Hi,<p>Background:
Plan B started 2/11/01
Plan B letter sent 13/12/01
Saw H only twice during the plan, for SIL's wedding 24/11/01, and once when he dropped off the kids 10/12/01.Plan A'd both occasions.
Used intermediary person for kids visitations.
Have been dealing with H only by text messages and email.<p>So it's well over a month when I last saw H.
I am in a process of moving houses and would be close 200kms away from H. It wasn't so simple, H went mad being so far away from the kids. The strange thing is that early December when this was discussed it was fine for him, but after weeks of plan B and the letter, it's not fine at all!!!
Well, he said it's the boys he's concerned of. He was so angry in his email to me. The next morning he called and asked if we could talk, sounded nice. Plan B out the window and I agreed. H came around, talked about the boys and the moves etc. Plan A'd, offered him a beer, but kept my distance. Originally the upset of moving was about the kids being too far away. Then he said THERE'S NO CHANCE FOR YOU AND I IF YOU GO. THEN IT'S TRULY OVER.
I noticed the looks he gave me, and the need to look into my eyes while talking. Before leaving ,at the door he said: Have you had anyone else yet...are you having a casual relationships..any sex...etc. etc. Really tried digging information.Said I looked tired and like I had been partying... looked somehow different! (IF he just knew what I have been through with plan B and all the withdrawal, depression etc.) I kept my cool, wouldn't say much anything, just laughed, don't know, just found it funny after all. Said there's plenty of nice guys around.(I'm not seeing anyone!) H : Sometimes you don't just see them...and walked away.<p>Now, I don't know whether to stick living closer to him, or keep my original plan of 200kms away. I have got a new place waiting , if I want it.
Is this H 's way of trying to control me or what? SIL has again passed me information of OW and H. She thinks it's over. That's what I have been counting, it's getting close to 2 years between them.And when OW had to be the only one filling H's needs..what do you expect. SIL also passed on H had said he didn't want to call things off with me, and could have continued counselling. Unbelievable, early Nov he said plainly he wanted to move on, didn't want to fix the M, didn't want to be M, wanted a D...

It's amazing how much plan B has helped me. The rewards are really showing now. I got proof about it yesterday, I'm fine with or without H. I've gained so much strenght. H is not going to drag me down anymore. <p>It has been so helpful to read the posts here and
if I'm going to give it an another go with H, I know now not to rush things. If he really wants me in his life he's going to have to wait...
Was it around 4 months I read on CarolKs thread she kept her H sweating??
I already have a couple of fake reconciliations behind me, don't want any more of that.<p>Any suggestions or comments?

Well supposedly you're supposed to wait for H to come to terms with the conditions in the letter.<p>I'll fill you in on my Plan B saga - It was almost 2 weeks of harrassing behavior from my H while in Plan B. He would call the house incessantly, not stick to any of the terms, fuss about how e-mail was inconvenient(he has a nextel phone, palm pilot and portable computer). He even broke into the house and kept pushing the boundaries.<p>Then it came to a head and he actually had a counseling session with Steve Harley - to talk about custody issues about the kids. Anyway, after the session, I broke my silence because I though I was filing for divorce and there's no need to continue on with Plan B at that point. Well, it was like taking the top off of a bottle of a carbonated beverage that you've been shaking. WH was so relieved and happy to talk to me and that I was back to "normal." Back to someone who he thought he could control was more like it. It was only a honeymoon period of a couple of days for sure. <p>To really be effective, Plan B needs to be stuck out until reality sets in. Especially if you've been Plan Aing for so long. I keep wondering what my WH would have done if I would have held out for a little longer. <p>If you want to try the DB techniques now, then it's up to you, but you may want to make sure that you tell your WH that something has changed and that's why you are taking back Plan B. Otherwise it will loose its effectiveness and you'll never be able to use it again.<p>Remember - WH has to come to you. You've already gone way above and beyond reaching out to him. It's scary, but I also liked being in Plan B. It was very helpful to concentrate on myself and not have to put up with abuses from WH.<p>Ultimately the choice is yours but make sure you have a plan. Take care. K

Bears, I was reading your post and going to suggest you look at my saga, but I see you already did!<p>I kept my H really pursuing for 2 months, then told him he could come home (this was after he did ALL the right things). During most of that 2 months I was very reluctant with him and made him do all the work. This was to cement his love for me in REALLY deep. Then for another couple months I withheld emotionally about 20 percent gradually working up to giving around 95 percent (this on advice of coach who said if you don't do this there is very good chance they will leave again and then it will be next to impossible to get them back!).<p>Coach said I had been giving too much "emotional nookie" to my H while we were separated. I had begun to think that my H had no clue what it would be like to be divorced....we had so much interaction. When I started to back off bigtime is when my H woke up.<p>I would advise you to be patient and take is slowly. Let him prove himself. Who needs to go thru this mess again? NOT ME.<p>Carol
PS. H and I are doing SO WELL and are so much in love. We were talking the other day about how we could have gone for years without saying "I love you"...now we both say it multiple times a day!

