...and I'm about to break! What an appropriate song!<p>It seems like every time I talk to my W I come away with a bad feeling. I just spoke with her now and she said to me "You do know that eventually I'm going to see him again, don't you?". This came out of nowhere, must be she's been thinking of him today. My heart stopped of course but I calmly asked her "Why?". I told her that bumping into someone in the street is a far cry from seeking them out. She said that she has a couple of his things and he has a couple of hers. Their plan was to give themselves time to get over one another before they took care of those details. She says it's not about pursuing anything. Edit: Thought I should add that I told her I would rather she be done with it now and cut the string it seems they've left between them. She also said that she feels like if we don't work out she is throwing everything away. Then she told me to ignore her, that she's having a "Bad Day".<p>Well right now I'm just seething. I didn't let it show aside from withdrawing from the conversation. I really feel like I need to put some distance between us now. I'm on the verge of tossing it all away by letting my anger get the best of me. In the back of my mind I feel like this is something I SHOULD do. I've read too much on these boards to be that foolish, I know this is the natural progression of this process but damnit I want to be happy too! She wasn't the only one unhappy in our marriage for years. I'm venting now so I'll be okay but that really upset me. If she contacts him it's over. I'm sorry but I just don't have it in me to go through months of her being on again off again.<p>So once again, I'm floundering. I can see now before this is over I'm going to have about 200000000000 posts to my name. Thanks for letting me ramble.<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: Seeking_Guidance ]</p>

Has your wife heard of mail service? She could mail his stuff back to him with a no contact letter and ask for her stuff to be mailed back to her. I would even go as far as to send a check to cover his mailing costs. She honestly does not think you are going to stand by while she comes up with an excuse to see him does she?

That's what makes me angry. I didn't push it right away because I knew that I would just lose my temper but what kind of a moron must she think I am?<p>I am going to broach this subject with later, when I have some time to think about it and be rational. I think she actually believes that they can be friends in the future and that it wouldn't be a big deal to take care of this then. She's been fooling herself about him all this time.<p>All I can say for sure is that if she decides to keep this string and not make the decision to never speak to him again, it makes MY decision much more clear. I'm giving her time for withdrawal but I'm not going to wait forever. Right now, I'm taking things literally one day at a time.

If and when she brings up the idea of returning his things again maybe you could offer to handle it for her (mailing the items back). Maybe something along the lines of you are afraid that it may be painful for her to have to see him again and you would like to be given the chance to protect her from that pain. Handled right you could look to her like the good guy that you really are and it keeps you from worry about how the contact would go. <p>Best of luck, I will keep praying for you.

Thanks SF, every prayer counts.<p>I know I'm not in the right frame of mind to think about this now but I really feel like if she wants to make that contact then she's going to.<p>Even though it's probably not the right thing to do, I feel like the only thing I can do about it is help her understand that there are consequences to be had in continuing with contact. I know in my heart that I WILL let her go if she does this. We've agreed to brutal honesty and I plan to uphold my part of it, even if it puts pressure on her.

I know that things seem very overwhelming to you right now. I was there 10 months ago. If you could have seen me then. WOW, what a disaster I was. There were times that I thought the answer to my prayers would have been to run my car into one of those concrete barriers in the middle of the highway. If you know me you would know how far from my personality that would be. I have always been the strong one. I was always the one that fixed everything for everyone else including my WH. So when things got mad for me and I could not fix it I was a mess. <p>I went back and read some of your posts and I want you to stop and think about how much progress you have made in the past six days. On 1/18 you posted that there would be a D. On 1/19 it has changed to a legal seperation. Now, not even one week later, things seem to be moving away from that as well. Even if it has not be said outloud, she seems to be looking more to you for comfort and you are there. The way you handle things over the next few months will tell your WS what a great husband, father and friend you can be. If she decides to give all of that up in the end, you are still a great person. I think that will be a hard thing to walk away from when it comes down to decision time. <p>Be there for her, be strong for your family (including yourself) and let her see what she would be losing if she make the wrong decision. You seem to be a very strong person and this takes a great deal of strenth to get through, but while your wife is leaning on you, you can lean on us here. We have been there. Even when that one thing happens (whatever it may be) that makes you think "OK there is no way anyone else has ever dealt with this" someone here has dealt with it. <p>Keep up the hard work, it will pay off in the end. Ten months ago if someone would have told me that my WH would be calling and asking me out and offering to help me work on the house I would have told them they were crazy. Well, I went from not seeing him for several months to seeing him several times a week and talking nearly everyday. I keep a log of all of the contact I have with him and there has been five days in the past five weeks that I have not talked to him either in person or on the phone. And can you imagine that someone else had to point out to me that we were making progress. It is hard to see all of the little baby steps when we are right there, but those of us that are removed look and see how far the baby steps have taken you.<p>Keep posting and I will keep praying for you and your wife. She needs God's strong hands right now to keep the devil away from her.

