My WS keeps doing things to stay in contact with OM. When I confort her she just lies more and ends up confessing first lie and then says she did nothing wrong. Anyone else had to deal with this? Any advise appreciated. Still plan A. Thanks.

jerry,<p>Could you please add one of those 5 line profiles on you signature so that we can all remember your situtation? Having to search for all of your posts to remember the details is very time consuming.... This will jog our memories.<p>(Hey I cannot even remember what I had or lunch yesterday. Or did I even eat lunch? Do not recall. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>[ January 26, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Hey jerryweatherford - I have a couple of observations, no real answers, based on my experience. My wife did a hell of a lot of lying to me..<p>I found "confronting" to be of no value. I think my thought was " I'm onto your lies, here's what I know, let's deal w truth..I love you, let's work on it.." it did not work at all for me. In fact, it seemed to drive her further.. in the direction she was trying to justify. Confronting seems to help the ws "explain" why you are no longer a suitable mate, why leaving is the best option,why you are no longer " likeable".. it helps them excuse their behaviour.<p>IMHO, discovery of evidence of lying should be used to help you determine what you need to do to set your own boundaries and take care of yourself. You cannot invite truthtelling in those who see little or no value in it. This has to come from inside...<p>To help understand why she lied, I read Harriet Lerner's "Dance of Deception".. I also found Don Ruiz's " The Four Agreements" to be helpful. <p>Also Lerner's "Dance of Connection" helped.<p>Lying can serve several purposes.. it can help further the distance between the two of you.. something many WS want. It helps keep you "off balance"; subject to control. The "power", or control element is one that some WS find appealing, this has been posted about recently.It can also help a WS see things in the light they want, they are convincing themselves of a particular perspective as well..<p>
For what it may be worth..<p>Dan

zorweb...I'll try. <p> Family Man, I think you hit it on the head. All you said sounds like you've been here listening & watching. Thanks.

Hang in Jerry, from another Jerry [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> I really think FM hit the nail on the head. I know nothing I have tried prevents my WS from lying. Just learn to see through their lies and focus on working on yourself. <p> jd

jerry,
As coming from one who has done the lying I can tell you that it becomes a dreadful habit that is difficult to break. I believe that everyone deserves a chance or two to be honest but if you allow them to continue knowingly then it will probably continue. I don't know what your WS was like before this but myself I didn't want to lye before but all that changed. Your WS needs to be accountable for her statements and what path you take I can't say. I hope she comess around.
brw

Lying - wow, it seems to be the worst part, doesn't it?<p>I have caught my WH in some pretty big ones, and when I confront him, it seems to only make him angry (his own guilt) which he then projects onto me. Weird behaviour, but you have to remember that your WS has been abducted and the new language they speak is one that is not known to use here on Earth. I don't recommend learning the language yourself, but interpreting it back into English can help a great deal. <p>For example; I caught my H in one of his many lies. I let him know, calmly and without LB's and in my best Plan A way that I knew he was lying. His immediate reaction was silence. Then anger at *me* for "still trying to control him". <p>Eh?<p>Exactly. It doesn't make sense, but using the knowledge I've gained about abducted WS's and their language, I was able to interpret it as "I made a mistake. I lied and got caught. I can't accept that I've brought this on myself, so it's easier to make something up and blame in on Venus." <p>Don't take it personally. Define your boundaries, but do so with love and compassion. Lying comes from guilt and fear. Theirs - no yours. <p>Good luck to you!
VE

I have found it helpful to just end any conversations like that. As soon as I perceive the deception, rationalization, memory loss or any of the usual accountability-avoidance maneuvers, I just acknowledge that this conversation has become unproductive and end it.<p>I've determined that the next time he does it, I'm going to say that I choose to wait for a better time to address the issue.<p>Since I have the advantage of the insight of the de-fogged WSs here at MB, I know that there is hope there will be a better time when he may be ready to deal with the issues honestly and openly. In any case, I choose not to address any issues in the absence of honesty and openness, so I just table them or deal with them myself.

jerry,<p>I agree with conqueror. For three months after
d-day I would occasionally confront my W with details of her affair, only to have her deny it.
The lies hurt more than the EA, and to spare myself the additional pain, I stopped bringing anything up. That was six months ago. I haven't mentioned OM once. Things have gotten worse and in November she filed for D. In December I counter filed on the grounds of adultery and mental cruelty. She will have to face the truth soon. It didn't have to be this way, but it was her choice. Our marriage is probably past the point of being saved, but I will get the truth or at least enough of it to give me peace of mind and closure. Time will tell whether facing the truth will change anything between us. I'll keep my hopes high but my expectations low.<p>sad dad