marriage. Most of what I'm reading is from BS's who, it seems, are still being treated like crap by there WS. I happen to be the WS. Now, I'm not taking ALL the blame, cause my H has done more than his share to hurt me. We have a lot of other issues to work on, besides my A. But I still feel like I need to be there for him right now, try & make him feel better. He has these horrible images in his head & I want to help him get thru it & realize that I am done with this A. I want to be with him, & only him & make our marriage a happy one again. I just don't understand these other WS's that say they want to make their marriage work, yet they are still seeing OP. I understand it hurts to "lose" OP, but we're talking about your H or W compared to OP. Who is more important?

Chelle,
You've already had the big breakthrough, realizing that your H is more important the the OM and should be treated accordingly...this is the attitude that will help you do your part to restore your marriage. Once your H is available and back home, check into marriage counseling to help work through the issues that got you both to this stage of your marriage.<p>Best wishes

I can only talk as a BS. He, like me is a lucky man that you want to work things out. I would say do all you can to understand his pain and help heal him. Realise the images he is having are VERY overwhelming, reasure him that they are not real. My WS has been helpin me get over this and for me its the key to our survival.
I hope you only the best marriage you can have when he and you heal.
God bless you.

Chelly,
I applaud your post. I too am a WS but I must ask you ...How long before you came to this realization? What finally did it for you and how do you approach your H while he is hurting and you caused it? I find it hard to try and comfort my W when she can only look at me with distrust.<p>brw [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

brw,<p> When you find it hard to comfort W when she looks at you with dis-trust, remember that you did that to her. <p> I read you other threads and you seem really to want to save your marriage. If that is true then, DO THE WORK! <p> Your wife cannot just magically trust you again, brw. You have got to gain that trust back with actions. Do not expect it to happen overnight. Hell, man, you put this crap on her for 3+ years. <p> You need to understand that it may take that long or longer to earn her trust back. To earn her respect. Your wife sounds like a piece of gold amonst a pile of coal. Or worse. Thing is....in time....coal turns to diamonds.<p> Put in the time, do the work. You CAN handle it. Assuming your wife is willing to give you another chance. If she does, don't blow it man. You may not get another.<p> I want to also push you to heal the hurt you have caused your children. This is just as important as healing the marriage. Probably more so. <p> It is time for you to stop thinking of yourself and give to the family un-conditionally. You sounded like you are ready to do just that. I applaud you for coming to the realization. <p> Now Get To Work And Save Your Family<p> jd

jdmac1,
OUCH! I didn't think I was sounding so self-centered. I don't mean to be I'm just not sure how to "be there" for my W when I know I caused the pain. You are right on all counts. It's my work to do.
Thanks for "the boot"!
brw [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

MOve over, Chelle, I'm coming into the boat with you. I realize now how foolish I've been and that anything I need can be obtained from my H. He is a very giving affectionate man and I am lucky to have him. <p>I have tried in the last few months to make him happier and in return, he does the same for me and I think our marriage is stronger than it ever dreamed of being...thanks in a huge part to all of you here. I shudder to think what would have happened to us without the invaluable experience and advice shared here.

brw,
It didn't take me long at all to some to this realization. I wsn't in love with the OM either, so that may have made it easier for me. What did it? My H. The change in him is remarkable! I used to be married to a lazy drunk, & now I have back the man I married. It has actually amazed me how fast the love just came back. I feel for him now, the way I did when we were 1st married. i don't really have a problem approaching him, he has been great. To think he could be like this, after what I've done to him, I don't know how he does it. We had a long talk this past weekend & we both said some really hurtful things. The nest day he is asking me if I'm ok & that he hates to see me hurting like that. Like I don't deserve it? I guess I'm lucky. We have both been trying to handle this calmly. We started off yelling & fighting about it, then realized that was getting us nowhere. Our relationship has improved so much already. He is still having problems getting the images out of his head, but for the most part we are both doing really well. I hope it continues this way. I know I've found my soulmate & I'll NEVER do anything to jepordize losing him again. The only advise I could give you, brw, is ask your W what she needs/wants of you to help her, thats what I did.<p>
diddallas, <p> Hop on in, there's plenty of room. I'm glad things are going well for you!!!

