All of a sudden, my H is realizing that he has lost his relationships with the kids....and of course, he is blaming me again.<p>Now, he is writing his lawyers saying that the separation time, where he has let the kids and I move on was requested by me and now he wants to reconnect with the kids.<p>He is asking now to have established telephone times, where we must be available for him to call the kids every nite.<p>He was supposed to have the kids this weekend. 3 out of the 4 did not want to go. My older two begged off because of previous commitments and my 10 year old screamed and cried and carried on all day because she didn't want to go. My three oldest kids all called him to tell him they couldn't go--I was at work and knew nothing about it. Now, he is writing his lawyer saying that I have not given him access to communication with the kids.<p>I wrote him last night, telling him this was so ridiculous. They have always had access to him by phone--my oldest daughter even has her own cell phone. They don't need me to call him. THey all did it yesterday.<p>He is also upset--because of the bills. We have the same amount and more because he is living with his OW. Now, it is my fault because he has spent all of his money.<p>I did write him back last night. I asked him why after 25 years, he is making me out to be such an evil person? I told him I have only loved and supported him--so why is he treating me like this. I told him that it was his choices that have put his relationship with the kids in jeoparady--not my choices or the kids. Now he is facing the reality of those choices--and like it or not, that is the consequences of his behavior. <p>He wrote back and said that for the first time in 25 years, he is happy. And that I am a bitter, angry person that is seeking vengence through the kids. That is so hard to take from him. I am not doing anything except keeping up with life here. We are busy--and the kids are used to him being gone. They don't want to make special accomodations to go see him--except for my son.<p>He said last night that I was making this an all or nothing proposition...I don't know what he wants. It seems like he just wants me to accept what he has done, be happy with it and allow he and his girlfriend to be around my kids....unacceptable to me. <p>How can he be so far into the FOG. How can he be so cruel and mean. THe sad part is, he wrote another email like this to my friend who is acting as our intermediary. She was so angry, she wrote him an email that said basically, that he abandoned us and he is living with the consequences of those choices. SHe told him that he doesn't sound happy. He has to get time off to spend with the kids, etc. etc. etc. She mailed it to me--and we decided not to mail it to him. She said that she was just so angry by what he had written--she couldn't believe the accusations and insinuations---and that he had mailed that to both her and the lawyer representing the kids. I told her that this was typical of his state of mind--and then read her what he had written to me. She couldn't believe it. <p>I knew this is how he would be...this will be a never ending process--and that is what my life will be like from now on. It is sad. <p>Anyone have any suggestions? I am already tired of this mess. I try to forget him and go on with my life---but these interactions--that are unavoidable with the kids get me so upset. I really hate this man.

MnM,<p>First of all how old are your older children? My OS is 17 and he decides when & if he will go see his dad. If I am not mistaken your oldest two are over 16 or close, I don't think they can be made to visit thier father, at least here TX they can't. Your 10 yr old D, most likely has no choice or maybe it could be worked out to where she could only go less often.<p>Do your children have email accounts? If not try setting them up their own, have each one send thier dad an eamil, so he has their address & make the younger send dad an email every day (think I should do this with my YS).<p>Did you get him all scheuldes to your WH? A pain but do so as he sends every rant of his to his lawyer.<p>Are you usually home close to bedtime, then have the younger child call him before they go to bed? Even if they are just leaving messages.<p>Tell him he call OD on her cell phone, now if she is like my OS he will not call his dad back. <p>MY STBX has stopped trying to call or email OS, as OS doesn't respond, I think, he should keep trying as it shows he cares, & I know my son watches this.<p>When my children like yours are use to not having thier dad in their dad day to day life, So seeing him on the wkends or part of the wkends & 1 or 2 times during the wk is fine. Actually it started 1 to 2 times, & after 6 months it has decreased to just 1.<p>MY STBX takes YS Sat morning till Sun evening. OS may or may not go. Now STBX has been out of the country, he came Tue (wanted to come Mon but the boys had plans) afternoon, rrom say 3 till 9. I think he is coming today like always, but he didn't tell me ( I wasn't home for most of his visit), nor has emailed or telphoned I asked OS if dad was coming, he wasn't sure.<p>Good luck.

