I scanned the other posts and did not find anything like my situation. I really need some advice. I read the Marriage Builders info on honesty. I suppose it makes sense to come clean and tell my H about my EMR. But -- in my siutation, my OM died suddenly six months ago. My husband does not have a clue we were involved. OM was married and both he and wife were in our social circle. He was getting ready to leave W. I am so depressed. I haven't been able to grieve. I am so afraid to tell H. I had an affair a few years ago and almost lost H then. I swore I would never do it again, and I am disgusted with myself for letting myself have another EMR. I think he would walk out on me if I told him about this. But I am having such a hard time coping. I find myself looking for a replacement for OM so I can just continue the lie. Help!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Julia123:
<strong>I find myself looking for a replacement for OM so I can just continue the lie. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Why not use this as an opportunity to rebuild your marriage with your husband, instead of finding another OM? This is a Marriage Builders site, so I think the natural reaction you'll get from people here is to forget the OM's, and work on your marriage... Is there some impediment to working on your marriage that makes you want to find another OM instead?<p>AGG

Julia123,<p>Learn as much as you can about MB. Get your H involve into it too. Go to the MB seminar. Let him know that you want a fullfilling M, marriage with Care, Protection, Time and Honesty. Let H know about your EMR !!! and let him help you to protect your weakness. Open your heart to H where it should be.

If you wish to really have a marriage then you need to be honest with your husband and get both of you in counseling. You need to understand why you are unable to commit to your husband and be faithful. Your husband has a right to know this
information. The fact that you said you would like to find another OM just to continue the lie says it all.
What would you want if the roles were reversed?
If you do not wish to faithful to your husband then why stay married? If you wish to be married and be in a loving relationship then you must be
honest with yourself and your husband. Lies and deceit lead to destruction of all relationships.
Your husband forgave you the first time. What is it that caused you to stray and break your moral compass. If you love your husband then be honest with him and work together on your problems. If you do not love him then let him go and have him find someone who will not cheat on him within his own social circles. Why do you disrespect him and are willing to hurt him so much? Only truth and honesty can save your marriage in the long run.
He has a right to have all of this information so can also make choices in his life. It is wrong for you to withhold this information from him. What is it that you really want? I wish you luck.

Wow. Thanks for the responses. You folks seem to have your act together! Glad I found you! I did spend some time reading the materials on this site, and I now I realize that I am really messed up. I am so afraid to tell my H about my EMR. Especially since OM passed away. How can I be sure he won't just walk out on me? Is there a way to do it with the least amount of damage possible?

Julia,<p>I am glad to see that you are facing up to your problems. Again I believe that honesty is the only way to save you and your marriage. There is no easy way to tell you husband. A former marriage builder named Jill went through what you did. She asked her husband to sit in a chair and not say anything until she was through. She sat on the floor and told her husband how sorry she was and how remorseful she was for having the affair. She went on to say how she realized how messed up she was and how she wanted to have a loving marriage.
You need to address the issues that you felt lead to your affair. Tell your husband you will do what is ever needed to prove your love to him and to restore your marriage. Ask for his forgiveness and keep telling him how much you really love him. He deserves the truth and you deserve to be in an honest and loving marriage or you really have nothing. I wish you luck. Only the truth will set you free.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Julia123:
<strong>Wow. Thanks for the responses. You folks seem to have your act together! Glad I found you! I did spend some time reading the materials on this site, and I now I realize that I am really messed up. I am so afraid to tell my H about my EMR. Especially since OM passed away. How can I be sure he won't just walk out on me? Is there a way to do it with the least amount of damage possible?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You can't be sure that he won't walk on you. And the damage was done when you had the affair - you have just been hiding the damage. He may well walk out but that is no excuse to withhold this information from him. <p>He has a RIGHT to know what you are withholding from him because this is pertinent information about HIS LIFE. You have NO RIGHT to withhold this information from him just because you don't want to face the consequences of your actions. What happens next will be entirely up to HIM since this is about his life. Please be brave and think of him and do the right thing.

I, like you, was a WS<p>I'm glad you've found your way to this site. By having affairs, we refuse to look at our relationships and our lives and face the real issues, preferring to escape the hard reality that a strong, long-lasting relationship takes a lot of hard work and commitment. It's hard, I know...but you've taken a very important first step by acknowledging that your behavior hasn't been healthy. I'm glad that you finally want more than this for your relationship and for yourself.<p>Yes, you need to tell your H what happened...if not, this secret will always be a barrier between you. Can you really see yourself carrying this horrible burden forever? Why? To protect him? When we withhold information to protect someone we're insulting them, by thinking that they aren't "big enough" to handle it. Real progress can't be made until you and your H can be completely honest with each other about your feelings.<p>I'm sorry for your loss...I know it hurts to lose the OM. I'm also proud of you...you've finally realized that you need to take action in order to make your life better. Good Luck...and we're here for you!<p>[ January 23, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>