A few days ago I found several love letters from my old girlfriend that I have kept for more than 20 years now. She lives in France. Parlez-vous francais? Oui. No not really. Anyway the last time I talked to her was when I told her that I was getting married. It must have hurt her so bad at that time and I have not had any contact with her ever since. So, I went ahead and read some of these letters and now I just couldn&#8217;t get her out of my mind. I even searched for some of her pictures that she sent to me during our courtship. <p>Last night, before I fell asleep I thought about her and wondered where she is, what she is doing, or whether she is still single or married. Could it be that she&#8217;s still thinking about me? Somehow, I have a gut feeling that someone is thinking about me.<p>I even thought about what my life would have been like if I were to marry her. And on and on&#8230;<p>Am I nuts to think about this? What am I doing? Am I falling out of love from my wife? <p>Oh well, just thinking out loud.<p>[ January 25, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

I don't know if you are falling OUT of love... but you are doing what many of us BSs are doing... especially after a LOOONNNNGGGG plan A... you are looking for someone to meet your emotional needs...<p>ME too... I think that means it is time for plan b and for you to protect your vulnerabilities... <p>if you don't you may find out how easy it is to have an EA.... followed by PA? <p>Protect yourself OOOO... I know I am trying to....
I have told a couple of women who pray w/ me to help me... when I feel that way, I talk to them and they help me... smack me into reality...<p>Cali

OOOO,
Don't EVEN look her up. I don't really know your story. But to look up your old girlfriend is only asking for trouble. <p>Believe me, I know. I was contacted by my old boyfriend last spring and that is who I had my A with. He wanted to appologize for the way that he broke up with me also. Thought it would give him some closure. Well, the old feelings came rushing back sooo fast. I can't even begin to tell you. Old loves should remain in our past. If you contact her, you don't know what kind of turmoil you could put her through. My old boyfriend was not happy in his marriage either...I was. But still, the old feelings for me were still there, and hearing from him again brought them to the surface...BIG TIME. And before I knew it, I was in love with him all over again. And the ball kept rolling from there. It was the most painful time of my life. <p>As you can tell. I am so against something like this. You are going to do whatever you want to do. But, please, take into consideration, her feelings and her emotional well being. It might just tear her up. It did me!<p>Take Care!
1step

Ditto Cali<p>Plus---it ain't fair to the old girlfriend...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Elad:
<strong>Ditto Cali<p>Plus---it ain't fair to the old girlfriend...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I agree, <p>nag, nag, nag about you know what.....<p>or call Wat & have that drink he is always wanting the two of you to have

1st - throw away all old love letters from exgirlfriend
2nd - throw away all old pictures of exgirlfriends<p>I'm sorry your here and your hurting. If you want to give your marriage a chance you have to get rid of the passed. I am surprised you still have these. I think it is in times like these that we can emphathize with our WS in that it is soooo easy to get caught up. The difference is you reached out for help where the WS just acted on those feelings and went for it.

one step.... My old boyfriend was not happy in his marriage either...I was. But still, the old feelings for me were still there, and hearing from him again brought them to the surface...BIG TIME. And before I knew it, I was in love with him all over again. And the ball kept rolling from there. It was the most painful time of my life. <p>snl...I find this incomprehensible. How could you possibly be in-love and happy with your husband and just wander off with a stranger (ex bf or not)? I am assuming you are not a sex addict, therefore there must be something seriously wrong with your M, are you in some sort of denial re marital unhappiness? Or did you possibly marry your H onm the rebound from old bf, and never actually were in-love with H? Anyways, something does not make sense in what you said.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>snl...I find this incomprehensible. How could you possibly be in-love and happy with your husband and just wander off with a stranger (ex bf or not)? I am assuming you are not a sex addict, therefore there must be something seriously wrong with your M, are you in some sort of denial re marital unhappiness? Or did you possibly marry your H onm the rebound from old bf, and never actually were in-love with H? Anyways, something does not make sense in what you said.
<hr></blockquote><p>SNL,
No, I am NOT a sex addict. No, I am NOT in denial about anything. I AM in love with my H. My marriage is recovering quite nicely, thank you very much! And the only person that I have to answer to is my H. And he has forgiven me, and that's what counts.<p>What I meant to say, and maybe I didn't say it quite clearly enough. Is that old feelings, especially those that have to do with past love relationships, (BTW,I was only 19 at the time)are still there for a lot of us. I know a lot of people that still have fond memories of first loves. I did. But I was going through a lot of changes in my life at the time that I was contacted by this person, and I was vulnerable. I know that is no excuse, but it happened. <p>Anyhow, there are people out there that try to find lost loves. And it can stir up all of the old feelings and cause a great deal of confusion, especially for the person who was contacted. What I am saying is that why stir up a hornets nest? Leave those people in the past, and don't involve them. <p>I'm sorry, I'm a little upset. But if I can help someone else from making the same mistake I did then I will offer my opinion. I'm almost sorry I did (offer my opinion)!

