I also have this posted on the D/D board but wanted to share and get some input from this board too since so many of you have helped me along the way. If this comes out as a double post on this board I am sorry. It appeared to post but I can't find it so I am trying again.<p>I haven&#8217;t posted an update in a while because my situation has been stagnant for so long that there was really nothing to post. My H and I have had a remarkable breakthrough last night that I wanted to share with you all and to get even more guidance and inspiration to keep me/us on-track. I will try to keep this as short as possible but I am so excited at the turn of events that I need to share with all who have been helping me along the way.<p>Let me first start off by saying that the manner in which we came to our breakthrough was not the path that anyone should take. After being in a &#8220;stalemate&#8221; with my H for so long, I fell off my Plan A the last couple of days and became the LB Queen. I can honestly say that I said some pretty horrible things and made some of the most disrespectful judgments that I couldn&#8217;t blame my husband for wanting to divorce me. It was like Satan had taken over my tongue. Well after LB&#8217;ing for two days straight, my H finally told me on the phone yesterday that he has had it, that I win because I finally broke him down and he wants a DIVORCE and that there is no way shape or form that we will ever be able to work this marriage out. Well this was devastating to me but since I knew the way I acted was totally unfair and things I said were so hurtful, I did not blame him and told him fine, if Divorce is what he wanted then I will file right away so we can get over this. He said he would come over that night and we would discuss what would need to happen to start the Divorce proceedings.<p>Now let&#8217;s skip to last night. I arranged for the kids to be out of the house so he and I can go over what our grim future had to offer. When he got there, there was small chit chat and the atmosphere was very calm. He then started the relationship talk with &#8220;I don&#8217;t want a divorce Michele but we have got to quit doing this to each other&#8221;. We had a two hour conversation with no fighting at all. I told him what I felt was the breakdown of our marriage over the last year and he then proceeded with what he felt was the breakdown and where we went wrong. While a lot of it pointed back to things he was doing wrong, he actually agreed that he could see how I became so negative towards him and our relationship over the year and I could also see what I was doing to cause him to act the way he was and why he didn't want me around anymore. We both were able to finally see how destructive we had become to each other. Sparing you all of the gory details of what our paths of destruction were, we realized during this conversation how each of us shared a part in this and what we needed to do next. We both agreed that marriage is a 50/50 partnership and we need to work at this together instead of trying to 1-up each other on who did what to whom. He agreed he needs to start spending more time with me and the kids and I agreed that I need to not be so negative and become more supportive of him.<p>My H is also dealing with a lot of problems from his childhood that have finally reared their ugly heads once we started having problems. His parents marriage was not the best in the world and he saw them fight on a daily basis and sometimes it was physical fighting between his parents. While his parents are still married 40 years later, the things he saw as a child started coming back out when we started having our problems. I explained to him in our conversation last night the I could never understand what he went through being raised in that type of environment and that I could not be the one to help him through that but that I could only stand by his side and help him through the tough spots. At times through our marriage he would hold it against me because my parents have a great marriage and he resented me for that because my family was a true family and did and shared everything together.<p>By the end of our conversation, we both agreed that we could still have a wonderful marriage and be the couple that everyone admired in the past. I do think the biggest breakthrough in our whole conversation was when my H admitted that he needed to get into counseling to help him deal with all of his inner demons and to find out why he is so angry. To hear him finally say that he needed help from a third party made me cry because he is so against counseling. For the first time during our 6 month separation, he was able to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay and that we can do this together. While there is still no talk of when he is moving home, that really isn&#8217;t my top priority right now. As much as I miss him being there, what I miss most is the happy, strong man that I married 6 years ago and I want to help him to heal and me to heal so we can both heal together.<p>If anyone out there has any suggestions for anger-management books for my husband, that would be great.<p>I hope I have not bored you all with my long winded post and there is so much more of the conversation that took place but I really wanted to share with all that have helped me so much along the way. <p>As always, any input is always welcome.<p>Hugs & Prayers from So. Cal.<p>Michele<p>P.S. JL - You were right, he would come to me and talk relationship when he was ready. However, I did not go about it the right way.

Have you thought about the counselors at MB? You may want to give it a try to at least start you both on a plan for recovery?<p>Just make sure whoever you get for anger management believes in marriage, so that your H is getting good advice.<p>Sometimes the there are anger management classes offered by your local commuity organizations or churchs. <p>Great news! K

Michele,<p>Well, you may have done it the wrong way, but it seems to have worked. I do hope he gets to a counselor about the anger. In someways I would suggest you find a few, but really he has to do it himself. If he asks you to help then help find a good one.<p>I would also recommend that you figure out how to address some of your LB's. I don't know what you said, but you described them as terrible so my bet they will stick with him. I am not sure when you should start to address them, but probably when he makes contact with you. Perhaps an apology, but maybe via actions depending on what the LB really was.<p>In any event, I am glad things are sort of moving to rebuilding. You two wouldn't be married if there weren't more good things than bad in the relationship. It is just hard to see them sometimes.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL - Thanks for the reply. I do know that the way I finally got him to open up was by no means any way anyone should go about it but it did work. My intent was not to break my husband down like I did over the past two days and I will be sorry for that for a while. I have apologized to him several times for the remarks I made and I can and will not post them here because I am too embarassed by what I said. I WAS VERY WRONG and I can guaranty that it will never be said again.<p>The pouring out of emotions that he finally was able to express last night was amazing. For the first time in all of this, he finally got it. He!!, I finally got it too.<p>As far as finding a good counselor for him, I will help him if he wants me to. I am not going to push the issue and I was thinking of trying to start him off with a good book on anger first.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> In any event, I am glad things are sort of moving to rebuilding. You two wouldn't be married if there weren't more good things than bad in the relationship. It is just hard to see them sometimes. <hr></blockquote><p>A lot of our conversation was about all of the good things in the marriage that we just FORGOT about and were only continuing to focus on the bad over the last year. The good times well outweigh the bad.<p>I will keep you posted as to our progress. Thanks again for all of your support and input.<p>Hugs & Prayers from So. Cal.<p>Michele<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: sballplyr ]</p>