D has been getting up too early for the last several nights (4:30, 5:30, etc), sometimes asks about "where Papa is" and then tosses and turns, doesn't want to go back to sleep. Since I generally must leave by 7:00 a.m., FIL comes to pick D up at 6:30. For the last three days, I've been greeting my FIL with my bathrobe because I've been working to make sure my D gets more sleep and subsequently, can't take a shower until she's either sleeping or until my FIL arrives. Of course, this is not the problem. I feel that somtimes it's normal BUT...<p>When I called to check on my D later in the morning, MIL started ranting about the fact that I should have called H in the middle of the night. I didn't understand why I should call him. She felt he could have helped to get her under control...not that I mentioned that D had asked about her dad BUT...shouldn't I be working towards being able to resolve these things on my own? My H chose to leave. I made that statement to my MIL who just refuses to believe that her son, who's never done anything wrong, has just "decided to leave his family". She made it clear that she thought I had changed since my D was born 2 1/2 years ago, that I started to put my H second...doesn't that always happen when you have a child for the first while? Okay, I honestly admit that I was totally absorbed in my child's needs...does that mean that I am to blame for his departure or his descent into an A? My MIL knows nothing about my H's A but three months after my D was born, my H met the OW. <p>Did I respond incorrectly? Don't know what to do anymore. Really don't. SO SAD.<p>Then H goes to pick up D after work, parents blow up at him, say that people are looking at him as the bad guy and does he realize what he's doing, etc...<p>I come home and H blasts me...it's my fault, I forced his hand, he's going to sue for custody that I can find a new husband, my IL's can find a new son and my daughter can find a new father.<p>I looked at him and immediately felt both sorry and guilty for all the mistakes.<p>H continued to rant that he will never come back to me because he HATES me and loves someone else. I am pyschotic.<p>Bad.

T,<p>Do you see by this tirade and continued verbal abuse that he is not doing well emotionally at all? I really think that you need to be the strong one right now and set some boundries. Plan B might just be the best thing for you and him right now. Anytime anyone lays blame at his feet or questions his actions, he goes beserk. It will be hard for you to make any progress with him right now.<p>About the MIL, she's probably feeling stressed out about her sons life also. Let her comments go. You have been shouldering all of the responsibility while your H is out "finding himself". No need to engage in a huge debate with her. You will end up feeling worse.

I completely agree with cleopatra. I also think you should get your D in counseling. Not getting a good night sleep is a sign of depression and she needs help. Being sleep deprived adds to the depression too. See a counselor. Find out if there is anything D can take (sleepingpills?) so she can get a good nights rest. I struggeled with insomnia for over a year. I have been off sleeping pills for months but before I came to the acceptance that I needed to be on them my mood/attitude/brain was totally sleep deprived and it fed into a lot of other issues.

T-<p>Lets review-<p>3 mo after your D was born, H starts an A. You find out about A, H moves out (his choice). You are now a single mom, you have to take care of D all night, by yourself. D is feeling effects of H abandoning her and cant sleep (very normal response, but make sure she gets to a C). You have to stay up all night with her, yet still some how work and function the next day. You get help fom H's family, who obviously does not know the whole truth. You are doing the best you can under very, very trying circumstances. <p>And you are the psychotic one? NOT! You are a very brave woman and should be proud of yourself!<p>I think you handled yourself very well. H is upset because now mommy is putting the screws to him. H's little fantasy world is falling apart and there is nothing he can do about it. He is blaming you for all his problems, but we all know where the fault lies. You know that H is just blowing smoke with his tirades and threats. But, be careful with his anger, he does sound like a very explosive person. If you are worried about your safety, take immediate action<p>Obviously MIL isn't the best person to go to for support right now. How is your relationship with FIL?, do you think he would be more understanding. Sometimes dads have a different perspective on their sons than moms do. (like "S, I understand you are having an A and have abandoned your W and D, what the @#$ is wrong with you, I ought to knock you into next week! I know thats what my dad would do if the roles were reversed)<p>This post shows strength, courage and determination. How are you feeling?, still planning on doing something with D this weekend?

Dear T,
You are doing great. How old is your D?
See if you can find something to make you laugh today.
I bet you are not sleeping so well yourself.
Your H will soon feel stupid for having a long distance affair TRY not to say I told you so!
MIL is just upset, worried about son,grandchild, and you, doesnt understand, let it go.
Can you take your D away for an overnite somewhere? Maybe a hotel with a pool, some quiet time to talk. Would do you both good.
Next year stupid H wont even remember the stupid stuff he is saying now.
We love you and know you are dancing as fast as you can.
You are not alone.

Thanks to all of you for replying. I really need some direction and over time, I've discovered that MB'ers who have experienced infidelity are the only people that really KNOW. <p>Cleo, I am worried about my H. He is not doing well although he continues to claim he is in perfect control.<p>NH, I never considered depression at such a young age. Now you have me worried and even "hating" my alien H. My D just doesn't deserve this.<p>LHS, You're right. MIL is very defensive of her son. Won't go there at all. FIL is a wonderful guy but blood is blood, right? Prefer to just stand away from IL's. They're hurting so much. Can't believe that their wonderful son could ever do anything "wrong or bad". I did tell my MIL that H isn't bad because he's looking for happiness. He's still a good person. <p>Thanks for your vote of confidence. I don't feel particularly strong but I do understand more than I used to...it's kind of like I see right through my H. Yes, I am still planning on going away with my D although my mother and MIL are making me feel as if I'm too unstable to go by myself.<p>Dear SP, Nice to hear from you. Glad you think I'm doing great. I don't really feel that way...no, I'm not sleeping well either. I'm not sure that my H will ever feel remorse about his A. Hopefully, one day, you'll be right and I also hope that you're right about next year, he won't even remember. Actually, I pray for that.
Yes, I'm taking my D on a nice long weekend getaway.<p>Hugs to all of you for keeping me above water.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong><p>Cleo, I am worried about my H. He is not doing well although he continues to claim he is in perfect control.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Typical again. I can remember my H basically going down the laundry list of depression symptoms (I feel numb, nothing makes me happy anymore, I just want to sleep all the time, my stomach is a mess...) and then saying "There is NOTHING wrong with me. I am FINE!" Ugh. I wish I could come over there and shake him out of the fog for you T!

