I posted earlier today about some things that my wife said to her girlfriend about our current situation yesterday....
see "Heard wife (WS) phone conversation w one of her friends..I need help.Hurting more now" post<p>The counselor told me last weekend to pick something for the two of us to do and that she told my wife she should do it. This weekend my wife was suppose to pick something for the two of us to do and I should do it. Well last weekend we didn't do anything because my wife doesn't want to be with me. Well she has had all week to plan something for this weekend and she hasn't planned sh@t...
I have been trying for the past several weeks to get my wife to go out and do something with me. Nothing serious just go out. Movie, ice skating, shopping, anything. Well she has shot me down on just about everything. Out of asking her about 30 times she did something only twice with me.
Well a few minutes ago she called me and asked if I wanted to go out with her co-workers tonight. Wow did this piss me off because she blows me off so much but when her single friends come a calling she goes running to them. The worse part in all of this is that my wife still isn't telling me the truth. She plays these games and says so what do you think about going out tonight with them? I am so tired of the games because I know she wants to go out with or without me. The counselor advised me to tell her no I am not going and she can do what she wants. So how do I do this without making any LB's withdraws? My wife doesn't want me out with her because she wants me there. She just wants me there so she doesn't have to feel guilty about her drinking and smoking up with her coworkers. I am so tired. I am so tired of this B.S. I really feel like giving her a piece of my mind.
So what do I do? You ask me f### her coworkers. She wants to spend more time with them going out then she does wanting to work on the marriage. I watch her give her male coworkers more attention in a few hours then I have gotten in the past three months. I can't take that type of abuse any more. I personally don't think I could give her support in this category any more of me going with her out partying with her coworkers. I asked her does she want me to go out with her tonight. She says "oh if you want to come that is ok with me." I am so tired of her not wanting me any more. Do I have "trash" tatooed on my forehead?
I want to quit....Why does any BS diserve this treatment? I never got involved in a relationship to be abused. I honestly can't take much more of this. She broke all contact with the other man back on 11/11/01. However I caught my wife in all of this back on 10/9/01. It may not been as long as some people in plan A. But this feels like I am being dragged through the desert behind the horse my wife is riding....
I am so tired and worn out. I really just want to throw my hands in the air and say I QUIT...

C-G,
I'm assuming you read the great advice you got on your other thread. <p>Plan A is supposed to be more about you than your WS. If your hopes of Plan A are to win her back, you'll probably be disappointed. Plan A is about learning and growing yourself, while preparing for reconciliation, or life without her. Eliminating LB's, and learning about your W's EN's and how to better fill them. Letting a lot of her fog roll off your back.<p>Only YOU know how much you can take. WHen your love for your W is almost gone, then you won't be able to reconcile if she decides to make the effort. So when your love is almost gone, or after you've plan A'd for 6 months and contact with OM continues, you need to consider moving to Plan B. Plan B will protect your remaining love... will protect you from abuse (your W making MAJOR love bank withdrawals from you)... and will give W a taste of life without you in it.<p>Some BS's stay in Plan A a long time - too long - and the "abuse" from their WS's begin to take a major toll.<p>So don't think about "quitting", but possibly think about Plan B.<p>And come here to vent as often as you need.

Suggestions - you could go and be at her side all night long. Engage in conversation with whoever she is talking with, try to be a part of the group. Maybe she doesn't think you're fun to go out with and by doing this you could be meeting an emotional need of hers. <p>If you talk to other women, she also might get jealous.<p>Plan A is about changing you and trying to meet her needs. If this is a need, you may want to try and meet it for a while, and see how it goes.<p>Did your WS every go through withdrawal? Is she still seeing OM and that's why she's not trying? Remember that WS's in A's are selfish and possibley some residual selfishness is hanging on. <p>It sounds like you're trying to create a plan to get the marriage on track and she's resisting.<p>Will she do joint counseling or tell you why she's unhappy specifically. I know it's hard to meed needs when you don't know what they are. Heck she may not know what they are. <p>If you stay in Plan A you will eventually lose all love for WS, so that is the quesiton you need to ask yourself before you go to Plan B - are you going to lose all love for WS and are you ready for the marriage to be over?<p>Try to make this decision when you are not emotional and maybe try and get some ideas from your counselor about how to address these issues with your WS. Take Care. K

