My H has a employee at work that he was emotionally attracted to and obsessed about leaving our marriage so he could actively pursure her. I found out one year ago.<p>The question is: if he shared with her his plans to divorce me and told her he should not have ever settled for me since we were too young to make such life decisions when we married, asked her to join his new business as a partner, and then when I discovered his obsession after I found his e-mails to his bussiness female partner discussing the details of his divorcing me and pursuing the employee...... he denied that it was very serious though he was going through the fog and wouldn't allow me to touch or talk to him...for months.<p>Is this called an emotional affair if she has not told him that she knows about or admitts to liking him back? Does this make her innocent? Does this mean that it would be hurting an innocent person if my H does not ask her to follow him to his new business?<p>When I found out about this, I felt the same as other betrayed spouses do. Just as described in Harley's books.... Am I being vindictive if I feel so strongly about her still working with him? I feel as though we are in limbo still. He says that I should just get over it that he is not attracted to her anymore....<p>Please help me determine if I am on the right track or if I am mistaken....<p>Signed
Still Confused

I think you have every right to feel confused it does not seem as though he has given you a good enough explanation. I would ask him what it was that he felt was lacking in your relationship. What made him have this emotional affair. If I were you i would not feel satisfied with his response and i would try to talk to him about the entire situation. If you never know the whole truth you can never feel completly satisfied or at ease with the whole thing. Personally I would think about what a marriage means to the both of you and find away to resolve the matter. If he is not willing to share his feelings than he has other issues. maybe you should try couples therapy it is alot easier to talk with an unbiased person who is not judging or begrudging you.

It is not whether this OW knows of your H's affection for her or not. It is the fact that your H was going to leave his M for her. IMO, that is enough to require separation from the "lover" for life as Harley recommends. If she doesn't know about your H's infatuation, then he probably wouldn't need to do the no-contact letter, but then again we only have his word about that, right?<p>I would not feel comfortable in such a situation. If he refuses to separate from her for life as Dr. Harley recommends, then you have some choices: Accept it, Leave him, or Follow the program in SAA with the recommended 6-month Plan A followed by an 18-month Plan B if he still does not separate from her. It couldn't hurt to start Plan A and see if you can live with the situation as is, knowing you can always go to Plan B.

To be an affair, emotional or otherwise, it would require the participation of the other person. You can't hold someone accountable as being the other person if the other person is minding his or her own business. <p>Sounds to me like your husband could be obsessed about this other person. For all you know, she may not be interested in him at all.<p>Speaking from experience, an EA requires two people. Both parties become emotinonally attracted to each other. There isn't any physcial contact, though some would argue that it is only a matter of time. In my case, I never met the person in the flesh, so the EA never turned into a PA. How did it happen? In my case, it was simple. My ex had no interest in me as a person, in my work, what I did during the day, what I thought, how I was feeling. The OP made me feel good about myself. Would I divorce over an EA...noway. It ended, and I felt like I had lost my bestfriend.<p>Talk to you husband and ask about this partnership. Listen to him and don't accuse unless you know for a fact that what is happening is wrong. Don't assume that this woman is an active participant. She may be an ambitious person who thinks she is being rewarded for her work. <p>Your husband may be completely different at work. I once worked with a man who confided in me that he hadn't had sex with his wife in six years. I sat there wondering why in the world he felt he needed to share that with me. I certainly wasn't interested in him, but I felt bad for him, so I listened. Maybe that is all this other woman did with your husband.

Sounds rather familiar!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Is this called an emotional affair if she has not told him that she knows about or admitts to liking him back? <hr></blockquote><p>I finally settled on calling my H's a "one-sided EA". He fell inlove with her, they had some friendly lunches, etc., but when he told her how he felt she told him to forget it. Nevertheless, he spent months getting over her, and had already out a deposit down on a place to move out to when he finally told me why he was so miserable. So, from his point of view, it was defintely an emotional affair. From her POV, I think he was a friend who misunderstood her intentions.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Does this make her innocent? Does this mean that it would be hurting an innocent person if my H does not ask her to follow him to his new business?<hr></blockquote><p>I really don't think guilt or innocence is the issue...this isn't a court of law. But, it would be VERY UNWISE for your H to aske her to follow him to a new business.<p>Good luck--<p>Kathi

Still,
I would have to say that I DO consider this an emotional affair, just one-sided as kam said above. <p>I just found out that my h's (what I thought was one-sided) a from last year was actually of a more physical nature and I truly feel your pain. And no, it's not more painful because I found out about the P side of it. It was his betrayal of our marriage by telling another woman he didn't love me and wanted to be with her.<p>I think it would be a huge,huge, HUGE mistake for him to have her join him in the new business, regardless of whether she participatd in the a or not.

Thank you for answering my question. I appreciate your time.<p>I guess it does not matter if she knows if he had an EA for her. It matters that I feel betrayed, humiliated, abandoned, and that my whole world flipped upside-down. In one moment, my marriage became a very unsafe place to be.<p>I know that I did not behave( before EA) in a very mature way and I have apologized to my H for my behavior and attitudes. I am practicing to change my habits in conversing with him and to treat him with respect...<p>I do not want to have her in our lives indefinately. I already have to learn how to relate with his family and with his hobby. I have enough on my plate to relate to...<p>Any advice on how to Plan A? Do I state it to him or just start doing it as a way of life? Thank you for your answers,
signed,
Still Confused

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HappyMac:
<strong>To be an affair, emotional or otherwise, it would require the participation of the other person. You can't hold someone accountable as being the other person if the other person is minding his or her own business.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>However, Dr. Harley has very specific instructions for this type of situation and is very emphatic about the danger even if the object of affection has no idea of their status. And he even makes the point that separation from such a person for life may be necessary even if they are not accountable for the problem. Please read Dr. Harley's advice about R.J.'s case which is very similar to this one:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html<p>Dr. Harley says you cannot be complacent about the danger presented to a M when one spouse is attracted to someone else, even if that someone else is totally innocent.

Conqueror,<p>thank you for your response. I have read the article that you mentioned. These are not easy times. This has been over a year of troubling emotions and feelings while at the same time having to "live Life".<p>signed,
Still Confused