I hope I'm not putting the cart before the horse, but WH did come home for lunch today. While he was here the priest that he wanted to talk with called back (they've been playing phone tag). He has an appointment to meet with him on Monday. OW is not very happy that he wants to talk to a priest. WH is also going to work out and then go to dinner with his best friend on Friday Night (OW does not like this friend at all). Then Saturday, WH will be home with me, alone. The kids have a sleepover birthday party to go to. He is telling her that I will not be home at all and that only two kids are going to the party. It feels like I have become the OW as he is lying to her to be with me. He has told me that he is working on the No Contact letter and that maybe we could go over it Saturday Night. Since Tuesday, he has been saying that he wants to come home, just doesn't know how to do it. He said that since he hasn't been truthful with her on how he feels about me and how much he has been seeing me and talking to me, that it will be like a rock hitting her. Gee, I think I felt that way around October 1.<p>Unfortunately, one of the things I love most about him, his great compassion for people, is what seems to be delaying his coming home. He doesn't know how to do it without hurting her. Then he also says, what if she says "I'm not giving up", which we both know she will. He just is not a mean person, he can't even hang up on a telemarketer.<p>Like I said, he's not 100% sure about coming home yet, but he's almost there. I want to be prepared for how to handle things from Day One, so if any of you have some suggestions on what to do or what not to do, I'd really appreciate it.

hurting,
That must be a terrible position to be in. I really feel for you. I see you are only a few months into this nightmare so I know it's really still somethimg that seems to be uncontrollable. Look at what you wrote though, that your H has a "great compassion for people" now look at your sig file:
4 children (4-12)
ws left 8/20/01
came home 10/3/01
left again 11/01/01
came home 11/22/01
left again 1/4/02<p>Where's the compassion? See what I mean is that we get so many conflicting feelings in those first months, that we don't see things clearly and we make mistakes. I was suffering terribly after dday discovering this lie, and that till I read "Love Must be Tough" I set up some boundaries. I told my W firmly that I didn't believe she had told the truth, and I would not let up on her till she did. Well, it wasn't long before she cracked, confessed everything, and sought help. I don't believe we'd be together today if I had not gotten real firm. <p>I really think you might get a lot out of that book. It's a different approach than a plan A for sure, but it's necessary, I think, when there are recurring patterns like I see in your story. With all due respect to the fact that it's your H who puts you in this position, I think you make a mistake in allowing contact with him that he lies to the OW about. Actually, to be frank, I would not have any contact at all as long as the A continued. After the ping-pong-ball act he's already pulled on you it should be clear that he's playing one off against the other. I wouldn't play along.
David

Hurting,<p>This is not all bad news AT ALL.<p>Harley states in one or even two of his books that once the WS starts lying to the OP, the entire dynamics can change in the triangle. This revelation can definitely work in your favor. Leverage it.<p>Jo