1stepatatime,
keep sharing your heart - don't be sorry you did.

OOOO,<p>I say keep those mementos. They are priceless. They are your life and you enjoyed that part of it so why get rid of them. Why in the world should you trash them. This was a relationship before your marriage. We aren't talking about an A here. Most mature, secure people would have no problem with you keeping your old love letters and pictures. My H has all of his old flames including ones from his ExW. I have no problem with them. A person is made from their past experiences. This person was part of you becoming you. I think you are acting very normal in regard to thinking about her. The reason is because you are looking for some love and happiness in your life. <p>((((HUGS)))<p>Take care of yourself.<p>[ January 25, 2002: Message edited by: AMAZED ]</p>

1step... please keep sharing.<p>snl.. that was a bit harsh, don't you think?<p>OOOO, I think everyone has pretty much told you waht you already know. Your long Plan A is taking a toll on your love bank anyway, and it's natural to want to be loved and wonder what-ifs. Remember the ex-gf fondly, and then put those memories back in the past where they belong. Those experiences made you who you are today, and you can't change them. But what-ifs will drive you crazy. Stay committed to your marriage, and to Plan A and Plan B. <p>k?<p>Vent to us anytime.. those thoughts are normal... just deal with them ina healthy way.

Faith1 and Notheard,
Thanks, I'm not going anywhere. I may not post here a lot, but I read quite a bit. And it is all very good information. I believe that it is part of the reason that my marriage is rebounding so well. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] But when I see someone headed or thinking about heading towards the same situation I was in, I feel I can offer some insight. And hopefully, keep someone from making the same mistakes that I made.<p>OOOO,
It's okay to think about your old GF. Just don't try to get in touch with her. Past relationships are wonderful, and Amazed it right, they are what shape you into what you are today. But it is best to leave lost loves in our past, they do not belong in today. Don't worry about how badly you hurt her when you broke up with her. I'm sure she is long over it by now.
Take care,
1step

This is why Dr. Harley says that no one should associate with past loves, and also why the relationship with OP in an affair must be totally and irrevocably ended in order for healing to take place. If these romantic feelings have existed before, there is ALWAYS a possibility that they will rekindle. That's why it's recommended that all contact with past loves is ended in the MB materials.

TTF,<p>I agree with you 100%. No matter how hard you try, you can NEVER, "just be friends" with them either. I tried, and it didn't work. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I could go on an on about this subject. That is how passionate I feel about not contacting old loves. <p>Take care everyone, and have a good weekend!
1step