K,<p>Thanks. I had H panicking a little too in the first week of plan B , he came twice into my house, just told him thingscan be sorted by email or txtmessages. He gave up , but what I hear he's been all this time annoyed about the whole thing.<p> My H is a controller too. I am still keeping my boundaries, emotionally I won't let him get to me again. Way too scary even to think now, the pain was too much, too fresh in my mind.
I don't have the great need to be with him anymore, now I can choose.
H can do the work now. I am not feeling like wanting to contact him at all. I keep in my mind the waffling on/off behaviour. It can change from day to day, sometimes even faster. Don't want any more rollercoaster rides.<p>Take care of you and your little ones.<p>Carol,<p>Thanks for your reply. Yes I read your story, and found it very helpful. I was feeling low at that point and it gave me hope. My problem before has been to let H back come back too early. I filled many of his needs, while OW filled some of the others. Makes your head spin. It's madness.
Someone had to back off.

Good you explained the 4 month thing again.I'll keep it in my mind, with some alterations. My H is quite needy for a company, has never been long period without a woman. But I still feel if he's making an effort to save our M, I will try very hard to take it slowly.<p> I see what you mean getting your H's love back again,he neede to prove it was real first. Some (most?) men just want the chase, not the begging , clinging type of behaviour from the woman. And if there's competition maybe even better. May sound manipulating, but what you wouldn't try, while trying to save a M and give the kids their family back again!! I also know how difficult it can be after a long separation, but it's not impossible.<p>Good luck for you and your H.

WhoooHooo!<p>Good job BiF!!!!<p>The longer you make him wait the more time he'll have to really be sure the marriage is what he wants. Takes time for the cement to firm up. You want him rock solid about the marriage, no mushy stuff.<p>Keep up the good work!

Thanks m, <p>I won't make a mess of it this time, I won't...
Get a feeling it's the last chance now, 3rd time, we'll see.
H talked about it yesterday, that I was too hasty, wanted an instant fix.
Yes and while he kept pushing me for the answers about any other guys he added : I'm not jealous or anything...
Oh yes, sure...
He thought I had met someone in the town where I was planning to move!<p>Anyone, suggestions about the move, should I go or stay closer to H??
200kms apart means a lot travelling for the kids, but I personally would be happier in the town I'm thinking of moving. H won't move.

You can always move but you won't always have the opportunity to save your marriage. I vote stay for at least awhile longer and give Plan B a chance to really work it's magic. You're already seeing good results, take heart and just keep doing what you're doing.

BIF---my first reaction to your leaving is why?
Some thoughts: Do your kids need more change in their life right now? If you move, will your children feel a deeper separation which may cause added pain to you? Will distance make any reconciliation harder? Are you running away from anything? or thinking the geographical cure is the answer? <p>If you are moving cause it is the only means of financial survival, then you have to adjust but maybe you need to think through your motives for moving? Whenever we "move" to a new place, a new relationship, a new job, we can take with us all the same old problems if there is no working through the causes of the problems. <p>THINK things through,
TW

Thanks m and TW for your replies.<p>Background about my living situation.<p>H and I separated 9/00. I had to move out from our family home, H more or less forced me out with the kids. The house went with his job, part of his family's business, farming. I didn't know about MB then , if I had, I would have fought harder staying, and H should have moved out instead. H's job was going to be only for few more months, and then he moved out too.<p>Neither of us have not been in our original family home soon for a year. We are both renting.
H 's house is only available until May, he has to find a new place. I am in my third! place since separated. 1st one I stayed 7 months, the area was not good for future potential finding a job etc. I chose to move and really liked my new place, unfortunately the owners wanted their property back. I had to move, by that time H wanted to reconcile, and we looked at a new place together. H wanted to stay around for his older kids schools(they lived with their mother then). I compromised, and few weeks later his kids were enrolled to schools 100kms away. That's where H has lived, and OW works. H didn't want to get back together and the older kids have moved in with him. I felt cheated, and being here the memory of it is constantly on my face. So finally I have chosen to settle down somewhere. OS starts school in August, so we don't need any more moves! The kids have been adjusting quite well, but I know it's not the best for them.<p>TW, I know what you mean about the move making a difference. You can't escape your pain, it needs to be sorted.It lessens only with time.
At the moment I am leaning more towards the idea being closer to H. Which would mean about 30km distance.