Yeah it's official, I'm losing it. I had a good day yesterday, well almost. Went home and had a bite after work, took a nice long hot bath to relax. Then I went to play basketball with some guys from work. I am SO out of shape but I still have the touch!<p>Wife had her counseling and it went very well. She made a couple break throughs, or so I would call them. She told me (we talked several times on the phone during the day) that she realized that in her mind she can't be happy without both of us (me and OM) because she gets some of what she needs from me, some from him but not enough in one person. I told her that I realized this a while ago which is why I haven't been beating her up about it. Things are already getting better for her as she gets over him. They covered quite a few things and are going to discuss her eating problem (she's only shared this with me twice in our time together and refuses to talk about it when I express concern). She was doing the eat then vomit thing for a while, stopped and started again not long ago. Now she's lost A LOT of weight and is down to her high school weight which is really not good. Counselor also determined that she is functionally depressed, which I am told means that she can get through her days okay but it sets in at night or in her downtime.<p>They're making progress and for that I'm happy for her. I was driving to the house to visit her and my son when it really hit me how much I miss her. It was a dark and lonely drive. By the time I got there she had put my son to sleep (didn't see him yesterday and I miss him). She was writing in her journal (I think she just recently started this, maybe at the suggestion of the counselor, either way it's a good thing) so I made some croissants and poured us something to drink. We talked a bit, she thanked me and told me I had made her happy the last few days.<p>I didn't stay long and as I was making my way out she said something to the effect that she had shaped her pubic hair (always has done this) today and it was itching her. Not sure why she even said anything but she was scratching so maybe she felt self conscious. Jokingly I told her to stop playing with herself and she said something like "Oh please, there's no life down there!". I know my face went blank because she asked me what was wrong. She used to say the same thing when she was with him and they were sexually active. Obviously I found out about this after the fact. I tried to explain how some of the things she says triggers these thoughts and images. It kept me awake for a while when I returned to the apartment and I woke up a couple times during the night and had to push those thoughts firmly away.<p>I read some of the threads here and it seems like my situation isn't nearly so hard as some others. How the hell do you all deal with this stuff? My wife isn't seeing the OM anymore and we're in our individual recovery and working towards being able to heal each other, if that's the way we choose to go. I'm holding up pretty good but my highs are short and my lows are long. I am cultivating my patience but it's hard for me. One other thing my wife mentioned yesterday: She asked if I had enough silverware and I told her I had plenty for me, it's not like I entertain all the time. She said "You know, you might someday soon" to which I replied I'm not even looking for that right now. She asked me why is it the OM can move on so easily whereas I can't. I told her I choose to be there for her because I care for her and think she's worth the fight. I kind of got the impression that she's insecure about where I stand, maybe because of some of the changes I'm making. Maybe a WS could give me some perspective on this?

She's feeling very, VERY insecure right now, and wondering if you won't just wake up one day and decide that she's more trouble than she's worth. At this stage, the WS needs constant reassurance from you that yes, you're in this for the long haul, and that you love her and always will.<p>She feels like she's done a wrong she can never repair...give her a reason to hope that she can be happy with you again. She's very weak and vulnerable as she tries to figure herself and her life out now...be there for her, and answer her reassurances lovingly and patiently.<p>An A is about more that a relationship...usually, the WS is feeling unsatisfied with their life or with themselves...sometimes the relationship with their BS becomes the "scapegoat", or what they blame their unhappiness on. But it's themselves they're unhappy with (well, sometimes...there are many different reasons for A's I guess). Her self-esteem is, like yours, probably at an all time low.<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

Thanks TtF. That's what I'm telling myself and beginning to feel inside that it is so. She thanked me for doing what I am, that she needed to feel safe while she deals with the issues she has.<p>I'm there for her every night, we've spent some really nice time together these last few days and she told me she's been happy. I feel like we're making progress but both of us are insecure. I'm going to do my best not to show it, to be the rock she needs in her life now. I think I finally got past the thought of taking my house back and moving on. She's worth it and this time we're taking is vital to her future, be it with me or another.<p>I've given myself a timeline I am going to shoot for. <p>End of 3 months: Be able to determine if we're going to move forward and work on our marriage. If so, begin "dating" phase. This is our time to take stock in ourselves and make sure we want to make this effort.<p>End of 6 months: Possibly regain some intimacy, physical and emotional. Hopefully the dating phase is going well at this point and we're learning to love one another again. No rushing intimacy, it could come much earlier or much later.<p>End of 12 months: Be able to really look forward to the future together.<p>Kind of a loose timeline but it helps to set goals. At any time in this timeline I might have to move back in for finacial reasons but I know that we can manage that.

I'm a WS who also suffers from depression occassionally. Like TtF said, insecurity is a big issue at the moment.<p>From my experience, when I'm feeling depressed and insecure I feel like life would be easier for my BS without me and my burdens. Sometimes I feel like he could happily move on, and get so much more out of life if I wasn't there holding him back. These thoughts almost always accompany some of my worst bouts of depression and were present long before I engaged in an EA. <p>They have however, gotten worse since my EA, and my subsequent struggle to end it. I too write in a journal and find it extremely helpful. <p>I guess my only advice would be to continue to be her safe-haven and continue reassuring her that you want to be with her because she means that much to you.

Timid thanks for coming onto the board and replying to me. I am really going to try to be there to reassure her. It's hard sometimes but I do care for her that much.<p>Sometimes I think she just wants to be free of me and I've offered to let her go if that's what she needs. This is such a hard thing to deal with.

I can understand the frustration and hurt that this is causing you. I see it in the eyes of my BS when he's trying to be patient and understanding with me. It's very difficult for everyone concerned. I can empathise with your wife, because depression can be equally confusing.<p>I know at times I make comments to my BS about leaving or having him move on, but deep down with out the confusion of my depression I know that's not what I want. I know it would kill me if he wasn't there to support me and show me unconditional love. It's just difficult at times to show him that that's how I feel. <p>Sometimes I say things on purpose to hurt him, in retaliation for all the hurt that I'm feeling inside. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I guess I feel like if he's hurting too, than maybe he can understand what I feel...or at least we're in the same place. It's kind of a sick way of thinking/dealing, but I'm not always rational when depressed.<p>I've been lurking for several months now and only felt compelled to come out of the wood works now. I guess I'm finally ready to really deal with what I've done and really work at what I have. I just hope that what I'm saying makes sense to you and maybe helps you deal a little bit. <p>~ Timid

Your words do help. I can only pray that she's feeling the same about me but is afraid to voice it to me.<p>I am going to try to get through this. If we don't, hopefully we can part on decent terms for our sons sake. <p>We've made some progress and I've seen some positive signs but we have a long road. I'm going to try and stay the course.