My h of 22 years and I just attended a counseling session. I went into it very optomistic. Thinking we might have a place to start to rebuild our relationship. H moved out 2 weeks ago. I was stunned, didn't expect it. He says he wants a dv without even talking about anything or attempted to figure out what has gone wrong. I am at a loss. I am really quite ready to just give up on everything. All the books I've read and all the places on the internet I visit tell me that anything is possible with committment and hard work. We just need to get the right tools and information to start with. The counselor asked each of us if we were "in", "out" or "on hold". "in" and "on hold" would give us something to work with. He said he was "on hold" but on the way out. Then basically said he was out. I never expected out. I really expected "on hold". The counselor told us to take a break for a week and come back next week to see if those were still the same answers. H has had 2 EA & PA A's in the past 10 years. There is no A now, but he feels tremendous guilt about them. I guess now he thinks the grass will be greener. That by leaving he will leave all of his problems behind, but he won't have solved anything.. I know I can't change him I can only change me and how I act toward him. But the pain I am experiencing is more than I think I can deal with. Now I think it's time to throw in the towel and let him go. But 22 years and 2 kids is hard to just throw away. I came across a letter from trueheart on this site that really seemed to hit the mark. Should I send it to him? I doubt that it would help, but I am feeling desparate. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

Bailee---<p>Welcome to MB...<p>Sorry you are here.<p>B-4 you do anything I would suggest you read some of the general material at this site.<p>Then read some of the posts and post your own questions.<p>The people here have gone thru and are going thru some of the same things you and your H are dealing with.<p>That doesn't mean your M can be saved, but it does give you a basis to begin working on it, even if that is by yourself.<p>Like I said...sorry you are here, but this site can be a useful resource.<p>Good luck <p>E

One thing I CANNOT abide by is the fact that many of these so-called "marriage counselors" tell the spouse that wants out of the marriage, "Yup, you're right you should just go ahead and get a divorce."<p>While they don't come right out and say that, they pretty much lead the way to it. In my case, after 1 1/2 sessions (1 week after finding out about my W ongoing affair), our "MC" said, "It seems that Kevin is in the 'fix it' stage of your marriage, and you're in the 'closure' stage." WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK SHE'S GOING TO SAY!?!?!?!<p>It gets better. After only 1/2 session with W, her first IC let go with the following, "Yup, it sure sounds like you've been done with your marriage for a long time." Where do these people get their licenses (do they even HAVE licenses?)<p>How can an outsider (ESPECIALLY after such a short time) make such DAMNING statements about the state of a marital relationship? I just don't get it.<p>In your case, it sounds like the MC basically led your H to the threshhold (and maybe even gave him a little nudge). How DARE that person even make MENTION of ending the marriage if they're supposed to be helping to save the marriage. The spouse who wants out already certainly doesn't need any VALIDATION in those feelings, at least not until after CAREFUL consideration by ALL (including the MC).<p>Just my $.02
Kev

Thanks for the input. The counseling that we attended is decisions counseling to try to see if there is anything to pursue with the M. The counselor must have seen something in my H to ask us to come back again. I am still debating whether to ask my H to look at some of these sites to see if anything clicks, but I have also read that that can back fire too. Sometimes I think I read too much, it gets my hopes up and then the disappointment is horrible. If my H can get to the on hold stage then M counseling will be a better option. Everyone keeps telling me I can't get him there he has to get there himself. So I just keep hoping and reading.

Don't give up yet. My WH used the marriage counselor just to get up the courage to tell me the marriage was over - last counseling session was on OW's birthday.<p>Anyway, when the WSis so confused - it's hard for anyone - let alone the WS to know what they want or what they are feeling. If they are in an A, then of course they want out of the M because the feelings for the OP are so much stronger at this time. This does not however rule out the possiblility of reconciliation in the future. It's still so early yet.<p>Do a search for any recent post by redhat - it has links to helpful sites for you. Also, I'd read about Plan A and start implementing it.<p>I just posted a synopsis on Boppo's post about Confusing advice about Plan A - it's at the bottom.<p>You need to get educated on what is happenening in you marriage now so that you can make some informed decisions. Have you read His Needs/ Her Needs and Surviving an Affair? Most of the info. in on this web site.<p>Be sure to get a support system in place for you during this difficult time and when you look for a marriage counselor, make sure it's one who believes in marriage and not one that just wants whatever the person says will make them happy.<p>Keep posting with questions. K

Thanks for the input. I have started my own counseling in hopes of finding and acknowledging the changes that I need to make for me. And some days are better than others. My H keeps sending such mixed messages. He calls me when our counselor told us to keep contact only about the kids. Then he wants me to come over to his place, and one thing leads to another. I know that he still wants me and I miss him terribly. I don't know if he can see past the guilt and see all the possibilities. We have a lot of work to do, I just don't know if he has the courage and strength to try. There are so many negatives to D and they last so long. Our counselor said it was ok to share a book with him, maybe it will help him see the possibilities. We have another session on Monday, I continue to be optomsitic, I only hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment.

Bailee,<p>I too have a hard time of letting go of a 20+ year marriage, with 3 kids involved. I love the post from Trueheart I have it saved and re read it frequently. I did send it to WH to read, don't know that he did or not. H did come here and did do some reading, don't know if he lurks or not. But his circumstances are so very different then anything else on here, thinks him and OW are so unique..blah..blah...blah...FOG!! Did get him to a counselor right after d day and she told me to come back on my own to prepare myself for a divorce (I would so love to prove her wrong, don't think that is where I am heading though). He took that to heart and when the 2nd counselor told us that she was good at her job and we had 3 of the best reasons in the world to work on marriage and told H that things weren't always greenier on other side of the fence and that he should have some individual counseling to work on some of his issues so that we could work on marriage. He just blew her off and kept saying well remember what the first one said.<p>MLC's suck here is a link that has been shared here many times, it is a good read. Not sure if this is where your H is or not, but is about the right age for it be.
http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html<p>I also just got the book "A praying wife" a very good book.<p>I am sorry that you find yourself here on this site with the rest of us, but know that you are welcomed and are among friends that are here to vent to, ask questions of, to laugh and cry with.
Read everything here that you can, it's some awesome stuff. You mentioned having hope and that is good, just don't have any expectations. So that when something good does come it's a nice suprise.<p>Take care Dawn<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

As I sit here thinking about the past week I realize what an up and down week it has been. My H and I were advised to take a break between counseling sessions. Not to discuss R, but we were only partially successful. Do C do that as a test to see if you can follow directions or to see if there are uncontrollable sparks that may still fly? We only talked about the situation a couple of times and not really at length. But he has called me each night for no apparent reason (lonely/guilty) I can't be sure. And then today I screwed up big time. I broke all the rules. I woke up feeling very out of sorts and spent most of the day in tears. Then I went to his place fully intending just to be friendly and I had a melt down. I am so lonely and scared and I just wanted him to be there for me. He wasn't really, but then one thing led to another and we still really want each other. But I realize that from him there is no loving (?) I'm not sure what he thinks it is. After I left he called a little while later to apologize for getting annoyed at me. I know that I broke too many rules today, and I had been following them fairly well this week. Patience is definately not a virtue for me. And I have the uncontrollable need to be in control (definately a problem I ned to work on). We meet with C tomorrow hopefully something positive will happen, but thanks what I thought last week and I was devasted when it was all said and done. This is the best opportunity I have to vent thanks for reading.