This is not a new problem in our marriage and it is one of several. But currently our teen daughter (his from previous marriage)has been the focus of our disagreements. We are also raising two boys from our marriage together (ages 8 and 13). I have explained my point-of-view to my H, but we just don't see things the same way. He believes that if you hold on too tight the bird will fly away and get into more trouble. I believe that you have to draw a line and set limits. Of course now the limits I set are often unsupported by my H so they only reinforce rebellion in my 16-y-o sd. All discipline for this girl in this home has gone out the window. She can be as rude and disobediant as she wants with no consequences because many consequences are unacceptable to my H and others are unenforceable (i.e. go to your room does not work, has not for a long time). Because of the calls to the sheriffs to get reinforcements for her out of control behavior - I received an Order of Protection. The result being she violated it and I called and she was charged and taken off to jail. My H bailed her out and got her an attorney. So now everyone is depressed. I am because things have gone so far. He is because we have disconnected. She is because she thinks no one cares. I don't want things to stay the same, but I believe that my s.d. can't live her with no limitations on her behaviors.
Am I wrong to be concerned about my sons copying her behaviors? Right the oldest boy gets violent with younger boy, need I say he has had plenty of examples of managing anger this way. <p>I don't want to end marriage, but I have very little respect for my H at this time. He seems to want to rush the physical making up of the relationship without dealing with my emotional need for support and some sense that we are moving in a positive direction. All I can say is "enough is enough". We can't go on like this for the rest of the years it will take to get my youngest through high school. I can't see any of my kids functioning well in relationships based on what they have experienced in this home. <p>Yes, I believe in God and I request prayers for His miraculous intervention. <p>I am very concerned about a 16-y-o with no limits who has already shown herself to be experimenting with drugs and sex. (By the way the lawyer my H hired says this is normal behavior for a 16 y-o and has won my husband over to his thinking.) <p>Thanks for any helps you can offer. We are in counseling, the counselor suggested residential treatment, but my H said no and wants to change counselors.<p>--------------------<p>Been married for 15 years (almost), very tired of dealing with the same problems over and over. Marriage problems include loss of trust, lack of interest, parenting teens, blended family.

I just read the most interesting post (it's here, at MB, on another forum) that you might find helpful:<p>Click Here<p>Pay particular attention to freddyb - AWESOME MESSAGE!!!<p>I also wrote a message to the thread... I am also a step-parent in a very frustrating and unhappy situation.<p>Please go read it, and let me know what you think!

Good luck,<p>I think you need to change counselors. Sounds as if your 16 sd is acting out. She needs something. Do you love her or just tolerate her? Does her dad care for her, or just feels guilty so he takes the easy way out? What about her mom?<p>Sounds as if you need family counseling even for your sons.<p>Sometimes it is harder to do than say, my 17 yr old son will not talk to anyone. When he has, he has lied to them. It is hard to find someone that teenages feel comfortable with. <p>let your sd know that you care for her, & that what you are doing is because you care for her & her brothers. <p>Ask if she thinks she is setting a good example for her brothers? What she would do if she found her brothers doing some of the things she has done? I found this works with my OS, he doesn't want his YB to think badly of him. In fact he is stricter with YS than I am about things, and does let him do things he did as a child.<p>Good luck.

Dear RT,
I read the other post and found it interesting, but I do think your situation is somewhat different. If my math is correct, you have been this child's stepmom since she was 1. Is that right?
So have you been involved her whole life? Or did she spend a lot of the early years with her mother away from the two of you? I just ask for clarity.
I would agree that this is serious. A 16 year old girl experimenting with sex and drugs and getting no boundaries will push the limits until the boundaries are placed. She may be "lucky" and continue to skate through with no serious consequences - like pregnancy, AIDS, jail, serious injury or death. If so, she will continue to push and live as if the rules don't apply to her as an adult and she will make horrible choices and will self-destruct. How can I be so sure? Because I was her.
My parents weren't divorced, but they may as well have been. Nothing I did caused a stir - "oh that is just kids..." They didn't know how to deal with it (like your H), so they just let me be in control. I was smart and ambitious - wanted the hell out of there - so I got through college in 3 years, got married and began a successful career and 15 year marriage.
The depression I stuffed over a lifetime exploded 18 months ago when I was fired from my 6-figure position and prosecuted in the federal system for embezzling.
My life as I knew is is over. My children have been irrepairably damaged. My marriage is gone. My career is gone. I still may end up in prison.
Not that my parents are to blame. I am an adult and take full responsibility for my actions. I could have sought help for my depression. I could have done any number of things but what I did. But, I did not have the basic skills to deal with what was going on inside of me. I did not have a basic set of BOUNDARIES about behavior. I had never done anything in my life that I hadn't somehow "gotten away with it". There had never been any consequences for any of my choices.
Well, they come. And they get bigger and worse and more permanent with age. I wish like hell, I had had The Great Santini for a dad. I may have still turned out to be who I am, but I doubt it. I think I would have learned my place in the world at a time when it mattered.<p>best of luck

Oh Wiffle,<p>What a sad, sad story!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I hear what you're saying, and sometimes a caring adult who is not a parent is the safest person around. <p>I'm so sorry for your pain -- you may have talked about this situation before, but I never saw it. It's heartbreaking.<p>Best wishes to you...

As far as the advice that was given about how to behave around step-daugther with emotional acting out - I will try the advice - I am not her parent - however, I have been in her life since she turned 2.
I apologize for saying this, but I do have a personality clash with her. She bosses others around, is a know it all, constantly goes to her father to asassinate my character and is very loud and strong willed. There I said it.
I had issues and bagage when I got married. Sorry, some of it spilled over into parenting.
My H told me he wanted me to be his daughter(s)mom. I tried to adopt his daughter as she was 2 at that time and her mom had left her with him since she was less than 11 mo old. But he wouldn't approach her for release of parental rights. Mom was in and out of her life inconsistently. Never paid any child support.
H wouldn't even ask.
This has been a losing battle all the way.
The marriage is a casualty, but guess what there are other things that made this situation worse like lies that my H told that affect whether I would believe he actually loved me before I even married him. And lies since then which speak about his character. And I am supposed to just forgive him because he said "sorry" and he doesnot have to allow for me to rebuild my trust in him I am just supposed to believe that the lies are all over. Then I get told I am "whacked out" when I point out a fact which shows that it isn't all me that has problems here.
I have two boys ages 8 and 13 who need a good stable home. They don't have emotional stability and good parenting now. But I will hang on for their sake. I hope that I can move on and not be so depressed and depleted.
So basically the problem isn't with my sd, but with my marriage. <p>It is really in ruins right now.<p>--------------------<p>Been married for 15 years (almost), very tired of dealing with the same problems over and over. Marriage problems include loss of trust, lack of interest, parenting teens, blended family.