I got home from my trip last night. Spent the week feeling as though I needed to focus on my wife and family. Wife has been sick and was in bed when I got home.<p>I went on the computer to check my e-mail. While there, I could not resist the temptation to open her AIM Instant Messenger. I saw OW on-line. This set me back two months!<p>I told my wife how this made me feel and she staunchly defended her right to protect her interest to see if OW and I were still together. I asked how she could tell by tracking OW. She then started questioning whether OW and I were back together (we are not). She questioned me why I opened the IM. I told her I have no good reason, but curiosity got the best of me. She said she would eliminate OW screen name for AIM, but not her AOL account. I told her she doesnt understand what it does to me when I walk by the computer and see OW's name on-line.<p>I am trying to recover, but this is a big setback. It made me want to IM OW, made me want to call her. This after so much time working on getting OW off of my mind.<p>Where am I wrong? Why does wife have the right to track OW, esp. when seeing her on-line has such an effect on me. Can someone answer this for me?

Yes, your wife has the right to tack OW. She needs to know that you are not seeing her. This is one of the things that makes her feel safe. Just ask her to do it in a way that keeps you from seeing the name.<p>What are the things you are doing to prove to your wife that you are not involved with OW? <p>Did you tell your wife about the present? About the phone calls? She knows there is more. You need to be very very open with her.<p>[ January 25, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Hi Marshall,<p>Yes, your wife has the right to track the OW online. As Zorweb says, just tell your wife how seeing the OW online makes you feel, and ask her to keep that information away from you.<p>She needs to feel safe. She needs to know that there are no more lies. She doesn't trust you or the OW to tell her the truth...she's got to verify what you tell her independently.<p>This won't always be the case - IF - you do what is necessary to show her that her protection is your priority, and that you are committed to the practice of radical honesty.

Marshell,<p>Let's face it. You are not telling your wife the entire story. You are not telling her of the most recent contacts. She is not stupid, her gut can tell that you are hiding stuff from her. That is why she is still tracking you.<p>And she does not really trust her gut anymore because she trusted you for so long. She saw signs and ignored them because of this trust. She now knows that you are capable of lying to do whatever it is your please and not take her interests in mind. So, what do you expect her to do? Trust you blindly now? She'd be a fool to do that.<p>And if the tables were turned, you'd fell the same way. Want to give you some food for thought here... while you are all caught up in your affair, your feelings, etc. you are pushing your wife further and further away. What thought and concern have you given to your wife and her feelings? Quite wollowing in your own missery and look at your wife and what she is going through. The best way to get over our own pain is to take concern in someone else's pain.<p>Did you know that most BS eventually have an affair of their own? Do you really think that your wife is going to spend her life trying to keep you. She is trying to find out if it's worth her while to spend one more day with you. Give her a reason to do that or she will fall out of love with you. You will then have lost her. Did you not once love her enough to marry her? Find that love for her again, it's there in your heart. <p>Any one individual does not cause love to grow in us. Love is something we all have. Like a flashlight, we simply choose the object to shine it on. So turn the focus of your love from OW to your wife. If your treat her with love, you will once again fall 'in-love' with her.

Marshall,<p>I agree with you that your W should not be tracking the OW. Two reasons come to mind.<p>1) Your W needs to work on your M, not be obsessed with the OW. She needs to turn her focus elsewhere. A place she actually has power. That is to you and your M. Have you two discussed what you can do to help her trust you? What does she need? She needs to come up with things you can do to prove you are being faithful. Stalking the OW is not going to get her anywhere in my opinion. BTW, I was a BS years ago, so I have been through this.<p>2) In my opinion, your W is putting you through a hell you should not have to go through. Clearly, it is hard enough for you to turn your focus onto your W and she is derailing it. You are not made of steel. She should be very cautious what she is tempting you with.<p>Sit her down and have a heart to heart. Ask her to give you a list of things you can do to earn her trust back.<p>(((MARSHAL)))

This was something I did also...and it WAS because I KNEW there was stuff happening that I didn't know about. And there was...after d day for about 3 more months.<p>I actually spoke to her a few times in my H's presence. He didn't like it but it was something I needed to do.<p>Your W needs to feel safe...and it's your job to help her. NOt to focus on your own pain but on your W's.<p>I had a big meltdown last week and last night in C, my H said that it is just NOW that he truly realizes and understands the depth of what he destroyed. And this is 18 months after d day...It will hit you,someday and I hope you can look back on your own behavior ,NOW, and be glad you were doing the right thing for your M. My H is not...

AMAZED is right in that in the best of all possible worlds, you wife would not feel a need to keep track of OW. There will, hopefully come a day when she feels safe. And there is always the slaking issue.<p>Watching people on line is rather harmless. That is how I discovered my H’s affairs. It worked for me. The problem would be if your wife took it further to threatening behavior. You wife may want to email, call, or IM the OW. That is also her right. OW intruded in her marriage.<p>Again, the only reason your wife is doing this is because she senses that you are not telling her the truth. And you are not. What do you expect her to do?<p>[ January 26, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Marshall59, <p>Please tell us, is Marsha59 on gloryB your OW? I saw that post over there too and immediately made connection. We have all given you time and support out of the goodness of our hearts. Please be respectful enough of us to let us know what is up.<p>According to her post on gloryB she saw your posts here and contacted you. Is this true? Perhaps it would be a very good thing if you let your wife be involved in all of your internet activity.<p>No wonder you are concerned about her tracking the OW. There is plenty to find out.

<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Faith Ann ]</p>