Just want to revisit this contacting OM's W issue once again. I am seriously considering letting her know about the continued contact. At first I thought it might be because I am trying to either get back at W or try and end the A myself, but after much thought, I know this is not the case. I am beginning to think that the situation has deteriorated so much that the M may not be salvagable at all, at least not in the immediate future.<p>So, I feel that I have some sort of obligation to tell OM's W what I know. Not to cause her any pain, but really to prevent her from experiencing any more pain than I am sure she is already experiencing. Knowing about the continued contact is hard enough, but to have to find out that is was still being done in secret is even more painful. I feel that it is an obligation of mine now, I have been affected by the horror of an A and a WS who refusues to reconcile, now I have to do everything I can to prevent this from happening to someone else.<p>What does everybody else think about this? If I do contact OM's W, most probably as an email, should I forward a copy of the letter to OM as well?

Keep your intentions pure. Be prepared for the worst and when you are ready, then compose and send your simple but firm message. I recommend sending it and include a 3rd party (make sure it is ok with this 3rd party first). Letting the OM know would be like showing your hand in poker. It does you no good. Another MBer notified the OM's W and she came here ranting and raving a few months ago. So not all notification even with the best of intentions go well. But if you feel you must, prepare the letter, let it sit for a couple of days then review it. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. <p>Take Care,
L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>So, I feel that I have some sort of obligation to tell OM's W what I know.<hr></blockquote>
Yeah, most of us know what you mean. We know that no matter how much it would hurt, we would want to know. Indeed we feel that to not tell is to aid and abet their secret. Yuck, it's a rotten situation to be in.<p>I pretty much agree with Orchid, but I'll add this cause I struggled with the mixed feelings for several months before contacting one of the OM's wife (turned out she already knew)......
Just because to tell might possibly feed into a feeling of revenge, does not mean that it isn't also the right thing to do for a whole bunch of reasons.<p>Think it through....just my observation, but in reading the boards for a year and a half I'd say when this topic has been discussed 90% of BS say they would want to be told.
David

Wow, something I can relate to. I posted the same thing about 2 weeks ago. I got the same advice, in fact I think Orchid responded to me. Basically the advice is watch out the gun could be loaded. I thought I knew what I was doing so I used my amateur detective skills and called his work, told them I was a sales representative wanting to send him some brochures could I have the correct spelling of his name, used that and went to the yellow pages on Yahoo and Waa Laa. Home address and telephone number. I held onto it for 4 days trying to decide what to do. Then my wife asks me if I can watch the kids she has a dinner party. I am like, right! What kind of dinner party? That was the straw. Dont get me wrong I had/have genuine concern for this woman. She had just found out a week before and I remember what shape I was in at that time. I wanted to turn her onto MB, because it helped me so much. I wanted to give her the statistics, let her know I was doing everything on my side that was possible. That I was not going to push my W away right into his arms. Well I did all that and more, we talked for atleast half an hour. She was quiet and controlled, I consoled her and told her everything would be allright, she answered my questions, I answered hers. I told her I would never call her again but if she wanted she could E-mail me. I re-iterated what a risk I was taking talking to her but that I felt I had to. I even gave her this displayed name so maybe she will read this. So what happened.....she told him I called, he got pissed and confronted my W. My W actually defended me (surprise) but in the end it was a huge LB. I dont know if its coincidence but the same day she told me she needed to move out. I know each circumstance is different but I wanted to give you an actual story. You know, I dont regret my decision. My intentions were pure, and the way I see it this woman is also. It was impossible for her to keep a secret from the husband she loves. I respect that. Hope this helps, good Luck.<p>i still need a break

Well, vote me on the "go for it" team. <p>My H OW H (whew!) called me last May. He knew since Dec. I knew since January. I threatened to call her H to my H which he immediately told her to be careful.<p>I figured it would be a LB so I didnt call. I really think that the reason why we as Bs's grapple this subject is that we are so paranoid (I was) is that we are afraid of furthuring the distance between our WS.<p>Any how, her H called me, introduced him self, and I immediatly told him I know who he is and told him I am ok with talking to him. I would call the OP, if I were you that way you can gage whether or not your dealing with a psycho. I felt very compassionate for the OW H as she wouldnt even throw him a bone. Just told him Christmas day I'm leaving you and I'm in love with another man. Wouldnt offer any explanations or even talk to him about their M.<p>Any way, I asked him to call me if he became aware of further contact. (They had broken up after our first talk). I called him about 4-5 more times whenever she attempted to contact.<p>He never told her that we spoke but she was very suspicious. Last time she called My H I called him and told him its about time she knew that we were talking because she needs to quit calling. Tell her I am filing harrasment charges if she calls him again. She never called again.<p>For me, talking to him ended their affair. She was planning on following us to Tx and leaving her kids with their bio dad who they didnt even know. Richard didnt believe me, but I offered her H number and asked him to call him to prove it. He never did but it sure opened his eyes to her. He broke up with her the next day.<p>Sorry so convolouted. Look, you only live life once. No regrets ya know? <p>Wouldnt you want to know? Consider the OP's spouse to be your ally. They have the same goal as you do, restoration of their M.<p>Warmly,
Dara

