Well, after nearly a year since d-day and two separations (including the current one since New Year&#8217;s Eve) my wife (WS) finally asked the following last night:<p>&#8220;Do you think there is a difference between loving someone and &#8216;being in love&#8217;?&#8221;<p>I have been waiting for this shoe to drop for a long time. Remember, she is the one who is concerned about the loss of &#8220;passion&#8221; in our relationship and doesn&#8217;t know how to get it back. That really seems to be her biggest concern. That the same passion isn&#8217;t there that was there at the beginning of our relationship. She continues to tell me she loves me. <p>Anyway, she has never used the phrase &#8220;in love&#8221; vs. &#8220;loving&#8221; before but said she has been reading about the concept and wanted my take on it.<p>I asked what her reading had shown and she said she wanted my opinion first. <p>In a nutshell, I told her I had read some about it, too and that I think that it is a common feeling for someone in her position. That &#8220;passion&#8221; and the &#8220;in love&#8221; feeling waxes and wanes during a relationship, but that doesn&#8217;t mean the relationship itself is dead or dieing but that it is fairly normal. That you can&#8217;t make decisions based upon the ebb and flow of &#8220;passion.&#8221; I also pointed out that what she felt in the A was some excitement that, when compared to what we felt following our 12-year relationship perhaps passed as &#8220;passion&#8221; and &#8220;in love&#8221; feelings and that it is hard to compare the long-term feelings of love vs. the excitement of the A.<p>She said that is pretty much what she has read, too. <p>I don&#8217;t know if our discussion has helped her sort any feelings out but I was kind of glad she brought it up.<p>Our evening was OK, overall, and we talked and laughed a little about other things besides the relationship.<p>She still says she needs time and space to sort out her feelings. (She is not in contact w/OM, I am pretty sure of that). I think dinner and our talk went OK. <p>I think by asking the question that she remains somewhat confused.<p>So---any thoughts?<p>Thanks <p>E

The difference between loving someone and being in love with them to me, is like this:<p>I love bananas, but I am not in love with bananas.<p>I love my grandmother, but I am not in love with her.<p>I think there are levels of love.<p>Friendship love, sexual love, and unconditional love--the way parents love their kids... and then there is affection, like when I kiss my grandmother on her cheek or pet my guinea pig.<p>I don't think love can be based on feelings because sometimes I REALLY feel in love with my husband and sometimes I really feel like choking him... Because I felt like choking him doesn't mean that I don't still love him.<p>I think we have to get past the "feelings" that come with love because some days you don't feel like doing what is right. Feelings are fickle.<p>I remember being infatuated with my husband and that faded away after the honeymoon! But it didn't mean that I didn't love him or that I was not in love with him.<p>I think we can create the mood for being and staying in love through our mindsets and attitudes. I think remaining grateful for having the person in our lives keeps us in a frame of mind to show our appreciation and celebrate their lives each and every day.<p>So yes, there is a difference between loving and being in love, but I don't think it is based on feelings at all. I think it goes deeper than feelings. I think it is based on commitment.

From what I can tell, it sounds rather positive. She asked you about it as opposed to telling you she is not "in love" with you. That's a good thing as far as I can tell.<p>My wife still has not said this little phrase since we've been separated, with D pending. The closest she has come to this is about a month and a half ago (maybe longer ago), she said she does like me. I have never pursued the subject, perhaps trying to avoid the possibility that she will say those dreaded words. I suspect she feels that way though.<p>So for your W to have asked you about it instead of telling you about it seems to be a good thing. Of course, I have no way of knowing for sure and she may still tell you in the future (I pray that she doesn't). And since she is not in contact with the OM, she may come to realize that love is a decision, not an emotion.<p>I hope I have helped.
jdb

I suppose asking what I thought rather than telling me that's where she is seems better. <p>Love is commitment...<p>Love is a decision...<p>Hmmmm.....<p>E