Lately, as most of you know, I've been doing really well with myself. I've been positive, making great changes within ME and have generally been in a good frame of mind. All this despite the fact that my H continues to have an A, continues to sit on the fence, continues to spend time with me, sleep with me, kiss me and keep me hanging on. <p>As I wrote last Thursday night, we had a great date. There was no denying the sparks flying around between H and I. I felt it, he instigated it and it was pretty powerful. Over the weekend, he was with OW as expected. What I didn't expect was a text message from him on Saturday night saying, "Hi V. Hope you had a good night out last night and are having a good weekend. I do know that you love me". Pretty surprising, because when he's with OW, he rarely contacts me at all. <p>On Monday morning, upon his return from OW's house, he made repeated attempts to contact me via email and phone. As is the norm with my H, he didn't come flat out and say "hey, I'm trying to contact you. WHERE ARE YOU?" I mainly get normal emails telling me things about his day and people in the office. On Monday morning, I received 4 within 1 hour. The last one said "Are you ignoring me or something today? You don't seem your normal responsive self". To be honest, I wasn't home, but I finally downloaded my email from my PDA and responded to him via text message saying that I wasn't ignoring him, and that I was out. <p>When I got home that evening, I had a message from him on the home phone which he had left that morning. He NEVER calls me on that phone unless he's trying to find me. Message just said he had a few things he wanted to chat about. So last night I sent him a few text messages about a show I know we were both watching, asked him how his night was, etc... I heard nothing back. VERY odd for my H!<p>This morning, it was the same silent treatment. Nothing from him. No text messages all day, no emails, no phone calls. Not a word. I finally rang him tonight to see how he was. He sounded distant. I asked him if he was okay and he hesitated before saying a very quiet "yes." I let him know that I was there for him if he wanted to talk. Asked, very calmly, if I had done anything to upset him and he said no. <p>To top it all off, I visited a psychic today. Not something I normally do, but she came highly recommended. I don't know her, she knows nothing about me, and yet 2 minutes into our session, she managed to tell me that I had a partner who was hurting me and that there was a 3rd person involved. She then went on to describe the OW to a T. Very scary. She said I've been standing there allowing my H to throw daggers at me and it's destroying me. She said I have a lot of love to give and am not getting anything back. She said the OW is being absolutely destroyed by all this and so am I. My H is getting by relatively unscathed. Funny that. Her advice, based on the "messages" she was getting is that H and I are done, aren't right for each other, had learned what we needed to and it's time for me to move on. <p>Now, whether or not you believe in this stuff, it was pretty powerful. There are many, many other details she went into regarding my life and the people around me. She was so accurate that I got chills. <p>So you can see how I'm confused. <p>So first of all, what is going on with my H? Yesterday, he was panicking that I was ignoring him. Today, not a word. He was very short with me on the phone and I can definitely tell there is something wrong, but he's not talking. <p>Second - the psychic medium. Weird and emotionally draining. She was spot on with everything. Told me things only I would know. And what she said about my M and the OW scared the heck out of me. <p>Help?<p>VE

Maybe your H is having a bad day maybe he is feeling guilty? Maybe you need to back off a bit with the dating stuff right now he has both of you and there is no need for him to make any decisions. The comment about him knowing that you love him says alot He feels he's got you and he can sit comfortably on the fence.<p>This is just my opinion but when an affair happen so early in a marriage it's probably has very little to do with unmet needs and it's mostly about him and his issues. So there's really nothing much you can do but continue to live your life. You will know when it's the right time to end the marriage.<p>Did you read the post by carolkh? It's a very inspiring stor.

