I stayed with my wife Sunday night to help her through another night of pain. This time the pain was closer to home, I had told her that I was considering keeping the house and that she would have to move if she didn't want to work on things. It was an ugly scene and I didn't deliver it in the form of an ultimatum but she knew I had been thinking about this. She's still missing the OM I'm sure but I'm making myself available to her.<p>Monday I went to counseling and came away from it in a positive mood. The counselor suggested I think about moving back in the house and co-existing with my wife. There are a lot of financial realities involved which she refuses to take into consideration. I went home and asked her if she would like to talk about how things went and I mentioned this possibility. She became upset again and fought with me. I didn't fight back because I've determined that I won't do that anymore. She tried to get physical but I fended her off as I usually do, I grabbed her and she collapsed into me and I held her. I carried her to her bed and I cradled her, rocked her until she calmed down. She clung to me and I felt my heart breaking that I pushed her to that point.<p>Later, I suggested this. I will finish out my lease on the apartment. I would be responsible for the money either way so this isn't such a stretch. At the end of those three months we would re-evaluate our progress on ourselves and our marriage. In the meantime, we wouldn't make any decisions regarding a divorce and will keep going to counseling. We set ourselves a goal: That in a year we be able to take a long hard look at ourselves and be able to decide if we're going to be married or go our own ways. She even took the initiative to build a list of what we want to do in that time. One thing I insisted on was brutal honesty. I can't go into it with her lying about anything.<p>The counselor told me that she and I will slip on occasion if we try to work on this. I understand that but I also told her that I will not be able to accept her with another man. Her affair is over and she's getting over it herself. She called him the day after they had finished things but I think that call put it into perspective for her, he doesn't want to see her. I wanted her to be able to promise me not to open herself to anyone else while we're in this vulnerable time but she told me that she doesn't want to make that promise because she now knows that she's human. I accept this but insisted on the honesty part of this agreement. If I have to start poking and snooping again I will not be able to handle it.<p>So this weekend she and I are going to move some more things to the apartment, so that I am more comfortable there. We're going to paint a room in the house as well. We spent the evening together last night. She cooked dinner for us while we waited for my mother in law to drop off our son. We spent time with him then watched television together for a while after he went to bed. I've really changed the way I interact with her and am showing her that I am there for her. She admitted to me earlier in the day that when her friend asked her if she saw us together in a year she told her yes. She knows that when she gets over the OM totally that she will see things more clearly. I think she's beating herself up over what she's done but I'm beginning to think we might actually have a future.<p>Deep inside I have to admit to you guys that I am torn. I was ready to have her move out and begin my own life in our house but I know it would do so much damage if I did that to her now. She has far more issues than just our marriage that have built up inside. I can give it some more time for her sake and for the sake of our son. There's a small part of me that wants to just call a lawyer and have the papers drawn up, have her move out and let myself begin to heal. The counselor told me that she's scared because she has no control over this decision. The house is entirely mine, her name isn't on it at all. If I chose to have her move, I could do so and that scares her. At the same time, I am really afraid that she is only saying these things because of that. But in the end I either trust her and try to rebuild or let her go and move on. Our counselor told me that I have two people in me fighting for control. One is the loving husband who is there to comfort my wife in this time of need and wants to rebuild our marriage. The other is the man who has been betrayed and is angry. If we're to move on I have to choose which one of those I want to be. I choose to her there for her so I have to stick by it and see this through. I really got some positive signs from her last night though. And as selfish as it sounds, I don't have anything to lose at this point. If we aren't able to work this out I will have given her time to get herself together so that she can live on her own. Then I won't have to live with the guilt of making her find herself her own place to live. I hate to think of it in those terms and I feel like such a heel for it but if I can't be honest in an anonymous forum then where can I be?<p>When I tucked her into bed, squeezed her hand and turned to leave she asked me to give her a hug. I did and it felt wonderful to hold her, not just when she's breaking down. I took her face in my hands and kissed her, a small kiss but I tried to put all of my tenderness into it. I tried to infuse it with all of my love and patience.<p>We have a direction in which to move. I know I'm going to slip on my part and get angry at times but I hope to be able to come here for my release and not do it to her. I pray to God above that she will be honest with me and that we can really create from the ashes of this situation the marriage that we both need. Thanks for listening everyone.

You really seem to be in a good place emotionally right now. I am not as far along as you are since my WH is still seeing the OW and is not sure what he wants. But I think that taking care of ourselves must be the first priority in this whole thing. Once we realize that we can make it without them I think we can be more comfortable in working on the relationship becuase we know we are doing it because we want to not because we have to. It sounds like that is where you are. <p>Best of luck and I will be praying for you.