Here...this is a kinda brief summary of Plan A/Plan B, and I thought it might be useful...I hope? Anyway, here ya go...<p>"The simplest and most direct solution to affairs is to force an end to all contact with the lover for life, and for the spouse to meet the emotional needs that the lover met. Some of my clients have done just that, and spared themselves untold agony. Many leave the state as the only sure way to avoid contact. That plan would also work for alcohol and drug addiction if there were drug and alcohol free states, but there are none. The availability of addicting substances is everywhere, which makes the temptation too great for most addicts to overcome. <p>But what do you do when your spouse won't leave her lover? What if she won't move to another state? I have recommended two approaches to this problem. <p>The first approach that I often recommend is to compete with the lover. Even as she is seeing the man, try to meet her needs, financially and emotionally. That approach has the advantage of proving that you care more about your wife than her lover does. Since you have more to lose than the lover (your family unit and present way of life), you can usually outlast the lover. He eventually finds someone else with less baggage. <p>The problem with this approach is that it is emotionally draining. You are giving her all you can, and getting very little in return. Besides, most people are totally overwhelmed by the image of their spouses in bed with someone else, and feel more like killing their spouses than meeting their needs. Some can't follow this plan at all and most people can't do it indefinitely. <p>As a compromise, I usually recommend a time limit for this approach, say six months. Then, if no progress is seen during that period of time, switch to my second approach. This plan is described in chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs ("How to Survive an Affair"), and takes the position that marriage is a contract that assumes mutual need fulfillment. When one spouse has an affair, the contract is broken. I recommend that you not only stop meeting your unfaithful spouse's needs, but you should avoid contact with her entirely until she is willing to abandon her lover. When that happens, you return to my first approach, to pull out all the stops and show her that you are willing and able to meet the needs met by her lover. <p>When you begin with the first approach to the problem, and then switch to the second, it has the advantage of your wife remembering you as a thoughtful, caring person right up to the day that you pulled the plug. It is very important for her to know that you really care about her, but you simply can't take the pain of knowing she's with another man. <p>When you first learned about your wife's affair, you were probably very uncaring and disrespectful. You may have criticized her, made disrespectful judgments, and lost your temper. If you leave her after those ugly scenes, all she will remember is what a jerk you are, and she won't be very tempted to come back to you. So you must leave her with proof that you care for her, and that you also respect her judgments and opinions, however painful they are to you at this time."<p>I'm sorry, confused...I know it's hard...believe me, I still feel like such an a$$ for what I put my BS through while the affair was in it's "death throes". At the time, though...I just wasn't seeing it. Your W won't be seeing it...she's still blinded by her own hurt, confusion, and loneliness...she's not in a place where she can reciprocate yet. Good Luck. <p>
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TowardsTheFuture,<p>There is a major problem w/ your opinion,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>The first approach that I often recommend is to compete with the lover. .....</strong><hr></blockquote>
While A is rampant you cann't compete w/ OP. Harley said so. All EN that is met by OP is shut for BS !!!. All you can do is no LB, plan A and wait ... wait who want to get out of 'coaster ride first.<p>Confused_guy,
Hang in there man, one question who is sugesting to refuse to go ?, Harley ?. Doesn't sound like it. You should go with her and access the damage, I know it is hard but you have to do it for research ... unless OM is there. I would draw the line right there. She needs someone to drive her home from drinking, you could refuse to smoke and drink. Vent in here ... but you have to either plan A or plan B ... don't plan C yet, she needs you now than ever.

ROFL and falling out of my chair!<p>That whole response was quoting from Harley himself!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm sorry...that was too funny. I got that whole bit from Harley's "What to do with an unfaithful wife #5" response from this website.<p>Really...I'm amused...that's all...please don't get mad! I'm not this wise!! LOL!!

Confused,<p>Listen to what TowardstheFuture is saying. If D Day was only three months age and no contact just a little over two months age, your wife is still heavy in the "fog" of withdrawal. Believe me, my wife pined for months over her "lost world", blamed me for the loss, didn't want to be with me, went over to her girlfriend's house, and on and on. I threatened divorice several times, raged at her and on and on. Energy uselessly spent, but I know how you feel - there were, and still are occasionaly, times when I just wanted to pull the pin and get the hell out of here.<p>Despite it all, I wanted the marriage to stay together, still loved and love her. So I keep working on it, and low and behold, things are changing, albeit not nearly as fast as I would like, but there is progress.<p>One thing I thought of after reading your other post, if she didn't mention seeing the OM in her conversation with the girlfriend, that means she isn't seeing him - a good sign. Hard as it may be, and believe me I know it is hard, stay cool and positive. It might just work, and if not in the end you will know you tried.<p>TowardsTheFuture, I would love to hear more of your story, as apparently you were the WS and it is really helpful to me to have an understanding of what you went through then and my wife is going through now.<p>Mike

TowardsTheFuture,
You are right [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ... I got this when I ask Steve about competing filling EN that is met by OM and his answer is no since WS will not allows you anyway. I have to "change" me in regard of the issues but not to compete. I am not wise either I am just try to learn around MB. I will ask him again next Friday about Q&A #5. If OM is 6"3' and I am 5"11' where do I compete if WS like tall man ?. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] .

Mike...<p>I'll make you a nice long post within the next day or two, I promise! Right now I'm busy puffing on cigars and watching goofy movies. Look for a post in the next day or two and I'll tell you as much as I can (which isn't much [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] )