don't like. Perhaps you need to look at what she wants and likes and give that a little more consideration. I know she would appreciate it.<p>Wait until your next counseling session to determing is the joint session was a good or bad. It may have been both. However, it may have been good for your relationship but you may not like what that means.<p>Give your W some room. Back off and don't question any of her decisions until at least your next counseling session. Then you will be better able to see what's going on andhow to handle it.<p>Hope this had helped.
jdb<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: J.D. Black ]</p>

Ooooh, this reminds me so much of my earliest therapy sessions! Your wife sounds the way that I did...<p>The Portland thing was a big deal! Don't downplay it.<p>She may feel like I did...that I didn't have a voice...that what I wanted didn't matter unless 1) my SO agreed with it arbitrarily, or 2) I could somehow "state my case".<p>It doesn't sound like a big deal...but to someone with communication problems it's a HUGE deal. If you don't know how to effectively communicate...well, you never get what you want. If you never get what you want (or never feel like you have a "say" in the relationship) then you feel neglected, frustrated, and that how you feel and what you want doesn't matter. Any questioning from the SO, the one who gets to make ALL THE DECISIONS, is a huge LB.<p>Does this make any sense? I don't know if I'm expressing what I'm trying to say effectively...but this was a very important thing that my SO had to realize before we could move on and make progress. My own SO was very bad at disrespectful judgements, "I'm right and you're wrong"...does this sound like you...if it does, can you admit it and be ready to apologize for it?<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

I appreciate the advice very much so. I know I am not perfect and I have made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. I have questioned my wife before on things we have choosen to do. Through the lack of communication on both of our sides resulted in where we are at today. She assumed I would say "NO" to everything she would asked so she would stop asking.
Both myself and our counselor said my wife is not good at communicating exactly what it is she wants. I am hoping through all of this that we develop that portion of the relationship that was never really there. I hope it isn't too late to build upon our relationship.
Since I caught my wife in her affair she has stated several times that she doesn't want to be questioned. In my plan A I feel I have not questioned her and given her an open door to talk to me about anything she wants. I still feel there is a lot she is holding back but with time I am hoping she will open up.
Marriage is never easy and I hope my wife see's with some work that our relationship could be better then it ever was.

You're very correct -- both you and your wife have some skills to work on.<p>You'll need to work on your listening skills, that's a fact...but she absolutely has to realize that she's not communicating effectively and that she needs to improve in this area. You aren't a mind reader, right? Unless she can effectively tell you what she needs, she can't totally fault you when she doesn't get it. Be patient with each other while you work on these skills.<p>Good luck...you'd be amazed at how many issues can be worked through with effective communication skills. Neither of you should beat yourselves (or each other) up too much, either...you both did the best that you could with the tools available to you at the time. The important thing to do now is to learn from your mistakes and move forward...both of you.<p>[ January 22, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

TTF,
I agree I have to work on my listening skills. I didn't really get what my wife was trying to say in the way she was saying it. She thinks she came out and just told me but it really wasn't that way. The counselor even said that we can't read other peoples mind. The worse part in all of this is that I am working on the marriage. My wife hasn't quite thrown herself into the whole thing yet. I would say she is only there about 20% on working on the marriage. She said that by her being at home that is working on the marriage enough. I am hoping with some time that she will want to work on things even more. It is hard to not expect her to work on the marriage like I am but I am learning to live with it. I am just hoping it isn't too late.....