Venus---<p>Dunno about your H...could be lots of reasons he runs hot and cold...<p>Guilt, depression, confusion, just general fog. But your posts have described some real hope for your relationship so I would suggest you not base everything on one day's evenst---good or bad.<p>Regarding the psychic... Do you really want to base your decision ont he rest of your marriage on a third party's take on it...whether that be a psychic, counselor, family, friend or MB buddy?<p>Only you should be the one to make that decision... <p>Good luck <p>E

Venusenvy - I noticed none of your regular posters are around right now, so I thought I would give you some encouragement. I have kept up with your situation and think you are doing a wonderful job. <p>I think that you have been doing what you need to do to take care of you, and your H is just now starting to realize what life might be without you - (he panics and pouts when you are unavailable) It is very interesting and happens alot with WAS "cakemen/women". <p>IMHO, this is when you get even more mysterious. Don't try to reassure him. Just do your own thing, answer his call if you feel like it. But make him work for a change!<p>The things you have been doing are right out of Michele Weiner-Davis book DivorceBusting. You are doing what she calls, 180s all over the place. Obviously your H expected you to sit away pining for him and when you didn't all the sudden you became more attractive to him. Right now he is confused, and torn by the feelings he still has for you. Although he does not seem to be able to break away from ow - he is in the middle of a win-win situation in one sense - he has you and the ow. One of the other things you are doing that is recommended in DB is going dim or dark by not contacting him - and it is having the predicted effect on him. He is panicky and maybe even jealous and curious about what you are doing. These changes in you are having an effect. Now is NOT the time to give up. <p>I hesitate to give you any specific advice, but if you look closely at your situation, you will know what to do. You have some choices - YOU ARE IN CONTROL!! Doesn't that feel great!? <p>[[/LIST][*]] you might go even dimmer, be more unavailable - not mean to him, just doing your own thing[*] You might tell him that he cannot continue to "be with you" as long as he is involved with ow.[*] You could do nothing, if you are okay with the way things are, and see growth that satisfies you.[/LIST]<p>ONLY YOU will know what is right for you and your situation. If you haven't read them yet, DivorceBusting and DIvorce Remedy are great companions to the MB material. She even has a website with a BB where people share solution-oriented ideas. Many people here post there as well. I found the combination of ideas to be just what I needed.
web page<p>Another opinion TIFWIW - Don't let the psychic cloud your vision, or anyone else for that matter. You know your R better than anyone. Sometimes comments like the psychic's can lead you to act and those comments become FALSE self fulfilled prophecies. Just my .02<p>Don't know if any of this helped, but I see a whole lot of positives in your situation!! You got it goin' on, don't give up now!! <p>Hang in! <p>B<p>[ January 22, 2002: Message edited by: bette ]</p>

Hi Venus ~<p>Here's my take on the psychic - she may have told you lots of FACTS that were accurate...but does that mean that her interpretation of those facts are correct?<p>I've noticed this about self-help books lately. I'll pick up and book and only a couple of pages into the book I'll be thinking: Wow, this guy/gal really knows what he/she is talking about!<p>Aaaah but then I picked up on something....there are ALOT of self-help books and individuals out there that can accurately describe a problem with all kinds of dead on detail. The problem lies with their proposed solutions to the problem. Describing the problem and outlining a solution are two different tasks...and the solution part is where most of them fall down. I'm pretty cynical about my self-help books since I realized this!<p>Its the same thing as witnessing an horrific car accident. You could probably describe in detail exactly what happened, and give an accurate picture of what the cars looked like.<p>But are you really an expert? Do you know if the cars involved are really totalled? Do you know if the victims inside will live? Just because you can describe the injuries doesn't mean you know how to heal them.<p>The hot and cold thing just means more fence. OW is probably pushing your H to commit again. Rollercoaster supreme!!<p>Plan B seems to be more and more a better idea...but that's going to have to be your call.<p>I've said it before - but I truely think he won't get off the fence without B. Anyway you can do some talking with the Harleys?

