Right now my wife (WS) wants to live the single party life. The counselor who see's the two of us seperately told me not to go out with her single friends and party with them anymore. This maybe one of my wifes EN's right now but the counselor doesn't think I should support her in what she is doing. Her partying is basically what got her into the EA/PA in the first place.
So my question do I go out and party with her? Or do I tell her she can go out if she likes but I am going to take a pass. I don't want anyone to think I haven't tried going out and partying with her to fulfill her EN. I have gone out I would say eight times in the past few weeks with her. Almost all of those times I was either carrying to the car or I was holding her up while she walked. The counselor said my wife has turned to alcohol and pot for her self medication. Even with me going out those times and fulfilling her EN's, my wife still treats me like crap. Personally I am at the point now that I don't want to support her in the partying anymore. Unless someone is going to tell me differently that is what I am going to do. My wife went out last night with her single coworkers. She told me it wasn't going to be a late night. Well she got there at six p.m. and came home after eleven. The only reason she came home is her friends were going to smoke pot at someone's apartment and I wouldn't drive over there so my wife could smoke up.
So what do I do? Do I support the partying or not? It may be one of her EN, but by supporting it she is just self medicating herself even more...
Need advice I don't want to choose the wrong path on this one...

Confused,
Go back and read my response to your other thread. You seem to be missing the fact that your W has a problem. This is not an EN. Some problems of an addictve-compulsive type, or personality disorders related to childhood abuse, or other trauma do not fit neatly into the infidelity categories. <p>David

{{{{Confused}}}}<p>I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. If your W is "partying" to the point where she has to be carried to the car, then something is very very wrong. This strongly sounds like a substance abuse problem...but I've never dealt with that, so I can't offer any advice [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Maybe ask BrambleRose...I believe she's had experience dealing with this situation.

I don't think you should support it. Maybe you could contact your local ALANON group to ask some questions about enabling, etc.<p>I know there's some other MB'ers that have dealt with this stuff before. you know weekends are kinda slow around here, so don't give up on getting some advice, k? Hopefully the others will be along soon.

Recreational companionship is an EN. Partying until drunk is not recreation. In fact, I would see that as an LB on her part--selfish demand or, like the others are saying substance abuse. I think Dr. Harley does talk about alcohol abuse as an issue that really has to be addressed before marital recovery. Perhaps check under the Other Topics Forum?<p>It sounds like a lousy situation, and I think if you choose not to go with her at this point, that is a valid choice.

Confused,<p>Hey man, Hang in there. This is actually the first time I have even looked at GQII, and all I have to say is WOW!!!! I am in a very much the same situation. My posts are in the Just Found Out. My Wife was a very spiritual person until June of "01" and then something just snaped. She started partying every weekend. Then it happened (A's). She is still to this day wanting to party on weekends. Your question of supporting an EN by going out with her has to be up to you. What is your feelings? Mine are this.<p>I see that her self distructive exploits are not very helpful in fixing our marriage. All you can do is be truthful in love. Let her know with out LB'ing how this makes you feel. And maybe she will see it that her activitys are actually withdrawing love units from her account. <p>I know what you are thinking and feeling. I go through this every time she leaves to go out. My wife told me on friday that she was going out with my sister and that she wasn't going to drink. Well she literally had to be carried out of the bar by my BIL. It was a bad night to say the least. I do not have the ability to go out with my wife because someone has to stay home with the kids. It really sucks!!!! I guess we have to take it one day at a time.
Bryan

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HARD2WAKEUP:
<strong>Confused,<p>I know what you are thinking and feeling. I go through this every time she leaves to go out. My wife told me on friday that she was going out with my sister and that she wasn't going to drink. Well she literally had to be carried out of the bar by my BIL. It was a bad night to say the least. I do not have the ability to go out with my wife because someone has to stay home with the kids. It really sucks!!!! I guess we have to take it one day at a time.
Bryan</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hey Bryan sorry about your situation but have you considered a relative to baby sit your kids?<p>Does your wife drive? If she does then she is going to get busted with a DUI and may loose her drivers license. Worse yet, she can cause and accident and, God forbid, a fatality.<p>Joe<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

I don't think that partying should be considered an EN, actually it seem like an anti-EN. W is using the party scene to get away from the real problems. Problem is, you cant do anything about it, and that is exactly what you should do.<p>I, too, had to go through what you are going through. W has been doing the party scene for a while, but really kicked it into high gear when she met OM, and took it one level higher after DDay. W didn't want me to go along (go figure) so I too stayed at home with the kids. But you know what, I would have rather had it that way anyway, I really had a good time with them, we did a lot of fun stuff while mom was 'with her friends'. Some of the stories that W told me about the fun she had made me sick, glad I wasn't a part of it.<p>Anyway, if I can make some suggestions. Stop taking care of W when she goes out and parties like that, all you are doing is enabling the addiction. I took me a long time to get to that point myself, but when I did, it released me of a lot of the pain I was putting on myself. If W came home too drunk to walk, I just left her in the hallway by the front door. If W fell out of bed, I left her on the floor. Basically don't take care of her, just make sure that she is out of harms way.<p>There is nothing wrong with going out for a few drinks. I'm sure it would be fun to go out with W, but tell her in advance how much you will tolerate from her. If she crosses that line, tell her that you have had enough, slow down or you are leaving, tell her its her choice. <p>You know, maybe you can practice your flirting skills and see how W reacts, have some fun, find out what you are missing. For me, I don't like the bar scene, to me its just a meat market anyway, I think there are better ways to spend the evenings.<p>W is a big girl and knows what she is doing, hopefully she figures it out before someone gets hurt

I have the same problem, and you could name me confused girl... I have been going out with H, much to his pleasure and partying some with him... well, this is not the life I want... and NO, it is not good for him or our kids, or our life... etc etc.<p>most of the people... I have even asked ages...at the bars are in college, and many many many do not have kids... or they are irresponsible parents if doing this on weeknights... weekends, I think maybe sometimes OK... I personally opt for dinner and a movie... <p>The ow got my h into this, and so has some of his "friends" and HE decided this is what he wants- This is his choice... I have to remember that..<p>that is why I too, have tried to go out with him... <p>but, i am not sure that any of this works... I think my spouse enjoys me going out with him, but I do not enjoy enabling him.. this is not the way I want to live my life. I am sooo sad about his behavior, and him turning to alcohol and drugs and away from his family.<p>I know you too are saddened by your wives actions... and I am sorry she is doing this to both of you.... <p>I have tried very hard to work all of this out, and this is just awful, and terrible... I keep finding out more stuff that hurts me.... and I am very tired of it.<p>I am very sad about all of this and sorry you too have to go through this.<p>honey

ALSO WANTED TO add, h is mad at me for drinking too much, isn't this strange considering that he is drunk ALL THE TIME???? There are lots of problems that go with all of this... and you should definitely check out alanon, there are alanon websites... search google for the online meetings... and also you can call alanon for info, they should be in your local directory,a nd if not, call aa, and ask about alanon... my advice for now, is do not share this with your spouse.. but go and go now. I went to alanon tonight, and it is where I needed to be. GO! I know it is hard. IT is the hardest thing in the world to watch someone you love go down on alcohol and drugs when you know they are hurting.<p>HUgs, HONEY