Thanks Sing,<p>It is so hard to back away emotionally from this. He does call my oldest daughter on her phone--and she replies when she wants to.<p>I sent him the schedules for the kids activities this weekend way in advance...just listened to my phone messages--he called yesterday and still complained about nit picky things--that he easily could have found out. Do I have to always spoon feed him? It makes me so angry. It just shows how out of touch he has really been forever when it concerns the kids and their schedules. <p>You sound so calm. Well, I am off to my daughter's basketball game. He will be there, so this will be interesting. Thanks for the advice--I will try to do all that. I am still amazed that he can cause all this turmoil and I yet I have to baby him, forgive him, deal with him and act like it doesn't hurt. Amazing

Oh MnM,<p>I am in one of my sarcastic moods again and would say to him (now I have said this to my H), if he is happy being a jerk and lying to others about his relationships, then I will make sure others know what makes him happy. <p>MnM, your H is babbling again. If you need to babble back but don't take his stuff seriously. Do you have your laywer? Have him send a letter clarifying matters. I think there was a lawyer who even gave up on their client (a ws) because of the stupidity (games played by the WS). <p>Don't let your H's babble hurt you. Just see it as his being a jerk. I mean really lack of money and not being able to pay bills makes him happy? If yes, let me know I will send him mine, he would be estatic!!! LOL [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Main thing is not to dwell too much on his stupid acts. Yes he is very much in the fog, you need to acquire the skills on how to combat it. Kinda like war? Yep. <p>Hugz,
L.

Thanks Orchid,<p>I did pretty well today....H got my daughter to the game and was sitting in the stands. <p>I just tried to act like normal and ignored him. He kind of stuck out like a sore thumb...I am friends with everyone there...and no one wanted to talk to him. <p>The girls played great...and when the game was over Kaitie came up and gave me a big hug. She said she wanted to come home. I told her that was between her and dad....I told her he had lots of fun things planned. We went out in the hallway for the coach's talk. Kaitie said she would be back in a minute. She evidently found her father and told him she wanted to go home. My son came and gave me a hug---he had a new hat and toys...and he gave me a hug and told me he would be home tomorrow--I gave him a hug back and told him to have fun. My H. stormed right pass us and went and got the car. He didn't talk to anyone. Kaitie came back to me and said she was going home with me. I said "what did Dad say?" She said he said "Fine, just keep your mother away from me" and then he left. <p>I am sure this will be my fault too. He had the kids call his girlfriend again last night. Kyle talked to her, but Kaitie didn't. Why does he keep doing stuff like that. Kaitie also said that they went to Blockbuster last night and rented three movies and he bought them 2 CDs and a new game for the Xbox that he bought them for Christmas. <p>Gosh, Orchid, how have you kept your sanity. What he is doing is so ridiculous---but, it is like I have told my friend last night---he really believes his accusations. In his head, I am this evil witch. I am amazed and sad by his words and actions. This is the same man who stood up and talked about how wonderful his wife and family have been--and how we loved and supported him throughout his military career. Why is he trying to convince my friends--that I am mentally unbalances---they know better. It is just so bizaare.<p>I know it is time to let go...and I am trying to not let it hurt me anymore---but it does still hurt. My heart feels like it is breaking.

You know hon that your letting go will not be as bad as you anticipate. That distortion is due to the fog. You may feel very unsure of yourself since you really never prepared for such a change of events. Kinda still in the shock mode (believe it or not). <p>My advice is to hang in there. His world is much more unstable than yours and time will prove this. Again remind yourself that if he is sooo happy you can tell him that he sure doesn't seem happy. That is what I did to my H. Funny how what they say and do are often in opposite directions. Now the same goes the other way. When they say what we want to hear but we don't see it, we need to be just as cautious. That is where I think the BS here get taken for a ride and often find themselves out in the cold. <p>Don't allow that to happen to you. <p>Hugz,
L.

You are so right Orchid,<p>If I had paid attention to his actions and believed them rather than his words over the last ten years--I wouldn't be in this mess right now. Instead, I chose to believe him and I invested my love in someone who never valued me. Hindsite is always so good unfortunately.<p>I really miss my "family" though. I miss having this "unit". I want the best for the kids and I still feel that is with both of their natural parents. We did do a pretty good job raising 4 successful kids. What I am really fighting is lonliness. Even with all the kids and their friends and our hectic lifestyle---I miss him. I miss having him to snuggle with at night, I miss having another adult who loves and cares for me, I miss having someone help with the kids. Why couldn't he give me that...why couldn't he give the love he is giving to her--to me? Why was that so hard. I don't understand that--and it is not a good feeling. At the very start of this whole mess he told me "what am I doing...I have a beautiful wife and 4 great kids...but we don't work...and I have to go." <p>I know it doesn't do any good to try to figure out the why's...what is done is done. I am moving slowly forward--I am not as upset as I would have been a few months ago after getting emails like the ones he sent last night. I was pretty calm during the basketball game too. This is still so sad for me tho. <p>Don't you teach too, Orchid. That is my one saving grace this year....I have really good kids. God must have known I couldn't have handled classes like the ones I had last year. This year is flying by.<p>I appreciate your time and comments. I haven't been posting as much lately--mainly due to time...but mostly because I just don't know what to say anymore. I am disillusioned and kind of feel hopeless at this point. I feel like I gave this marriage all that I had--and it wasn't good enough. <p>I am going to take my daughter and get outside..it is gorgeous out side today. Really warm, sunny and beautiful. Take care Pat