Recently, I found out that my W has continued contact with the OM despite the fact she adamantly had told me all along that they were not in communication. The second d-day was last Tuesday. We have talked about the fact that for our family to heal she needs to cease all communication. She understands that. <p>Here is my dilema. Almost all of my friends and family, people that have been close to both of us in the past tell me I should ask her to leave. They believe that for her to continue to do this after how hard I have tried is unacceptable and she is "walking all over me." My concern is that I am in a fog....the kind that doesn't allow me to see the right thing to do and they can see as clear as a bell. But I don't feel it is plan b time because of the talks we have had just since Thursday. Then again, these talks sound like the same as the ones we had at the beginning of October. I am honest with her and tell her of this dilema, and she gets angry and says I should not let others make decisions for me. Hopefully, someone can shed some light on this for me. Note: i have introduced her to this sight so she will most likely read all of your responses.<p>[ January 25, 2002: Message edited by: KAP ]<p>[ January 25, 2002: Message edited by: KAP ]</p>

I think you should tell your friends and family - thanks for caring and their concern. Validate that they are right and you agree with them but that you are not ready to do that yet. But that there will be a time when you are ready to tell her to leave. <p>Bottom line, it is your life. Only you know what is best for you. If you say it is not time for Plan B. Then its not time for Plan B. But I appreciate and I think your friends and family will too if you say there will come a time when it is necessary. But only you know when that is.

I think that this is where you "Take what you like and leave the rest."<p>This is your life. They don't have to live with the consequences...you do.<p>Unless any of your friends or family members are experts at marital survival and recovery ... then take what they say with a grain of salt. You are an intelligent human being and capable of finding a solution and sticking to it.

Michele Weiner-Davis speaks directly to this topic in her book The Divorce Remedy. It grieves the people who care about you to see you suffer and in pain. They want it to stop, thinking it will make you feel better so that THEY can feel better.<p>I just keep reassuring my family that I will know when it is time to make the next move. I am able to point to my previous divorce and my ability to make the difficult decisions and follow through, etc., and that seems to reassure them.

There is a lot of disagreement on the subject of wether or not a separation is good or bad in our situation. I am a firm believer that a separation is the beginning of the end. A separation mearly gives your wife the opportunity to try out her om full time. She may discover that he is not the one. But she also may believe no one else can make her happy. Even if she decides he is not the one I think it would be very difficult for her to face you again after persuing the om.<p>My advice would be to avoid a separation at all costs. Only plan B if you have all but given up. You may feel like you're going insane and probably are a little. It's normal. Plan B is a huge risk, huge! I understand the concept but really how can you really affect change in your relationship if you never see her. I've been through all that you've described with family and friends and you know what? You're marriage has to be put ahead of everyone else right now if it is to have any chance. Screw everybody else. They only confuse the issue.<p>Be drastic if you must to get her to end the affair but don't separate unless you're prepared to begin your life without her in it. I confronted my wife's om and used everything in my power to get him to see the truth. That he was manipulating her and that the affair was wrong from the beginning. My wife's affair lasted 3 1/2 years. D-day was September 15, 2001. My wife initially wanted a separation then a divorce after I found out. I fought her every step of the way. I was never mean or cruel. I constantly told her I loved her and showed her best as I could. Plan A'd my [censored] off to put it short. She came back to me rather quickly but continued contact with the other man until he broke it off. I believe he broke it off because of the pressure I was putting on him. I threatened his job, threatened telling his parents and his friends, I even threatened to jump on a plane and come to kick his [censored]. It turned out that he never planned to commit to my wife and eventually admitted that he was doing most of his thinking with his little head. Once he had some logic thrown in it was too much for him to handle and he ran. <p>My wife and I are still pretty shakey but we'll be all right. If I'd have let the separation happen easily I have no doubt my marriage would have been irrepairable. My wife would have clung on to him forever if she could. That hurts me pretty bad to acknowledge that but I think it's true. Only after he dumped her was she forced to look at herself and our relationship.<p>Help you wife to break it off. Even if it hurts her initially. You can't begin until it ends, completely. She will not love you again if she is allowed to receive his love. Drastic times, drastic measures. Be safe, be legal, don't be affraid to contact the om, he's just another person, you may find he's easier to talk to about the affair than your wife is. Make yourself known to him. Make him face the fact that he's trying to destroy a family. If you have kids send him a picture and tell him about them. Put a little reality into their fantasy. It's not wrong for you to not trust her and by the same token she should not trust you just yet either. Tell her all of this. Be open with her about all that you are doing. She'll find out about it anyway. Just make sure you emphasize the point that whatever you do, even if it brings her pain, it's what you feel is best for the marriage and family. She will need to hear this a thousand times before she begins to believe it but keep saying it and she'll have to see it. Above all believe in yourself, your wife, and your marriage and you'll be fine. It'll take time but you'll be fine. Don't give up. Keep fighting.

Saddad,.... and everyone.<p>Thanks, sounds like we are in the same boat. I really appreciate hearing from everyone since it feels like I am getting more pressure than help from my "friends and family" support network.<p>KAP