D is coming... I'm not fighting it anymore... we agreed on the settlement issues, so it's just a matter of signing and finalizing - within the next 2 weeks. <p>Dumb question: How long do I continue Plan B? Forever? He had expressed desire a while back to remain friends after D. I told him I couldn't do that. (no kids, remember) He's turned his back on my family completely, and his family lives 3 states away. Soooo, I don't know that we will have much need for contact in the future... but there will be some... (taxes, odds and ends here and there... blah blah)... SHouldn't I continue Plan B for my protection? (Plan B letter given on Dec. 19.) We have only minimally communicated by e-mail, on D issues. He hasn't complained, nor has he attempted any other contact. (ugh, that kinda hurts, ya know??) <p>Question #2: What about a final love letter kinda thing to give him on D day? I would like to, but I don't know how this will come across. Not as a begging or pleading for him or anything, but simply "I love you, and thank you for our life together" kinda thing. I have also been thinking of making a scrapbook for him with pics and memories of our life together... just to sorta close this. <p>I'm trying to wean myself gradually over to the D/D board, but it's difficult, and I'm so comfortable here with you GQII buddies. These may be questions to ask over on D/D, but I wanted your opinions.<p>Thanks!

I think it depends upon when the D is going through. You may have more luck posting on the divorce board - but Plan B at least until the divorce is final is probably the norm. After that you have separate lives and you can keep him away legally if you want to. <p>There is really no downside to Plan A after that because then you will continue to lose love for him and that is probably what you want at that point.<p>Any love letter for D-Day will probably mean as much as the Plan B letter until he comes out of the fog - but if it helps you then do it, but just expect him to read it or read it and come back because it probably won't happen. K

Faith,<p>I truly understand where you are coming from if that is any help whatsoever.<p>Personally, I don't think it matters much after the Dreaded D what plan you are in, (Haven't been there yet so am not sure)I did put a scrapbook/photo album together for WH when we seperated (actually gave it to him fathers day) it was pic of him with each of the kids at about the same edge, only 1 or 2 family ones. Gave him another book with pic of him and his family. Never said thank you or acknowledged the time I put into the project.<p>WH can't file till Feb 18th, has already sent the intial settlement type paper work, don't plan on sending it back or acknowledging that I got it til the 19th.<p>I am so sorry that your WH did not come out of the fog and realise what he will be missing. I do hope that someday you will find some great guy that does appreciate you for the warm, fun, caring, loving person that we know you are.<p>Dawn

I had an idea similar to yours....not a scrap book but a letter with a list of some of the great times that we have had together. H left in Aug.....living with other woman...hardly sees his teenage sons....blah, blah...he said that he didn't love me anymore....one day I asked what exactly it was that he didn't love. He said he had a laundry list...amd he really wanted to take the high road! A man has an A and he wants to take the high road????? Anyway, I thought I would give him my laundry lists of good times...because you see, unless I am wrong...he thought of this laundry list as an excuse to have his affair. I'm not sure if I am right on this...but it is what I think. I am so sick of all of this stuff...the divorce papers...negotiating...dealing with all of the hurt.
I am going to give him my "list" on the dreaded divorce day....I am sure that it will make him feel like cr*p.....but it will never change anything anymore.
MAx

thanks for your responses. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Sometimes we all get in our own fog and things don't make sense. You advice reeeaaallllyy helps me think. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyone else? Continue Plan B as long as necessary to feel safe? Will a love letter on D day seem weak or manipulative?

Faith,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Dumb question: How long do I continue Plan B? Forever? He had expressed desire a while back to remain friends after D. I told him I couldn't do that. <hr></blockquote><p> D, first of all there are no dumb questions here, ya know that. Secondly, do whatever you feel in your heart is the right thing to do concerning Plan B. If you feel like you can remain friendly with Jim, do so. Just do it not expecting a change in him. Do it because you want to be just that, friends. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Question #2: What about a final love letter kinda thing to give him on D day? I would like to, but I don't know how this will come across. Not as a begging or pleading for him or anything, but simply "I love you, and thank you for our life together" kinda thing. <p>I have also been thinking of making a scrapbook for him with pics and memories of our life together... just to sorta close this. <hr></blockquote><p> I see nothing wrong with the type of letter you want to give. At this juncture what can it hurt? Especially if you are considering remaining friends? Others may disagree.<p> As for the scrapbook....sorry. While it would make you feel good, it would likely end up in the trash. OW would not allow him to keep it for long, if at all. Here again, it is a choice for you to make. What happens with the letter and scrapbook after you deliver them is in H and OW control. <p> Lastly D, don't you leave us here on GQII. We won't mind you visiting D/D, but ya better not forget us....hehe.<p> Wishing you nothing but the best.<p> jd

I vote no on the letter and the scrapbook. The relationship and the precious memories that go along with it are special and cherishable to you only right now, so let all that remain with the person who assigns value to those things: You.<p>When I went through my divorce, I appointed myself caretaker of EVERYTHING to do with the M. He would have just thrown it all away, but I knew all the love letters, films, videos, pictures, mementoes, would be vital for my children to understand where they came from since their family didn't exist anymore. It was very important for me to see my parents' wedding pictures and other keepsakes of their M to validate my reason for existence, that I wasn't some kind of error or mistake.<p>Even though you do not have children of this union, it seems to me that with where he is at right now, you could accomplish the same thing by flushing those precious things down the toilet. Don't waste your time, energy, and emotion where it is not appreciated. Maybe someday he'll be receptive to something like that, but now sure doesn't seem to be the time.<p>Keep your dignity and let go. Have contact only when necessary and keep it on a business level. If he ever tries to take it to another level, make sure he remains the pursuer. If you haven't read Carol's story, now would be a good time.<p>Hoping for the best for you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Faith1:
<strong> He had expressed desire a while back to remain friends after D. I told him I couldn't do that.
Question #2: What about a final love letter kinda thing to give him on D day? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hey, Lil Sis. I'm sorry to hear this is where you are so soon....I supposed I'm right behind you, and headed the same way. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What I have thought about as regards to a letter as you have described is that "What HAVE you got to lose?" I intend to do one, if we get to this point....<p>I think if it makes you feel better, and helps YOU heal, then DO IT!! Everything he has done has been what HE has wanted. SO what if all he does is read it and THROW IT AWAY? If it makes YOU feel better then, do it! I definitely WOULD NOT give it to him prior to Big D day, since in that case, it WOULD make you appear weak and manipulative.<p>Secondly, I WOULD NOT make him a scrapbook of pics, mementos, etc. THAT would certainly NOT be appreciated. If it makes YOU feel better, make one for yourself, and lay it out on the coffee table, or something like that.<p>Lots of love and prayers coming your way, Sis. I am SO sorry for all this you have gone through. I really am praying he comes around before it's too late.