I have just a second, but wanted to add something, Venus.<p>This is a wild guess but ....<p>Is it at all possible your H had/has access to your computer at your home, and possibly found this Website somewhere in your history files or as a Shortcut on your desktop? Think Hon .... did you ever leave your system up while he was there and you were somewhere else, like in the shower? Does he have a key to your house?<p>Because if he had been here, I would guess he's upset from reading stuff.<p>If none of that is a possibility, then I agree with Rosie, OW is putting the pressure on BIG TIME. And she is probably saying not very nice things about you and your marriage. Those OW do that, yanno? <p>From my experience with Lana (OW), in the early stages of the A they (OW) try to act all nicey nice about the MM's wife and marriage problems at home, becoming the MM's confidant (so understanding [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ). But when push comes to shove (MM is fence sitting and leaning W's way) the OW uses what she learned about W and marriage issues to remind H of why he left in the first place, making statements like "A leopard never changes their spots", etc.<p>Stick to Plan A for now, but lay low until he comes out of his crankyness. <p>Jo<p>[ January 22, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

V:
You know what...do nothing...stay where you are doing exactly what you're doing..it is making you stronger as an individual..and no matter which way this whole thing goes..you're going to need that.<p>One of the big problems during this fence sitting time is we try to find too many solutions...and we judge everything by their reactions...and I think it's a normal thing to do, given the situation. But, give yourself a little credit..look at how you feel..little stronger..more in control..and let that be your guide.<p> So, continue as you are..continue being a friend to him while also being a friend to yourself.
T

Hi Everyone, <p>Well, I did a naughty thing last night. I really found the whole psychic thing rather emotional and started crying last night. As I said, there was a lot of information in my sitting regarding my H, as well as my Grandparents who have both passed away. I guess it all got to be too much, and I had a "moment". REALLY wanted to talk to my H, not to pressure him about our situation, but more for a shoulder to cry on. And if I'm honest, his sudden detatchment from me yesterday had me paranoid and worried. I needed reassurance. <p>I phoned him and was crying. I said to him "Hi. Do you think you can handle me crying right now?" He asked what was wrong and I said I just needed to hear his voice. He said, "Can I ring you back after I've had my dinner?" I was upset by this, but said it would be fine. I mean, if someone called me up crying, I wouldn't ring them back, I would stop what I was doing to talk to them. <p>But that is what I would do, and not how my H does things. It took me a while to recognise that and realise just because I wanted him to talk to me, doesn't mean he could. <p>He rang me back about a half hour later, and sounded genuinely concerned. I just talked very calmly about my session with the psychic and how hard it was to hear certain things. I didn't divulge all the information I had received. For example, after she told me that there is a 3rd person involved, she then described OW perfectly and then told me some things about her that weren't very nice. Said that my H really shouldn't be with this woman, but he's too stubborn to see her true side. I DID NOT share this with H. <p>Anyway, I ended up just talking about me and how I'm feeling about myself. Most of it was positive; I talked about my therapy and the things I've realised. Told him that, in a way, I was grateful for him forcing me to realise things about myself that I didn't like, which encouraged me to change them. I then told him that the psychic suggested, very strongly, that I should move. He said "REALLY?" and sounded very surprised by this. I could be reading more into his reaction than I should, but he and I have recently discussed him moving back in and I let him know that I would do whatever necessary to repair our marriage; if that meant moving, then so be it. He almost sounded amazed that the psychic told me this. <p>So we ended up talking for about an hour on the phone. He was responsive, we talked about his work a bit and how frustrated he is at his job. Talked about mutual friends and then made arrangments to have a Date Night on Wednesday (his suggestion). <p>I think you are all right about the psychic. Only I can make these decisions. And what Bramblerose said makes a lot of sense. And thank you all for reassuring me that I'm doing well and the right thing. I know I've been doing a good Plan A, but I, like anyone else, has my bad days. <p>Wish me luck for tonight. Hopefully things will go well. <p>Love,
VE

Good Luck tonight on Date Night, Venus.<p>You're in my thoughts.<p>Jo<p>[ January 23, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>