I feel it more every day. I don't want it, am not asking for it, and for sure don't like it. <p> W has turned pretty cold to me, no longer gives affection, withholds SF and even pushes me away. Which is quite a new development. <p> I have been oh so slow about letting go. Seems like I have been living like this forever. <p> Anyway, I am on the verge of making the decision to leave on my own. I know it will hurt like hell for a time, but I have hurt like hell for almost a year now as it is. <p> Wife told me today she is miserable. With me, with the kids, with life itself. I asked her what I could do and she says nothing. She will not seek out professional help. Will not let me help her. Will not help herself even.<p> Now that she with-holds SF and any kind of affection, my love bank is draining fast. I know I should go to Plan B, but I no longer see that as something I even want. I am thinking of a more modified Plan B where we seperate, do not break of communication, and see where we land. If she still won't come around in a short amount of time, then I file.<p> I do not want it. I do not. A part of me is fighting the thoughts of seperation and divorce. That part seems to be losing at the moment. <p> I want to love and BE loved. It is about time I get started, with WS or without her.<p> Someone has a sig line from the movie Shaw Shank Redemtion. I have been thinking a lot about those words lately. Get busy living or get busy dying. Do I ever want to live again.<p> Any thoughts???<p> jd

Hi jd, and here's my thoughts:<p>If you don't want it, don't do it. <p>Yes, get busy living, whatever that means to you, but don't do something you'll regret. Regrets suck. You don't want a separation or divorce - so don't leave, and don't file divorce.<p>If you choose to modify Plan B, it isn't Plan B. You can still do it, of course, but it isn't Plan B.<p>You are a good guy. You DO deserve to love and be loved. I hope you can acheive that with your wife. Her loss, if you can't.

I havent read your other threads recently. I'm making dinner now so I'll read them later, but for now I'll give you some advice from just reading this post.<p>I'm not sure about what to do to try to open up your wife's heart again. I'm trying to figure that out too. As for yourself, what works for my love bank is a sort of re-deposit. Sometimes when im running low, I re-read some of the old love letters she wrote to me, or look at our photo album. Its not a great solution, but it helps sometimes when you are running out of motivation. Remember when you were in love, it is obvious you miss it. <p>Hope it helped a little

JD,
Just a few thoughts for you off the top of my head.<p>First, no matter how much you want it, it is tooooo soon for you to jump into another relationship anyway. The time to enter a serious a relationship with someone is when we DON'T need it. You're going to have to have some time alone, to rely on your own strengths, family and friends, and God, to enjoy life. Start working on this now. You don't NEED your W, or any other woman, in order to be happy. So please don't let this need make your decision for you. k?<p>Have you read CarolKH's thread? And been watching Cali lately? I wonder if some of those techniques may help in your situation a bit. Detaching, strength, moving on, boundaries, etc. It might get W's attention, and make you feel stronger in the process. <p>I liked the suggestion to think about the past to make your own love deposits. That may be what you need to do, if you're not ready to let go yet. <p>I don't know how H2Y's weekend has gone in D yet. His W may truly be coming out of the fog. I'll know in a few hours I guess. But since he didn't go to plan B at Christmas like he really prolly should've, every day he has gotten a different story from W on the phone. It has continued to drive him nutso... trying to figure out what's truth and what's not. Communication keeps you in touch with the moose-brain worms and allllll their lies, tricks, confusion, weakness, guilt, and rationaliztions. <p>Why are you thinking of a "modified" Plan B? Why do you want to keep communication open? (hehe... I jumped right into preachin' without asking you to elaborate... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )

Hey Jd,
Sorry to hear this kind of news. I think you should do Plan B as it states, so your feelings for W don't end up going in the negative directon.
Your W probably needs time alone as well to think about what she really wants in life.<p>I'm sure it will be hard for you but I know of someone else who should have Plan B and he is getting to the point that he is having negative feelings towards his wife, and she is getting to become an angry person. Not a good sitution to be in.<p>You know that we are here for you all the way no matter what. Good luck. Sherry

Thanks Everyone,<p> I appreciate the advice. For the record I must add that I am not jumping into a relationship with anyone else at this time. I know I had posted about having my own A awhile back and had mentioned that certain women at work are coming on to me strongly. But that honestly has nothing to do with this post as I know you guys were/are right. <p> As for the modified Plan B, I honestly cannot envision how a couple with children can completely sever communication with each other. Not to mention finances. How would it look to my children if I refused to talk to their mother? <p> I will always love my wife to a point. Maybe I lose the in love feelings, but I will always love her. How do you do a straight Plan B when you know in your heart this is true?<p> As for not going to Plan B because I don't want it. I guess you could say I wouldn't really be going to Plan B because I wouldn't break communication, which is one of the main points of that plan. <p> There is far too much pain all around for us to continue like we are for another 10 or 11 months. If I really love my wife as I say to you all, isn't it a must for me to let go?<p> jd

jdmac1 said<p>I do not want it. I do not. A part of me is fighting the thoughts of seperation and divorce. That part seems to be losing at the moment. <p>You have given me sound advice. I will make my feeble attempt to give you some. If you don't want it, don't do it. Whenever I think of leaving, I fast forward the tape to the first night, sleeping alone somewhere, my children and my wife somewhere else. Trying to close my eyes, thinking of my daughters lying in their beds, my wife lying in her bed. Knowing they will wake up without me there. Knowing I will wake up all alone.<p>Then I rewind. No matter how much pain I may be in now, nothing compares to the pain I would feel waking up alone, knowing my daughters are waking up alone, my wife is waking up alone.<p>Your wife needs help. She needs you. Your children need you. As much as you need things too, and as much as you have been nobly sacrificing for 12 months now, you are still in the right place: YOU ARE HOME.<p>Hang in there jdmac1, pray, pray pray. I will make sure you are prayed for by many, many prayer warriors. <p>Unless and until you KNOW it is time to leave, it is not time to leave.