I vote for a simple phone call that says, "Open your eyes". That way she can be on the alert and still make her own decision weather to stick her head in the sand or not. If she's interested in the info she'll call you back. If not, let it go, she doesn't want to know.<p>
who

I am leaning more to telling OM's W about this, I don't see how keeping it from her is going to do anyone any good, she has a right to know. What she does with it is her own business, but I know that the other times I contacted her, she was very appreciative of the information I gave her. I do not think a phone call would be best, but rather email the letter to her personal account.<p>Here is my first go at the letter, any advice/criticsm would be appreciative.<p>OM's W-<p>It is not my intention to cause you anymore grief or pain than you have already sufferred by contacting you again. Our families have suffered more than enough because of this horrible act. But, I feel that as a betrayed spouse, I am compelled to inform you of W and OM's continued contact. It hurts knowing that they are still talking to each other, but to me, the pain is even worse that this contact continues in secret, without the knowledge of the spouses, much as the initial affair did.<p>I am sure that you know about their meeting on January 1st and how I found them together at the house of one of W's friends. Unfortunately, this was not an isolated incident. I know that they had been in contact with each other before that day and that they have continued to stay in close contact since then. This is from W's own admission, she says that her and OM are only friends and that he is helping her through this difficult time. <p>I remember that you and OM both sent W an email earlier instructing her to stop all contact with OM, that any contact whatsoever would hinder your reconcilliation efforts. Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley stresses the importance of the 'no contact rule', which I also believe is paramount to any successful reconcilliation efforts. I have read many books and talked to many people about the implications of affairs, and they all agree that all contact must be stopped between the infidel and the partner if the marriage is going to be restored properly. If you would like me to recommend some of the material that I have found helpful, please let me know, I would be happy to share this with you.<p>I hope and pray that you and OM can continue the hard work necessary to a successful marriage recovery. People that I have talked to who worked through the affair tell me that their marriages are better, more passionate and more fulfilling than they ever were, even when they were first married.<p>God Bless You<p>Loveherstill

bumping this up for a few more responses. Some circumstances have come up that are making me think I should hold-off for a few days, but want this letter to be in place just in case.

I think you would be performing a kindness in telling her. I wish to God someone would have told me what was going on. I KNEW something was happening and was living in hell trying to figure out what was wrong and getting no answers. I actually thought I was going crazy!!<p>This is information that she has a RIGHT TO KNOW. Her spouse does not have the right withhold information like this from her - he should not have the "privacy" to destroy her life.<p>So please, do the right thing and tell her.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Still Learning As I go:
<strong>Wouldnt you want to know? Consider the OP's spouse to be your ally. They have the same goal as you do, restoration of their M.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>LoveHerStill,<p>D-day for me was Dec 3, and my wife sent no-contact letter the next day. In addition to the form letter out of SAA, Jenn (Harley) Chalmers suggested that she add a line saying "(husband) is going to know everything about the affair, including if you try to contact me again." That seems to have done the trick with OM for now.<p>Wife, and OM, were really afraid about me telling OM's wife about the affair. I didn't have any desire to do that, because I know he has twin boys about the same age as my daughter, and knew what trouble she went through with mom/dad split up. And OM was a close friend of mine, and believe it or not, I actually wanted to tell him to rest easy shortly after D-day. Anyway, I talked with Jenn about it and she said "we are not going to promise him anything. We are not going to tell his wife, as long as he behaves himself. However, if he doesn't, we will enlist his wife and make her part of the solution."<p>Sounds like you need OP to be part of the solution.

Dear LHS, <p>Go for it.<p>A little background first. I found out my wife was still seeing OM 4 1/2 months into recovery! She had been lying to me the whole time, watching me cry every night and denying it the whole time. When I found out she'd been lying I told my W that I was through with her and wanted it over (and I meant it at the time). After I calmed down a couple of days later my wife had pulled a 180, totally different. She wanted me, the family the marriage, everything. This is what I had been dying to hear for so long, but how could I believe her now???<p>The reason I contacted the OM's Wife was to make sure that EVERYONE involved had all the facts. I figured if she knew, he would have all that he could deal with on his plate and it would give me the best chance at beginning reconciliation with my wife. <p>I called the OM's Wife and told her over the phone. Come to find out, he has had an affair in the past. I was extremely nervous about talking to her because I didn't want to be the bearer of so much bad news, but when you get right down to it your just the messenger. <p>I don't regret doing it at all. In fact it shook things up and made things happen...very suddendly and it was for the better. I wish I had done it when I first found out.<p>All that being said you must realize that every situation is different. Go with your insticts (my havn't failed me yet).<p>Good luck.