At first I didn't really think that I had much to report and seek perspective on regarding last night but now that I've thought it over I was wondering what you all thought about this.<p>My wife worked last night so we didn't get to see one another except when she came to pick up our son. I hugged her and helped her load him up. Over the course of the day she called me several times, mostly just to chit chat about nothing in particular. We've always done this.<p>She called me up after settling the baby in and asked me why is it that she depends on me more than I depend on her when it comes to initiating contact. I told her that I depend on her a lot but that sometimes I restrain myself from calling her, thinking that it might be a bother. I told her that I don't want to push her by calling too much. She said she didn't understand why "guys" did that, which stung a bit because I felt like she included the OM in that. I told her that I love to hear her voice when she calls and that it's not possible for her to be a bother.<p>So I called her before I went to sleep, just to say goodnight. We talked a bit more than I had anticipated, steering the conversation away from too much emotion. She did say thank you for doing what I have been, for not abandoning her. She told me that she wants to do what's right but that she feels torn. She said she's feeling better everyday though and it's getting easier. I told her I understand but that I will be gone if she does it again, no questions asked. I asked her if she has had any contact with the OM and she said none whatsoever. We've both been trying to avoid the "yucky" subjects because she says that the urge to call him only comes up when we're not getting along.<p>One thing that soured the end to our conversation is that I made a small semi-sexual joke and she asked me not to joke about that (joking sometimes helps us deal with things). I asked her why and she said that sex was still kind of a "yucky" subject. That hurt my feelings a bit (no I wasn't pressing for intimacy at ALL, we have a lot of work to do before that) so I cut the conversation short, said good night and hung up. She called right back and asked why I did that, so I told her that it hurt my feelings that she viewed the prospect of sex with me as "yucky". I didn't feel like talking about it so I ended the conversation and wished her a good night. Talking like that does nothing but give me visuals and want to say things like "Sex wasn't such a bad idea with HIM a couple weeks ago, was it?!". I know not to do that so I cut it short before I got angry enough to hurt her.<p>I dunno, maybe nothing in there but I thought there was some prospect of hope. I told her I want her to be able to depend on me, that it's not such a bad thing. Anyhow that's my update for last night, small as it may be. I still have the desire to take back my house and push her out of my life but it's getting better.

I wanted to add to this and get an opinion.<p>I really feel like I'm making a mistake by living out of the house. I can't shake this feeling that if my wife wants to be away, she should live the reality of life outside our house. Is this a common thing? Her A is over but try as I might, I can't rid myself of this feeling. It's driving me nuts and distracting me from what I should be focusing on.

Shameless self bump

I know all too well your feelings about being out of the house. I too feel like it should be the WS who moves out of the house since they are the ones destryoing the M and the family with their selfish actions. <p>I sometimes get the feeling that W is using control of the house and kids as a form of manipulation, or maybe using it to feel like the 'winner' in all of this. W wanted me to move out right after DDay, but I wouldn't budge an inch. I felt like 'out of sight, out of mind' was the rule in this. Unfortunately, W felt like she needed to file a restraining order to get me out of the way, figure that one out. So, in a way, we are both in the same kind of situation, just different circumstances. It sucks, to say the least, but don't let it get the better of you.<p>But, what is done is done, not much I can do about it now. I would recommend looking at ways to move back in. IMO, there is no way a M can be reconcilled properly with the spouses separated.

I think about this all the time. My wife and I are getting along well but every little thing that makes me have the slightest of doubts drives me to want to move back in even more.<p>Her computer is on the fritz and I offered to go and see what I could do after work. She is going to be out and she said she doesn't like the idea of me working on it when she's not there. It makes me think she has something to hide which is why I will install a key logging program. It's like a nasty cycle.<p>As for the house, it is technically MY house so I could move back in at any time. I need to get in touch with a lawyer to be certain about that. I feel like the longer I stay out, the more claim she has to keep it. God that's not the thought process of someone trying to reconcile. Which is why I'm tearing my hair out thinking about this.

Seeking_Guidance,<p>Go for it. I almost go out from my house and live in the car .. I have it all figure out !, take bath in the gymn, eat lunch and bring some for dinner, no need for cooking. But, why ?. I could not afford to support two households but why me ? sacrifice for what ?. I stick it out and she is "moving out" and find excuses to come home once in a while. Hey, this way I have much chances to be the primary custody. I learn to be a single dad. Again unless you have a police record of domestic violent, she can not do anything. But check it with you lawyer.

SG,<p>If she is the one who is the WS, then why are you the one who moved?<p>[ January 23, 2002: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>

ML I moved out prior to finding out about the A. She and I agreed to take some space to breath and step back from the problem so we could get help and fix it. I didn't know at the time but when I moved out they had been seeing each other for 4 months.<p>They are over but I'm still up in the air about the house. Things are going okay now so I may as well ride out the lease which expires in 3 months. We're going to take a hard look at our progress at that point to decide where to go.

SG,<p>That does sound better than I expected. But generally speaking it is never a good idea for the BS to leave. If any leaving has to be done, it is always better for the WS to leave since it is them who had the affair. And, for the reasons you gave above, it is better for the WS to be separated from the home so that they can feel the consequences of their actions.

You should not be the one to move out. She was the one in the wrong. Than you to end up suffering more and altering your life even more, because of something she chose to do. I do agree it is hard to try and reconcile when the two of you are not together. To me it makes no sense when people seperate to work through there problems I think it would make more sense if you had constant contact and time to work on the situatuin. She seems as though she is willing to talk at the convinience of not bringing up what she did, which in all honesty is not fair to you since you obviously need to express how the whole A made you feel. It seems you are also holding alot of resentment because of her actions wich is only just. I think the two of you need to sit down and just let all of your thoughts and emotions out. I have learned it just makes the situation worse if you are made to hold things in, it just creates more internal turmoil.

ML I agree with you totally. Had I known about the situation, she would have been the one to leave. I walked into it thinking that we were going to get some help and give it a run.<p>At one point she even asked if I could get a 3 month lease because she didn't think that I would be out of the house that long. Talking about it now, she says that she said those things because she was feeling them *at the time*. When we would fight she would call or visit the OM.<p>I think one way or another I'll be moving back in when the lease it up. Financially we can't last like this for long so something has to give.

SG. We seem to have a pretty similar situation. I moved out before I found out also. Back when she was sticking to the "I dont just dont love you and need space" statement. After I found out about the A I managed to talk myself back home.<p>I might have missed it but have you talked with her about the possibility of moving back home now instead of when the lease is up?<p>FYI: our ages situations and things seem pretty similar. We're both about a week into the "recovery" period. If you want to compare notes or bounce things off feel free to e-mail me
aluy@excite.com<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

HI:<p>Just sent you an email. We did talk about me moving back in, didn't go well. (understatement of the day).