I woke up this morning realizing how I destroyed my marriage, my family, my career over my affair. I wrote down every e-mail address, every phone number, PO address that I used to contact her on a piece of paper, even every reminder (songs, etc).<p>THEN I CROSSED EACH ONE OUT!!!<p>At the bottom of the note, I wrote "Goodbye <OW>. I no longer want to destroy my life for you" <p>I just tore up the piece of paper and threw it away.

Hi Marshall..Im a BS . From experience, tell your wife about, helps with recovery, and get out of A . You are right, it is and will not be worth what you will lose over it. Think about what you are giving up, for what?.....A feeling?.... Would be alot easier to tell your W what it is you're getting from this A and allow her the chance to meet those needs. And get those needs met with no guilt, shame, or hurt to you or your family. I see you've gotten lots of good advice so far here, sure hope for your sake and your family's you take advice to heart. Praying you do the right thing, Good Luck, Take care, Linda

marshall,<p>Horray to you. Ditto what Linda said. Be completely honest with your W. It will be necessary to rebuild the trust. Introduce your W to MB's. There is alot you both can learn here to help your recovery. Good luck and God bless.<p>sad dad

Welcome home, Marshall.<p>You have taken the hardest step, but there's a lot of work in front of you. The good news is that the track record indicates your reward, if you and W are successful, is well worth it.<p>Please suck all the knowledge you can out of the helpful folks on this forum. Be prepared for tough questions and high emotions.<p>You can recover and we'll help you.

deleted duplicate post<p>[ January 22, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

Okay so what did you do with the birthday gift? Did you tell your wife about it? Just curious...

Marshall59 <p>I know that what you are doing is very hard. It is also takes a lot of character to arrive at this point and do the right thing.<p>From what you just said here, you have been living a very involved secret life. Have you read the MB material... in particular the book "Surviving an Affair"? There are some very intersting points made in that book. One of them is that an affair can only happen/continue if a person can lead a secret, second life. The e-mail addresses, phone number, PO address are all part of your secret life. From experience, one of the best ways to end your secret life and to rebuild your trust quotient is to open that secret life to your wife. Go to your wife and tell her that you know you what you did hurt her and was wrong. Tell her that you are having a terrible time putting a stop to the affair and need her help. That you are going to need to be radically honest with her about everything.<p>Give her the list you wrote. In addition give her the passwords to your email accounts. The phone number and all the bills to that account. Did you use IM to communicate with the OW too? If so give your wife that info too. And give her the address and key to your PO box. Tell her that OW has been calling you at work. Tell her about and show her the gift. <p>Then let your wife do with these things what she will. Let her monitor your email accounts, or better yet close them out. Let her close out the phone. Or let her have it for a while and let her intercept any phone calls from OW. Let her check the PO box and close it down. Either let her have total control of these things if you can, or be with her to close it all down. But make the decission of what to do with all of this a joint one... POJA.<p>Then write the OW a no-contact letter. There is a copy of it in the Surviving an Affair book. In it tell your her that your wife knows of all the above. So there is nothing private in your life anymore. Any further attempt to communicate with you will also be communicating with your wife.<p>Then, to further help you end your secret life. Install a key stroke tracker software on your computer(s) at home (www.iopus.com). Then give your wife the password to it. This way both of you can see exactly what the other is doing on the computer.<p>The above are the types of things my H has done to help him stop his secret life and to rebuild his trust quotient with me. It's worked wonderfully.<p> Let the light of radical honest shine on that part of your life.<p>God Speed,

This is all well and good, but you do need to tell wife everything, and practice rules of extraordinary precautions. You also have to go deep and figure out why you had an affair and deal with those issues, not sweep it under rug as a MLC or some such. Also why did you delete your posts about recieveing a gift from the ow? Makes no sense, are you not going to tell your wife? If you don't, this revelation here is a bunch of bull sh**....and you are kidding no one but yourself.

Talk to your Wife - for sure. Let her know just what you did. She will appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your emotions. Look to her for support, but be prepared for anger and questions at times. Your Wife will go through hell as well.
A great book to get is "After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring.