Great reply, thanks. I know we've made alot of progress in a short time. I know I need to be patient even is she does slip and make contact.<p>I'm just trying to be honest with myself when I question whether I can handle dealing with it, you know? I am strong, I can be the pillar she needs to get through this but if the OM is there, it erodes away MY foundation and I start to second guess myself.<p>I will try and I'll do a lot of leaning here on the boards. Only time will tell, I'm trying to keep my spirits up.

Hi SG,<p>First of all you are aware of her state of mind and heart right now. Both towards you and against you it wavers by the hour and minute. So don't rush into your anger because it could change again and that makes the roller coaster ride even more bumpy.<p>Ex: Changing cell phones if OW calls back (which she has done). It is a work cell phone and H (who plans to quit this job soon) said back before Christmas that he would change the cell if OW called back (she has done that over 12 times!!). [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Yet he has not changed it. I occasionally bring it up. He angry response is, well I could just give her my new number. My response (tongue in cheek) "Yes dear, and you know where you won't be living." <p>So you may eventually have to get to that point but right now, know that you are in for a ride. You can choose to go with every word and breathe from her mouth or just step back and wait to match the actions to the words. <p>Stew on this thought for a while then let us know your thoughts. <p>Take Care,
L.

You are right. It is very hard to be the one holding things together. I could not handle that up front and that is why Steve H. had be move to Plan B. For me, I think that was for the best. It gave me time to pull myself together and become stronger. <p>I will be completely honest with you, there were times during Plan B that I had given up on the M. I was actually planning to go see a lawyer the first week of January this year. I ran into my WH at the mall in late October and from there little by little things started. He started seeing changes. There are the obvious ones like the weight, the new clothes, the tan, the new hair style and the makeup, but there were also the not so obvious. The physical ones got his attention and now he seems to be noticing the other changes as well. The first move he actually made was calling to see if he could come over a see the dogs. That was the week of Thanksgiving. From there he offered to come over and help me rake leaves, then to help me re-finish the hardwood floors in our house. That should have been a job we could get done in one week, two tops. However, six weeks later after several movies, several naps and dinners we finally finished the floors last week. We spent about a month doing things together until one night I asked him why he was coming around. At first he tried to tell me it had been my idea, but it did not take him long to remember that he was the one who wanted to "see the dogs". He told me that he had seen so many changes and he liked them and he knew the marriage was an option to him and he wanted spend time with me to see if that was his best option. Well the other "option" must not be all it was cracked up to be or he would not be looking at this one. I just plan a until he decides it should be the only option or I decide that I have had enough of the fence sitting. But considering that from 10 months ago up until about 2 months ago he was so far on the other side of the fence, on the fence is not such a bad thing. <p>I got to a place that I know I would be OK no matter what the outcome and I think that has allowed me to do a better plan a. I have made some minor mistakes, but funny thing about it is when I have a slight setback he talks me through it. That has happened twice in the past six weeks. The last time he told me after the talk that he was so tired that he almost did not come see me that night, but when he realized I was upset and needed to talk he stayed to talk to me because he did not want me to be upset. That meant a lot to me and told me how much he cares.<p>Sorry that I have started to ramble. I had a point in the beginning and that was that it is very hard to be the one to hold things together, but the way I llok at it if things do not work out for the marriage, I will never have to look back and say that I did not do everything within my power to save the marriage and I also try to remember that God promised to never give us anything more than we could handle so he must really have faith in us that we can deal with this.