JD, buddy, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
I didn't mean to make it seem like you were trying to rush into something else. I was going off your statement:
I want to love and BE loved. It is about time I get started, with WS or without her.
as well as remembering your thoughts of an A. sorry. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I just didn't want this to be the reason for you giving up on your marriage.<p>You are right. Plan B with kids does require some communication, if there's no one that can be a middle-person for you. I believe that continued communication with your W is going to be very difficult for you - very painful for you, based on what I've seen others going through on here. <p>Have you thought of setting up an appointment with a counselor, and saying to W, "I've made an appointment with a counselor. Will you consider going with me? If not, I will go myself, to get some help with some of MY issues, to become the best me I can be. I would love for you to join me." and then go... <p>{{{{{{JD}}}}}}<p>I hope you'll get some more thoughts on all this. You asked some very good questions. <p>If you DO love your W, then yes, you may have to let her go (If you love something, let it go.. blah blah...) and she may CHOOSE to come back to you. Also, you asked about still having love in your heart. This is normal too. We don't go to Plan B after we're allllll out of love. What would be the point? You shoudl preserve that love by protecting it from the day-to-day hurt (love bank withdrawals). And, you will always love your W, no matter what happens. We want the PAIN to go away after a divorce, but not the love.<p>[ January 27, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

From experience - yes Plan B is hard on kids. However, you should not be the one to move out and you should keep the kids. WS is the one who is making the bad decision, so she should move out not you. Of course this may take some creative planning on how to get her to do this - ther ehave been posts about how to do this that I've read.<p>A few others points that you should think about -<p>1. You will know when it's time to Plan B. I went back and forth for a while, and started writing my Plan B letter even(this gets you really thinking) and then I knew.<p>2. You will end up LBing and loosing all the ground you gain if you try to Plan A for too long. That's what is happening to me. Went to Plan B(was very happy I might add) then stopped because I thought I was filing for divorce, which didn't happen, then tried Plan A again, atarted to LB and realized I just can't do it anymore, sonow it's back to divorce.<p>3. Remember, Plan B is about YOU. If you lose to many love units, which you eventually will in Plan A if WS doesn't come around, then you need to protect your love. The kids will have a messed up schedule and life if you separate and divorce - this is just giving Ws a taste of reality.<p>No matter hard you Plan A, sometimes it doesn't work because you can't control the other person. Then you have to make a choice - do I continue like this indefinitely or move to next step. If you're losing too many love units, then it's time, if not, then hang on.<p>You can at least start your Plan B letter, just in case and continue to monitor how you feel. <p>I was trying to tell myself I could Plan A, when in reality I was losing love units too fast that I'm not really sure how much I have left, if any.<p>Continue to pray about the decision, and write your Plan B letter, and then see how you feel. K

JDMAC1<p>I'm posting to you with some sadness over all the pain you are/have going through...<p>I just want to say to you...not to get you mad but hopefully to strengthen you some. Sometimes letting in a little of the anger/pain this has all caused can strengthen one into some action...<p>I understand that people get depressed. I understand with out a doubt that depression is real and significant and painful...
I understand that people have a hard time admitting it at times and seeking help...but at the same time this self serving poor me wallowing in pity verbage of your wifes...is pathetic.<p>"Wife told me today she is miserable. With me, with the kids, with life itself. I asked her what I could do and she says nothing. She will not seek out professional help. Will not let me help her. Will not help herself even."<p>1. You are not responsible for her being miserble...she creates and chooses some of it.<p>2. How dare she speak of being miserable with her own kids and then in the same thought/breath refuse to seek help for their sake..the hell with her sake ..but for her children..how dare she....<p>I have a hard time with those that wallow in self pity...I have a hard time for those who profess doom and gloom which is an acknowledgement of how bad they are feeling then refuse to act on it...but will drag those around down with them<p>I would try seperating her depression from the marriage problems and try approaching her depression from the stand point of whatever the out come of your lives you do not want her to be miserable...that you value her regardless of her action be she remorseful or not..and that she owes it to her children to get on with feeling better...<p>I believe some people use depression and this self pitying stuff as a stalemate tactic...it avoids responsiblity...it stalls a lot of things....and it drives me nuts...and mostly I fear she is gonna drag you with her...and your children...<p>Focus on them...focus on doing and being for them in the home with her..in a way it's like you are seperated as she is sooo miserable and depressed..that it is now your responsibility to care for them...<p>I think you should rally the troops of your kids and have a hell of good time in your home...I think you should plan things to do and invite her to each and every one telling her and showing her how much she is wanted to be with you all. Plan A her all along in family activities...make her feel wanted and valued...but know the choice is hers...<p>I think dinner time should become the funnest 1/2 hour in your life...a food fight always lightens up a tense moment...<p>JD...you may and probably are all ready doing all of this...I just don't want you to get sucked into her life is all misery mantra..life is and can be good...and it is our responsibility to make it thus....celebrate your kids...celebrate yourself...she can either drag you under..or you can continue forward into strengthening your spirit and soul...In some ways this is exactly what plan A is to me..it is coming to that place with in yourself that either your spouse no longer engages in such time wasting behavior...or you no longer care or put up with it...<p>Peace to you and your home..
ARK