You the MAN!!!<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
who

Hi Marshall, Many heartfelt congratulations for you and your family...how long did it take you to come to your senses??

I was in a hotel this morning...the note went in the trash. Wife has access to both my personal and work e-mail, as well as password to voice mail. Cell phone number has been changed...OW doesnt now it. The "secret" e-mail accounts are all gone and have been for a while. We did not exchange IMs. No contact letter written and sent.<p>Radical honesty with my wife is in the works. We have both read MB materials.<p>The birthday gift was thrown out last week.

When I am out of town, I call my wife several times a day to let her know I am thinking about her.<p>I now have an incredible feeling of relief about this.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Great to hear of your discovery...you are on the narrow path (the one that is best but also hard). Don't let anything cause a detour. You
WILL find great reward in doing what is right. <p>God Bless you and your family.

Marshall, you have taken the steps to recover your marriage, good for you. Keep up the calls from out of town to your W. She will need reassurance of your commitment on a regular basis. My WH is a pilot, and his trips can send me into a downward spiral...Keep reading and postine, and encourage your W to do so also. Prayers to you, Ladysing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Ladysing58:
<strong>Marshall, you have taken the steps to recover your marriage, good for you. Keep up the calls from out of town to your W. She will need reassurance of your commitment on a regular basis. My WH is a pilot, and his trips can send me into a downward spiral...Keep reading and postine, and encourage your W to do so also. Prayers to you, Ladysing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I call, I talk, I keep reassuring her of my love for her. I am talking the talk, walking the walk...now I am longing for the true feeling of intimacy to come back. Will it?

I typed a long reply and dang it, I got cut off and lost it.<p>But, yes those feelings will return. I worried and worried about the same thing. My therapist finally told me "those are the FIRST feelings to go, and the LAST to return"...The good news is that it can happen, but it takes some work.<p>I recommend spending time together. Explore and develop new interests. My husband and I had gotten to the point of doing EVERYTHING separately. We started going to the beach. We spent hours sitting under the umbrella together reading and talking. We bought college football season tickets. I had always felt watching football was like watching paint dry. I started watching and trying to understand the game. We bought bicycles and started riding on a local bike trail. I started exercising and we walked together every night. We started redoing and painting the house. After years of affairs, we had sorta just let things slide...WE FINALLY LAUGHED TOGETHER!!!<p>You see where I am going...we started DOING THINGS together. We became friends...and the feelings eventually returned.

Marshall,<p>I jsut wanted to say keep up the good work. My H had an affair that produced an OC. I filed for a D and served him within a week of knowing. He pleaded for a second chance I decided to try. My D-day was 9/10/00 I never ever thought I could love this man again. I stayed with him for the wrong reasons which I won't get into. <p>It took me four months before I was able to cry and greive the loss of our marriage as we knew it. It took me another eight months to tell my H I loved him and was in love with him. I can honestly tell you my marriage is great I think it's even better than what is was pre-affair. The true feelings of intimacy came back because he worked hard to meet all of my emotional needs. Good luck! <p>Unsure

{{{{{Marshall, Marshall, Marshall!!!}}}}<p>It was so good to see your post. I am proud of you! It sounds like you and your wife are on the road to recovery. But just like every road, I hear there are pitfalls on that one too. You may want to spend time in the "In Recovery" forum too. Or better yet, maybe you and she can have phone-counseling from the Harleys over the next few months....wouldn't that be great!!!<p>I hope your wife is getting support too. Does she read any of this stuff on the forum or post? None of my business really, but if she could, it might help her. <p>I'm am behind you guys 100% and know that with alot of hard work and commitment, you guys will do it. Please don't ever give up. I'm saying a prayer of protection and strengh for you right now.<p>Keep the faith,
Aloha,
Ms.O<p>PS Did you ever tell her about the b-day gift?<p>PPS If you're wife would like someone to "talk" to (via e-mail) about this, I am more than willing to give her my e-mail address and would be open to corresponding with her. Someone did that with me two years ago, and it was a great help. Aloha.