jeez, it was just an honest question arising what one step posted, I do find it incomprehensible (as she portrayed), I don't think affairs just happen, I think they have reasons, and either the individual is dysfunctional in some significant way, or the marriage is seriously dysfunctional...what else is there? Fine, recover and all, and btw onestep I was not commenting on your recovery, just what you said about an old love being dangerous to a truly happy functional marriage, even the hareleys say an affair is impossible when people are in-love. <p>My personal opinion (and plz do not take this about you specifically onestep, I don't know you, are anything about you except this one post), is that people who do this, and then claim they really are in-love with spouse, do so cause the affair did not match up to the fantasy/confusion/fog...NOT cause they suddenly realize they are in-love....they left cause they wanted to, cause they weren't being nurtured, and they come back cause they settle... maybe to become in-love later (an affair is a life-changeing experience). It is interesting how folks often view affairs, just sweep em away as some unexplainable temporary insanity, no need to dig deep into the truth of the marital relationship, just alter some behaviour, meet needs, and live happily ever after....were human behaviour so simple.<p>Anyways, onestep clarified her statement, she was going through a lot of changes (a time that often stresses marriages that are not very well-connected, regardless of why not connected), and the affair revealed to her what she needed to know to make whatever marital decisions she needed and is so doing, successfully I hope, and wish her the best.<p>As for the lost loves thing, guess that advice depends, there are many wonderful stories of lost loves who have found each other again....right? Nothing wrong with it at all, long as you know what you are doing....BUT obviously, while in marital disharmony (or married at all for that matter), I agree that looking up old loves is not a good idea, in fact it is a very BAD idea.<p>Amazed, you are the voice of sanity...it sometimes feels like marriage is supposed to be a concentration camp, solitary confinement, chained to one person for fear you will escape any second....for crying out loud people don't leave happy marriages, or obsess over old mementos in happy marriages....the stuff is not the problem... if you think fondly of someone else, over your spouse the MARRIAGE is the problem, and pretending it is not, or protecting it is absurd, you need to FIX it...and hiding your head in the sand (or throwing away old stuff) is not exactly how you fix anything....but it is pretty good way to avoid facing stuff I guess. IMO the best marriage (and the only way to be married) is to not worry about any of this stuff, and to know you choose each other DESPITE any form of temptation....that's what being in-love is, anything else is emotional ownership of your spousal property.<p>However, one does need to be more "protective" when disharmony is going on, for obvious reasons.<p>[ January 25, 2002: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

SNL,<p>Got too agree with you 100%. Based om my own experience, of course, but if there is a problem in the marriage, then it HAS to be addressed and fixed - otherwise an affair is just a step, (or a friendly conversation!) away.<p>
Mike

geeeee maybe i'll just hang on to those letters from OM? and maybe all those pics i had of US being friends... it is harmless...i dont mean anything by it. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ????????<p>OM comes to MY mind when MY EN are NOT being met...which unfortuneltly is very very often. I see it as a "hideaway" from "reality" when im hurting so bad. NO MORE does it make me want to run to him and leave my H, but it is dangerous infact by "fantacizing" about him.<p>ONOFF, i am not ridiculing u. but u need to see what exactly is happening. i can relate, but it is dangerous. I guess i would have to go and look back at your posts because im not real familiar with your story. HOwever....have u thot of telling your W??<p>Mercy
WS

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your comments/opinions/suggestions.<p>I would like to let you know that I would never get in touch with my old girlfriend and besides, I don&#8217;t even know where she lives (I know she lives in France, but what city?) I could do a search, but what would I gain from it. It was a long time ago that I last talked to her. It just happened that I found those love letters that I have kept for 20 years. Believe it or not, I have also kept my other girlfriends&#8217; love letter as well (I was quite busy back then). Don&#8217;t get me wrong here, I didn&#8217;t have them at the same time. It was one after another. I remember I did make a call to the one in Canada when I visited that region about 16 years ago (a few month before I got engaged). This one was my high school sweetheart and she went to Canada and later broke up with me and got married to a wonderful guy, I guess (I still have her love letters that we exchanged for a while). <p>I guess, like some of you said that I&#8217;m looking for someone to meet my emotional needs and by reading some of those letters might help me feel good about myself. I want to be able to know who I&#8217;m because after almost 16 years of marriage, I don&#8217;t really know who I&#8217;m any more. <p>I know I shouldn&#8217;t read those letters again and I still don&#8217;t know why I have kept them for all these years. Actually, I didn&#8217;t remember that I have saved those letters until I found them.<p>I&#8217;m not so sure if I want to throw them away. They were part of me before I met my wife. Who knows, maybe someday I could write a memoir for my next generation to see. <p>Unless thinking of old girlfriends might regard as an EA, in that case, I might have crossed the line in my head and in my dream.<p>Is this wrong? Should I let my wife know about my private thoughts?<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>