Dear S_G,
First of all, I would like to say that I think you are an awesome man. I hope your wife realizes this in time to preserve your love for her!<p>Secondly, what if you give her ample time you feel is necessary for her to get herself together, but she doesn't and you still end up kicking her out on her butt? Then what? Will your guilt be appeased? OR will it take her having another affair to toughen you up a little bit?<p>What I'm trying to say is that at some point you have to realize that you are letting her go BECAUSE you love her, regardless of whether she has a place to go. Please don't do this out of guilt, do it because you absolutely want to. Maybe she needs a dose of the real world after all, she is "only human," and she might find another guy to take care of her since her OM dumped her and she can't promise you she will be faithful. "After all, she's only human?!" What the heck sort of commitment to you is THAT??? After kicking you in the gut with her A???? [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sometimes we enable people we love to keep using us and hurting us because we don't kick them out "in love..."<p>So okay, wait. Let me get this straight... She can't promise you (her husband) that she will be faithful during the financial grace period you are giving her to work on your commitment?<p>*sigh* Well then, I suggest that you guys fill out the emotional needs & love buster questionnaires together and keep updating in 3-month intervals, that is, if your patience lasts that long. WOW!<p>[ January 22, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

I can see where you're coming from. I've really thought pretty hard about getting that commitment from her but I guess it doesn't mean much if she says it to appease me without actually meaning it.<p>I waver back and forth on how tough I should be with her on this. It seems like a fine line between pushing too far and being trampled upon. To be completely honest with you, and myself, the number one reason I decided to give it more time is that I dread the reaction if I were to make her move out. I dread putting my son through that and I really do care about her and I'm afraid of what it might do to her.<p>Then I get to thinking about this: Maybe if she DOES get a dose of life outside the home I provided, maybe then she'll be alot more willing to reassure me that she can work on this, be faithful and the whole ball of wax. <p>I'm actually ready to move on, I felt a sense of relief at one point. Now I feel that familiar weight dragging at my shoulders.....I just don't know. I guess I need to keep thinking about this. Right now I'm researching spy programs and such and I really don't want to get into that whole mess. Whats a devoted (read foolish, stupid even weak?) husband to do?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Seeking_Guidance:
<strong>...I dread putting my son through that and I really do care about her and I'm afraid of what it might do to her...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You are not weak, you are very strong and I admire your strength. I think you should keep doing right by your boy.<p>I was a single parent for 10 years and it IS rough out there. When my H came along, I was very grateful and blessed and it's the reason why I appreciate marriage wholeheartedly now that I am a wife. It's why I consider myself to be a marriage builder.<p>I got pregnant by a married man when I was 20 and have a grown child as a result of that affair. It has been painful, but there are a lot of blessings to consider--more blessings than sorrow. God is good. He will get you through this. Keep listening to your conscience.<p>I don't know how old your boy is, but kids are pretty resilient. They bounce back from A LOT! God takes care of us grown ups, but He REALLY takes care of the kids! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Stay strong in the Lord. My prayers are with you today!

Thank you for your prayers, means a lot to me.<p>My son is 2 and a half now. He's feeling this thing already but I know he'll be okay. When I talk about the house and possibly claiming it my wife gets really desperate and I don't want him to see that. She goes from claiming she won't leave, to taking her clothes off, bending over and screaming for me to come claim her if that's what I want, to begging me not to make her go. I can't even explain to you how that scene makes me run from top to bottom of the emotional spectrum.<p>I have a hard time even sharing that here with people I don't know because I don't want people to think she's so bad. She has some serious issues, I'm scared for her and I want to see her through them but at the same time I want to be done with this situation. <p>I feel so helpless.

Well, you're standing in front of the notorious emotional rollercoaster. It's your choice whether or not you will ride it. Plan A is to help you avoid the extreme ups and downs. You must clearly define your requirements for no OPs, regardless. If you are going to have a fair shot at rebuilding (IF that is what you really want), then no OM can be in the picture... It's not too much to ask.<p>My guess is that your W doesn't want to fail again so she is giving herself an excuse to have another affair. She's confused. You don't need to be. You figure out what you want and stick to your guns.<p>Read about Plan A and see what Harley has to say about it. There are some good notes about it in a Notable Posts thread on Just Found Out. I think that thread is worth looking at, for sure.<p>Hang in there buddy, we're here to listen to all the venting you need. You'll get through this. One step at a time, one day at a time.<p>I know you love your wife, but you have to step back (emotionally) until she gets out of her WS-fog. You have to maintain your sanity for your son. I wish you all God's peace in the midst of this terrible storm.