Over the past year I have read many posts here from WS's, but one thing I've noticed is that when a partner is really trying to apply MB ideas in their life, it's often quite difficult to tell whether they were WS or BS! If both partners apply the principles every day, you can't tell which was which! How cool is that?

I am speaking as a BS, so I apologize in advance for any toes I may step on. I am also very new here, but I am trying to find some help and I do believe that there is hope. My H has had 2 A with two separate women. I have found out rather quickly with each. He has never fully apologized for either and has a way of making it into "my problem" or "my fault". I do want my marriage to work and that is why I am here. I want to know that I have done everything possible. I would like to hear from other BS who are working at their marriage and if the WS is attempting any effort to make the marriage work. Thank you for listening. Have a great day.

No, absolutely not...all the WS's around these parts have absolutely no desire to fix their marriages and/or relationships whatsoever...we come here and put up with all the drama, etc...because we're all masochists [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

towardsthefuture:
I don't have a percentage and I am very new here but I think Chelly is a good example of WANTING to put things back together. Some marriages aren't meant to be saved but most are if both people are willing to work and especially the WS.
It's coming out of the "fog" that is what presents the greatest problem and if it happens soon enough. The WS only sees things from their perspective until the fog lifts. I know. I am one.
To those that are trying.....keep it up!
Brw [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

brw, Thanks!!!!!!! <p>Towards the future,
Not all of us WS's are unwilling to make things work. I want nothing more than to get thru this & have a happy marriage. We are not the only "bad guys" in these situations either. Everyone has there breaking point. Not that thats an excuse, because its not, But sometimes it takes the very worst situation to make people realize what they have, or could have if they just work a little harder for it. I am totally committed to making my marriage work & helping my H get thru this. I still don't know exactly how to do that, but I am trying & doing my best. I think you need to change your additude. I don't know your situation, maybe your WS isn't doing what you want or need. But, please don't lump all of us WS's together. We are all different people, with different thoughts, feelings & ways of handeling our own problems. I told my H I will do whatever he needs me to do for him, & he is doing what I need him to do for me. We ARE going to make it!!!! I have no doubts about that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish you luck!<p> Chelle

ACK!! I'm the WS, and I was ::gasp::.....joking!<p>::hides under table::

Well, why didn't you say that??????????? Sorry, I took your post the wrong way. I was just wondering, after reading all these posts about peoples WS still having contact with the OP & just being plain mean to their BS. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one out there that is trying to fix things.

Chelle96 & Toward the Future:
I misinterpreted also. I am glad that TtF put us straight!
Brw
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

A quick question for the WS's - what did/can the BS's do until the fog lifts?<p>BRW mentioned coming out of the fog as the greastest problem. As a BS what can I do to help? And believe me I want to help!

Good question, twinkles! I would like to know the answer to that one also. Please someone fill us in, thanks in advance. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

twinkles & tamm:
Whew! That's a good question. My wife and I have been discussing that and I believe that it is hard to do unless both people are willing to LISTEN to each other without a lot of anger. I know that is hard for the BS but that's how I read MB's Plan A.
I think that the problems will have to be addressed eventually as far as what the WS did to the BS but there must be an opportunity for the WS to be truthful about the whole thing without a hostile response. That sounds ridiculous I know but to me it puts both people in a defensive position. That makes it difficult to understand what each others thoughts and feelings are. The hostility will be there undoubtedly and that needs to be expressed for the healing to begin but we must be willing to listen. That may be a round about way of saying that I'm not sure what they can do. If two people love each other enough and want to make it work they find a way.
brw
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]