Hi FD, Thanks for keeping a close eye on me. Ever think the fog is permanent?

T,<p>He is babbling. I mean how are they going to get a new son and your daughter a new father??? Ok, disowning their son and your daughter being adopted. All replaceable? No. Not even you. Though many OPs think Divorce is the answer, try doing that and giving the WS everything back, including 1/2 of your child. Hm..... impossible. Yet D is done daily. <p>Yet he is babbling. T, let him babble. When he rants and raves, just look and don't say anything. Let the last thing he hears be his voice. Practice 'the look'.<p>When my H babbled, I said that I did not understand him and to come back and talk to me when he made sense. <p>Take Care,
L.

T,<p>TOTAL FOG! My husband looked so tortured internally. Didn't even resemble who I thought he was. Its all part of the fog.
Once he has to start facing reality, he'll sober up. Also, I have mentioned this before, do you think that he was already emotionally unstable before the A? This whole situation could have aggrivated any underlying issues.<p>Now, when his A hits the light of day, that's when you are most likely to see a change. I mean when people know about the A, when the OW and him have to face the music. Right now, nobody really knows about the affair and the OW is in another country which perpetuates his fog. I think he is tarting to freak because he IS losing control of his big coverup and attempts into making you think that it is your fault.
BE STRONG!!! HOLD YOUR GROUND!!!

Hi O, Certainly does sound like babble. Really hope that it is and realizes it one day. H is so angry today. Doesn't even want to look at me. Hope you're doing well, O.<p>Cleo, Exactly what I was thinking when I looked at him last night...tortured. He is a tortured man and I cannot help him. I don't believe that he was emotionally unstable. I do believe that he's always had anger issues. Don't know why. He's an extremely critical person. Was before we were married. Re: the A hitting the light of day, I don't think it will. People are fast assuming there's another woman BUT I am saying nothing. However, even the assumption has bothered him a great deal and obviously this same assumption has devastated his parents. They will NEVER forgive him if they find out. And even this, he blames me for...<p>Isn't it awful to watch?

Hi Terrified - even young kids get depressed. My oldest son was on zoloft during my H's A and is just now going off of it. My kids are a bit older though (8 and 10 now).<p>I'd call a child psychologist and talk to him/her about whats going on.<p>Not only that, but you need help for YOU. Its very possible that its your emotions that your daughter is picking up on (I know that my very young children ALWAYS were sensitive to my emotions and moods).<p>Time to get yourself under control, if only for your D's sake.<p>And btw, if it comes to a divorce...no judge is going to allow your H and your MIL to kick you out of your D's life. Go see an attorney (many offer free consultations) just to find out what the laws are and what you can expect. You'll sleep better and your H's threats will lose their power to upset you as much. You'll even find yourself giggling in private over his complete fog. (You should have HEARD the things my H said while fogged! He thought he was going to have the kids taken from me too because I had been on antidepressants).

Oh and btw, what you do in caring for your D is NONE of your MIL's business. Politely thank her for her concern and let her words just go past you. She doesn't have all the facts about what is going on, and she's obviously not on YOUR side.

I would also add - have you read the book Boundaries? <p>It's a MUST read for us. My WH acts the same way! They are trying to CONTROL us and they know what to say to do it!<p>His threats are unreasonable and just threats because he's guilty, and scared of losing control over you. If you want - keep a journal - of what happened from your perspective and then what he is accusing you of - it may help later.<p>Guilt is the weapon of the angry person - see the book. <p>We can't continue to let our WH's anger do this to us. I also found it interesting in the book how it talks about when we set boundaries the angry person begins to act like a 2 year old. They cannot set limits on themselves so they try to set limits on others and when you are no longer under their control then they lose it!<p>Remember that you are being a good mom, and you may want to tell him that you'll have to see him with a 3rd party from now on if he's going to act that way around you. <p>I've heard the same song and dance from my WH and he's just trying to find something - anything to put on the BS to help him rationalize what he's doing. However, when rational people hear what's going on, they are going to know who is the sane one and who is the crazy one. <p>I know it's hard to get through these moments, I fall victim to it too - but that is what Plan B is for when it gets to be too bad. <p>Hang in there! K

Trust me T when the two "love birds" actually are around each other they will not be able to hide imperfections.
My H said such crazy stuff! "I love you but not in love..." "she makes me feel like teenager" yada yada
Now he looks back and feels like an idiot - says "what was I thinking"
Your H is caught up in a fantasy - it is not real and he will see it soon. His anger shows things are strting to unravel, you are the easiest to blame.
I told my H when he went on a tangent "will she love you so much when she see's you act like this?" "I have seen you at your worst and I still love you, this is reality - that is not real"
Be gracious, trust me he will feel stupid next year.
Maybe you could tell your MIL "I really love H, There is noone else for ME"
Keep your chin up, your doing great.
NOW GET SOME SLEEP!

don't deny anything anymore for him. The best thing you can do for him and yourself is to acknowledge the truth. He's waaaaaaaayyyyyy out there. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
The truth is reality. The sooner he faces up to it, the better off the three of you will be.