I have decided to pull back and distance myself from WS. I cannot handle seeing and entertaining false hope. I still feel like I am in the process of ripping, tearing, extracting something from my life. Not sure if it is just me changing (changing is painful) or if the M is truly over. <p>I need help to continue Plan B---I miss WS---I know nothing about what is going on in his life and I feel a sense of withdrawal. And of course, I have no one special to spend time with so I feel such a deep sense of aloneness. I am busy and have many activities going on in my life but they are all so colorless. I have a full and abundant life. Since I became a Christian 23 yrs ago, I have experienced such a joy in living and I feel robbed of that now or like that joy is smothered. <p>Question---I did not write a Plan B letter to explain my pulling back. Is it a "must" to explain my need to have minimal contact? I do not want to write the Plan B letter and tell him that I am willing to work on things as soon as he leaves OW. I feel like that will satisfy his fence sitting til he tires of this new adventure and then rebounds back to me for convenience. <p>Still trying to decide whether to see a lawyer. I do not want a divorce but I want to protect myself financially. If WS has given OW what belongs to me emotionally, what will stop him from giving OW what is mine financially...BUT have little energy to go through these thoughts.<p>Just looking for some support and help,
TW

Dear Tossedwave,
I do know the feeling. You do need to get financial counseling and legal counseling. I am always amazed what they say and do while in this state of mind. It is sad.<p>I too am so busy--thta I don't even have very much time to post here anymore. But my life feels so loveless right now. I don't feel joy--and that is hard because of my own kids I have to deal with.

Hang in there. I don't know what else to say. My friend called the other day and said this is so much like death. She lost her disabled son 10 years ago. I watched her go through that process, and was so worried that she wouldn't make it through. But she did. She reminded me that that is what I am going through now--and the reason Jim doesn't feel that bad is that he went through emotional divorce from me a long time ago. I have to run to my daughter's basketball game. He will be there with her--keep me in your prayers--and you take care too..

TW - I think you have to write a plan B letter. Your signature says separated 9/01, when did plan B begin? If you just pull back without a plan B letter, he will think you're vacillating and that could just encourage him to continue any waffling that he does now.<p>Instead of saying that you're just waiting for him to come back, the letter should say you can't go on like this and that you won't come back until he commits to no contact and commits to working on the marriage. There should be a time limit for plan B in your mind, but not in the letter.<p>Definitely you should write a letter, and post a draft on the board for comments.<p>On advice, sometimes you can get initial consultation with a lawyer through a county bar association referral service, at a nominal fee ($20 in my case). This is a good idea just to get a few pointers on what might lie ahead and what to watch for. The timing is good if you are starting plan B. If it goes to support or separation filings, then it will cost more.<p>Good luck,<p>Tom

But my life feels so loveless right now. I don't feel joy--and that is hard because of my own kids I have to deal with<p>MnM--you said it best..."loveless". Are you able to show love to your kids or is that smothered in the pain? I know I am numbed out to many people in my life but I feel overwhelming love for my kids (grown and don't see regularly). They are my only joy right now but they are busy and have their own lives so I see them only occassionally.<p>What you said about a loved one dying is right on with the same feelings. Funny thing is that people send you a card and can seem to grasp the pain of losing a loved one but there is no cards, no smypathy, no flowers, and it goes on so long, friends tire of it. I often wish my WS did die instead of this. <p>I will pray for you, MnM, cause you have to keep contact with WS for the kids sake. Thanks for your thoughts.<p>TW - I think you have to write a plan B letter. Your signature says separated 9/01, when did plan B begin? If you just pull back without a plan B letter, he will think you're vacillating and that could just encourage him to continue any waffling that he does now<p>tmmx, Not sure I understand your above comment. Could you explain more? After separation, we continued contact almost once a week...some of it was tearful and full of empty promises and it felt like some of it was just to feed his ego and get his wife "fix". I cannot do that anymore, so I am avoiding him totally. I need to protect myself from his indecision and lack of committment. Something seems to have changed with him, too, so maybe he is leaning more toward OW now. He always calls before he is gonna stop for his mail and to pick something up so I make sure I go out. The other day he came without calling but I was not home anyway. He probably came by then and saw I was not home. <p>He tried to talk to me on the phone about 3 weeks ago about a health problem and I did not engage in any comments just yeah, no etc. short but sweet. It has been about 3 weeks since I have pulled back. I am not supporting him emotionally anymore but I wonder if I can avoid totally not seeing him.<p>I have many reservations about the Plan B letter but I can't put my finger on it all. Can't even find words----they all have been said. Which puzzles me cause I am NEVER at a loss for words.<p>Thanks for helping think this through,
TW

