I'm new here, though dday was over a year ago. To sum it all up, when I was 7 months pregnant I found out H was having an EMA with a 20 yr old girl (I'm 31, he's 27). I was devastated, to put it mildly. We had a 1 yr old boy and I never doubted we would be together forever. My H denied everything at first, but little by little, I found out everything. I retrieved emails and discovered how involved their 8 month affair was. They went on trips, declared their love for each other and even included my son in their outings. I was sick to find this all out and still am today. After I found out, H saw her one more time, then ended it when I gave him an ultimatum. He seems to have kept his word. Seems is the key word b/c I dont know that I will ever believe a word out of his mouth. We were in counseling before dday, so he was lying to me and the counselor. After dday, we found a new counselor and have been working at our relationship since. Thats one of the problems, I feel like it is sooo much work. I still think of the affair daily, so many things are a reminder and can bring me to tears very easily. I hate the person I have become. I used to be happy all the time, always a smile on my face. Now, the smile is still there, but I have to force it.
I used to be able to forgive very easily, but now I dont think I will ever be able to forgive him for cheating for so long, the whole time I was pregnant. He exposed me and our baby to Lord knows what. He lied and cheated and didnt care anything about our family. How can I possibly rebuild with someone who could do that? However, I must admit in the 13 months since Dday, H has been making a super effort. Makes sure I can reach him at all times, very loving, great father etc. I dont know what to do. I dont know what scares me more, staying with someone who I will never be completely happy with, or having to share my children and only be a part time parent. I love my children more than anything else in life and even thinking about missing any time with them just kills me. I'm crying right now just thinking about it! It's so unfair that I am forced to make this decision. I wish I could just find a way to forgive and once again believe in and love my H. Sorry, so long winded. Any advice?

Hi heartbrkn,
Welcome to Marriage Builders! I hope you are reading all you can on this website to get as much information as you can.<p>A few things really stood out in your post. First off, has he been completely OPEN with you about the details of the affair? Has he answered your questions to your satisfaction? If he has not, that would explain why you are having such a rough time forgiving and trusting him. It will take FOREVER to rebuild trust when the WS acts in an untrustworthy manner by withholding information. <p>For some reason you are STUCK and not able to move forward. Wouldn't it help if you got back into individual counseling to help you work through this? I am not implying that you will EVER get over this, you won't. But you can get to a point where you do have peace of mind and are not thinking about it all the time.<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>

heartbrkn<p>Welcome, I'm rather new here myself and have been through what you are going through now, but mine doesn't have a very happy ending right now. If H is being completely honest with you and isn't hiding anything from you, you can get over it, I know right now it seems hopeless but I did it several times before, my H just couldn't stop with 1 or 2 affairs but had 19 of them, one lasted for about a year and a half and two of the others were my friends. I was able to go on after all of that and still fight to make my marriage work, it was until just recently I couldn't do it anymore. But your H must want to be completely open and honest with you and not hide anything from you including his secret life. Let me know how things are going.
Squirt

Heart,<p>So many of us here understand what you're feeling. I'm struggling with the same dilemma myself. I feel like I'll never feel truly loved by this man because of what he did. If he could fall in love with someone else, then what on earth was it he was professing to me?<p>If I didn't have children with him, I would definitely have been long gone by now, so I understand that struggle, too. I even suspect that if we somehow manage to patch things up long enough to get the children raised, that THEN I will dump him if I haven't already.<p>I'm really having a hard time giving up the dream of being really and truly loved by someone, loved and respected enough for him to stand by me through everything and not abandon me. I'd at least like to be respected enough to be told that I've been dumped instead of being stabbed in the back with an A.<p>My H gave me an STD, and I am a nursing mother, so he not only endangered me, but my baby, too, so I totally understand that betrayal. Feels like he tried to kill us. I still have to keep going back for more HIV tests before I can be sure I'm out of the woods.<p>Now, even with all that, I'm still willing to see what might happen because of hearing the success stories here at MB. It sounds like your H is doing WAY more than mine is as far as accountability and consideration, so that is in your favor. I don't think we should ever feel obligated to trust them again. Even Dr. Harley says no one should trust their spouse.<p>I agree that if you have any unanswered questions, you should ask them and get the answers you need. My H finally came clean with a lot of stuff he was still denying, and even though it was painful to know the truth, it helped because he finally respected me and our M enough to be honest at least that much.