I am helping my wife to write the no contact letter to her om and found some ideas as to what should be in it but nothing solid. Is there an example in here somewhere so I can be sure nothing is left out and that nothing that shouldn't be in it is in it? Thanks in advance. I'm sure somebody has this answer.

SAA has a sample and a direction ...

Hi SD!!!<p>Your W needs to write the letter. Your job is to look it over and make sure it has all the major points without being too critical.<p>Do you have SAA? The stuff that was important to me were:<p>-That WS knew my H loved me
-That my H asked for no contact
-That WS knew my H was committed to working on our marriage
-That the letter showed no emotion or positive feelings toward WS<p>I actually say these things from experience. My H and I worked on his letter, it was so long, and we couldn't agree, he didn't like that, but I thought it was important. Argue, argue - finally, I just told him this is what I need (the points above), write it however you want when you are ready.<p>(of course, I secretly hoped he bashed OW and said all these wonderful things about me and our marriage, but it wasn't mandatory).<p>Anyway, he did write it. One day he was at the PC, called me over and showed me the email he wanted to send OW, I gave my okay - then he blocked her from writing back.<p>Total shock cuz' I had no clue what he was doing at the time. I just took a step back for a while and let him take care of it, and he did - his way.<p>It was short, quick, and simple, but meant more than anything we could have written together. Because HE chose to do it, in his own words. He was serious about it, not just going along with what I wanted.<p>It said something like:<p>OW, I want you to know that I love my wife dearly. I want to try and make up for all the pain I caused her and our children. In order to do this, I must insist that you never contact me again.<p>He didn't even sign it.<p>As long as it meets your minimum requirements, don't get hung up on it.<p>I can't stress how important it is that she take responsibility for doing this.<p>It is okay to suggest and state what your minimum requirements are, but not to get involved in the actual writing/wording of it.<p>It's not the end of the world if you do help write it, it just doesn't really show the commitment it is meant to, know what I mean??<p>HbH

Here's some advice from Steve Harley (cut and pasted from How Affairs Should End):<p>My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. <p>Peace, ~Marie

Sad Dad,<p>Just came across your post. We're in MB counseling with Jennifer (Harley) Chalmers. D-day was Dec 3. I have a post in JFO. Anyway, Jenn recommended the letter be almost verbatum what is written in SAA. They have developed this for the reasons given. She had us add one line on the end saying I (husband) would know everything about the affair, and if OM tried to contact my wife. Here's the letter. I've taken out the names and replaced them with labels.<p>(OM),<p>I want you to know that out of respect and love for (husband - BS) and (daughter), I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (husband) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (husband)for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me or my family. (Husband) is going to know everything. I will tell him if you contact me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.<p>Sincerely,<p>(Wife - WS)

SD, I agree that the letter persistant posted is the best way to go if your wife agrees to it.<p>But, if your W won't agree to send a letter written in someone else's words (I don't know your wife, but this is the way many WS's view it)., there are other alternatives.<p>I am not trying to go over Jenn and Steve (please, they are awesome and I have no desires to do this). Their way is the best, but sometimes you have to adjust it accordingly to fit your situation. Feel free to talk to them...<p>Also, as weird as this may sound, many of the OS know the way your S writes and if this clashes with their writing-style, many OS will just think the H or W sent it and try to contact anyway... <p>I know many, many examples of people in recovery, or that have recovered w/o giving that exact no contact letter. (I even know some where there wasn't any no contact letter, but I would not recommend that).<p>But, hopefully none of this will matter cuz' your wife will simply agree to send the letter from SAA. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Let us know what you decide!!! (Don't get too down on yourself if it takes your W a while to send this... It's hard for a WS to do, you should have a reasonable time limit, but not expect it tomorrow either)...<p>Good luck!!!
HbH