Attention MBers!<p>I've been doing some serious soul-searching recently. I've come to realize that a) my changes are apparent to WW, b) my feelings for WW are starting to change, and c) she is showing no signs of getting off the fence. To me, this speaks to the need for Plan B.<p>Now, as a refresher, WW is still at home. She's pretty darn scared, I think, about leaving. She knows OM is risky - says she doesn't trust either of us. She is in cake-mode right now, getting all needs met by both of us. We've been in IC (same counselor), and a couple of joint MC sessions (which have been "difficult" to say the least). Being that her A is still on, I'm not surprised by that fact.<p>I've started to pull back from her quite a bit recently. I've done this because I'm having trouble Plan A'ing like I was before. My conundrum is this: her still being here and showing many signs of "not wanting to go", yet being so addicted to OM - Plan B out-of-the-blue seems possibly excessive. Thinking about Cali's recently posted letter, I came up with something of a "pre Plan B letter" myself. I tried to focus on "I" statements, using some of SnL's comments. I've also tried to very clearly "open the cage door", and show that I am prepared to move on.<p>What do yall think? I'm ready for this... not prepared to go on like this forever, yet I think she would...<p>---------<p>Hi (WW),<p>How are you? I hope your day's going well so far.<p>Anyhow, I just wanted to say a couple of things, re you asking me if I've been avoiding you.<p>Thinking about it more, maybe I have, but not to hurt you, or imply that I don't care; if anything, it's a gut reaction - defensiveness kicking in - I don't think I can help that as a human being. Asking myself why, I come back to possibly our last counseling session together where you were so visibly upset.<p>Along those lines, I don't really feel personally that us going to see (MC) together is buying us much right now - without commitment to use her constructively (as you yourself admitted), I honestly don't perceive much value. What do you think? That isn't to say anything negative about her or going as individuals to improve ourselves. I feel I've benefited myself anyway.<p>Please keep in mind that I have tried my best to demonstrate my willingness to be a good husband for you, and do the things important to both of us to make us both happy. So needless to say, I'm disheartened by our situation. Right now, all I feel like I can say is I simply want to do better and move forward one way or another.<p>And along those lines, my initiating any "relationship talk", or writing yet more letters and such is only making me feel worse. If you on the other hand feel that you want to talk about ANYTHING, feel free to do so with me, okay? I may not be as physically available, but will make time for you, (W). Frankly, I'd love to talk, talk, talk - about positives, about fun things, and about the future. I've got a lot to say.<p>One small thing I will say, since I don't think I've already said it, although probably implied it. That being: I can only guess at the pain you'd have to endure to end your relationship, but I will do whatever I can to help you, if you choose that.<p>Some of what I'm going through, I think, is mentally preparing myself to move on without you. That doesn't mean I don't want to be your husband and friend - but I also understand that just might not happen. And I have come to see things differently, maybe, over the last few weeks. That I am a capable person, able to live a good life either by myself or with a partner, and much is around the corner for me.<p>I really don't want to be married to someone "just because", or out of fear, especially not in an environment where one partner continues to see someone else. I've expected more than that in my life all along. I've also expected to have to work for it, and that's something I've failed to do effectively, but understand much better now.<p>You said once, "I want it all." Well, I want it all too. So where to go from here?<p>You said recently that even though you're at work, you're thinking about me. I can certainly say the same about you too, (W).<p>J.R.<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

IMO, moving to Plan B is a slow and painful process, as it should be. Making this kind of choice should not be made quickly or with a lot of emotion. In a way, it should be made without any emotion, and only after a lot of rational thought and heart-wrenching soul searching. This way, you know that you made the best choice possible given the current situation.<p>I only considered Plan B in the last few weeks so I know I am not 100% ready to implement it. There are a lot of things that I need to do within myself before this happens. Lately, I have been distancing myself from W and not even thinking about where the M is going, basically putting it out of my mind and living my life the best that I can. I think that is a pretty good indication that Plan B is coming.<p>My only regret is that WS has not acknowledged my improvements in Plan A. It would be nice to hear the woman you devoted your life to tell you that you have become a better person, but it is her choice to not see this. I guess I can never compete with the allure of 'Mr Loser', which by the way, is fine with me.<p>Wish I could give you some thoughts on your letter, but I don't feel like I am an expert in this area, yet.

Ha! Here I am replying to my own post...<p>I think this was a good exercise... but I won't give it to her... As others have said, I don't need to telegraph my volatile state of emotions to her. I don't need to come across as being weak, even though I'm trying to sound strong. Real strength and confidence is demonstrated by actions - something I plan on doing.<p>Has anyone had experience with the Last Resort Technique, using it just prior to Plan B? How about doing it while living together?? Dobson also talks about a "change in attitude" prior to the "crisis" event - sounds consistent. The main reason I ask is that I think it's about all I can muster right now - a really good Plan A is something I've done for nearly 5 months now, and I'm pretty much spent. (I might be able to continue if I had a month or two "off" in Hawaii [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Opened a bank account for myself today. Another one of those little Plan B logistic things. Hated sitting there doing it, felt like a traitor or something. But what else can I do? She made the choices, I take the action.