I almost feel we need to talk about M at this point and come to some conclusions. Then I might be able to write out and stick to Plan B. I am done supporting him emotionally. He needs to get that from OW and they need to see what they really have for each other. <p>It is funny---I understand about the withdrawal and the emotional "fix" we get from each other. When I don't see WS for awhile, I get energy from seeing him and can go a little longer in this waffling state so I guess contact is not good for either of us when there is no M to build. When I don't see him, I get depressed and feel the withdrawal of our life together and knowing about each other. I want to continue to adjust to the single life I have been thrown into and I want the pain to stop SOON!!!!!

Hi TW,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tossedwave:
<strong>I have decided to pull back and distance myself from WS. I cannot handle seeing and entertaining false hope. I still feel like I am in the process of ripping, tearing, extracting something from my life. Not sure if it is just me changing (changing is painful) or if the M is truly over. TW</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You are correct. False hopes are not healthy.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tossedwave:
<strong>
I need help to continue Plan B---I miss WS---I know nothing about what is going on in his life and I feel a sense of withdrawal. And of course, I have no one special to spend time with so I feel such a deep sense of aloneness. I am busy and have many activities going on in my life but they are all so colorless. I have a full and abundant life. Since I became a Christian 23 yrs ago, I have experienced such a joy in living and I feel robbed of that now or like that joy is smothered. TW</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Then you need to have plan B better defined and clearly understood so that you can regain &#8216;your&#8217; happiness. For now at least a measure of it. You sound as if you are doing plan B but with your eyes closed so the fear is still there. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tossedwave:
<strong>
Question---I did not write a Plan B letter to explain my pulling back. Is it a "must" to explain my need to have minimal contact? I do not want to write the Plan B letter and tell him that I am willing to work on things as soon as he leaves OW. I feel like that will satisfy his fence sitting til he tires of this new adventure and then rebounds back to me for convenience. TW</strong><hr></blockquote> <p>Plan B not only reduces your contact to a minimum but it also gives you control of your life back. The fact that he is no longer in the sharing stage of your life tells him that he has lost the family/H status. I told my H to even &#8216;knock&#8217; when he came to our home. I reinforced this by putting in a deadbolt lock which he did not have the key. Believe it or not in plan B the WS feels the distance. Since they are in the fog how they react to it can range from anger (how dare you keep me out of &#8216;my&#8217; home&#8230;..) to great sadness (don&#8217;t you care for me?). To the average sane person this is ludicrous but with the WS it is predictable. Now in plan B you must not expect quick changes but there will be changes. You have to go into this with your eyes and ears wide open. You must act like you are D. Be on your own and not be afraid. It is not as hard as you may think. But if you do a 1/2hearted plan B, it will not work. It is like drinking diluted coffee, or eating a ½ baked cake. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tossedwave:
<strong>
Still trying to decide whether to see a lawyer. I do not want a divorce but I want to protect myself financially. If WS has given OW what belongs to me emotionally, what will stop him from giving OW what is mine financially...BUT have little energy to go through these thoughts.<p>Just looking for some support and help,
TW</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Even if you should see a lawyer you need to keep your options open. Again practice moving forward without him. It may get to that or it may not. These fogese guys see their wives moving on and it scares them. <p>Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Prepare for the worse. You will be stronger for it and if it should get to that level, the shock and acceptance will be easier. <p>Hugz,
L.<p>[ January 26, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Thanks, Orchid, for clarifying things. Plan B letter is for me...not only to communicate to WS where I am at but for me to finalize and get to the next step of closure to all this. I have to think about what you said about doing Plan B with my eyes closed.<p>I do fear "verbalizing" Plan B cause I am concerned that WS might stop financial support and I cannot pay all the bills for our home myself. How can you stop WS from coming to their house that they still pay for? WS usually rings the bell and is very respecful about my privacy rights. <p>I think I need to see a lawyer before the Plan B letter,though. I just need to pray for the energy to do this.<p>Wow---thinking through things sure helps. YOU GUYS ARE GREAT!!!!
TW