Honey wrote in her reply to my "Major LB Weekend" post:<p>to live with W in active affair... this is complete disrespect.. please see my plan a thread today with advice from my mb endorsing counselor.. he says plan a does not mean you put up with affiar... you step back and say basicially I am out until affair is over, but I do not have to retalitate or act bad just because you (ws)_ do... In other words you are nice and kind and loving in the face of their cruelty and total disrespect of you and your vows... but you do not put up with it... you seperate from it, you do not trade off.<p>Is this really Harley program?? How can I do a strong Plan A if I'm not in the house? Separation is exactly what OM keeps pushing for, so they can be together more. I am home Fri nite til Mon morning and every weeknite. So they have
limited time, and never overnite together. And separation will hurt more, since I will be away from my teenage daughters.<p>Yes, it hurts to live with WW while she pursues A. No, I don't have patience of Job. Yes, I feel the disrespect, I have posted about how I feel like a SAP, a doormat, a loser. But if I ultimately get back my life, my wife, my family , and my marriage, all of this suffering will be counted as joy. In the meantime, I try to take the few happy moments I have.<p>The hardest part is the loneliness, not having anyone in the world to hold me and tell me that "everything will be OK". Not even God is giving me that assurance right now, though I pray for it constantly.<p>Please advise if Honey is right?

I would tend to agree but I might be in the minority here. <p>I think it's healthier for the BS to deal with it this way. I think this variation of the plan could work. You continue to love your spouse and make yourself a safe place but you gently push them away so that you can have some room to try and heal.<p>I know I don't see things the same as the veterans here, maybe it's in my personality or maybe it's an inexperience thing. I just told my wife last night that if she couldn't be faithful to me during this process that I would walk away. Probably not a great idea but I need it to be able to continue. You could say I'm fence sitting investing in the whole process, to be honest.<p>I know I'm not much help but the boards are slow so I thought I'd chip in.

I believe that Dr. Harley advises that the couple stays together during Plan A. However, they also say that very few people can do this. <p>One thing you have to realize about Honey’s situation is that her H left. She is in the family home with the children. In your case you are talking about you leaving the family home and the children. Do no to it. Your children need you and it will look like you abandoned them.<p>I also believe that the affair will run it’s course more quickly if your wife were out of the house. They could see each other until the got sick of each other. <p>So it’s a compromise. In your case I’d say that you should stay for the sake of your children. If your wife wants to leave, then she will. <p>During this period concentrate on becoming a better you and on plan A’ing your wife. Give her some time frame by which she must end her affair move out. People Plan A all the time while separated. It can work wonders because they will only see you at your best. <p>“I have posted about how I feel like a SAP, a doormat, a loser.”<p>No you are a courageous man who is fighting for his marriage and his family.

Here is a thread that you might find interesting on the topic of plan A.<p>
The Misapplication of Plan A

Hi Boppo,
I agree with Zorweb...do not leave. <p>Plan A was very confusing to me as well. There was a great thread recently about Plan A. I don't know how to link it for you, but if you go into my profile, you may be able to access it from recent threads. It answered so many questions. Sorry I don't know how to link it to make it easier for you. Maybe someone else who is reading this could link it for you. Good luck Boppo! God bless!
BH

brokenhearted

Here is how to link to it.....<p>Copy the web address and past it into the MB reply screen like this.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=007757<p>This alone will do it. But if you want to make it fancy do this....<p>put address here<p>so for the link I put in above...<p>The Misapplication of Plan A<p>[ January 23, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

My understanding of Plan A - after months of counseling with Harley is that you use it to lay a foundation for a new relationship with your spouse. <p>Obviously the old marriage had flaws, which opened the door for an affair. Therefore, in Plan A, you take a good look at the marriage - you discover what your EN's are and what your spouse's EN's are. You also figure out what the LB's are. Then you promptly eliminate any LB's from the relationship(which should help you also in any other relationship with relatives friends etc. also) and try to meet the wayward spouse's needs.<p>
You are showing them, that while in the past, conditions existed in the marriage that caused the WS to seek to have their EN's meet outside the marriage, they no longer need to do that because you are now ready and able to meet those needs.<p>After a time of Plan A - with no LB's and a consistent showing of meeting the WS's needs. The WS should see that the marriage is a viable alternative to the affair - I mean why have your needs met outside the marriage in a relationship of lying, deceit etc. when you can have them met in the marriage. If this consistent display by the BS does not cause WS to return to marriage, then to protect the love you still have left for WS, you move to Plan B, until the A dies a natural death.<p>When the A dies, then the WS should think - well BS provided a relationship that I want to come back to - especially since they have no one else due to death of the A.<p>Now, Plan A is very hard - not for wimps! 1) You have to change your badhabits and bad characteristics and learn not to LB. Not easy, especially when WS makes you angry. 2) you have to learn to meet the WS's EN's. 3) you are not getting your EN's meet during this time.<p>The best way to meet WS's EN's is if they are living with you - so that they can see changes more rapidly. Plan A usually takes 3-6 months to show a demonstrated change. But you need to set your own time limit.<p>Also, when honey talked about separating, she could have meant - detachment. There is a good post by Bramblerose on the Divorced/Divoring board about detachment with love - from Al-anon program. She also posted the 12 step program for us Plan Aers. You can physically live with someone but learn how to emotionally detach, so you don't get as hurt.<p>Yes, having a WS in an active affair is hurtful, painful etc. However, you have to focus on your job in Plan A. The key is to focus! Post your vents here - so as not to LB and see what happens.<p>Sounds simple - it's not - you still need a good support system and possibly even a counselor to help you through the emotional rough spots. But the end result is a healthier happier you - with or without your WS as well as the pride in saying that you did everything that you could to save the marriage. <p>Hopes this helps. K