My husband & I have been married for 6 years this past New Years Eve & reside in San Diego. I am somewhat older than he is. Everyone told us we knew that if we were in love, age didn’t make a difference. (In retrospect, you can’t expect someone to have wisdom about something that they never experienced.) Another reason why I decided to marry him was because he was sterile from a childhood illness, which is why his first wife divorced him. (She told me this herself.) Since I no longer can have children & my children are grown it was not an issue…then. The main reason why I married him though was because I had never met a man in my life that adored me as much as he did. He literally worshipped me. He even gave me pedicures for Pete’s sake. Anyway, he is active military & in the Navy. Last February he was stationed unaccompanied overseas in Korea until this Feb. 2002. Everything seemed fine. He even came home on leave the end of April, early May because he had to attend school not to far from here. We had a nice time together. We continued to communicate either via email or he would purchase a phone card & we’d talk the entire card. Everything was going along according to plan until Sept. 11. That morning he called to say he was ok & how much he loved me & missed me. I did not hear from him again for over a month. During this time, my daughter was scheduled for an operation for cervical cancer, & my son decided to move to New Jersey to be with his Dad so changes needed to be made at the personnel office to reflect this change. (I live in military housing). I continued to email him, but got no response from him. I knew he was getting his mail because it wasn’t being returned. I contacted his command requesting that they have him contact me as soon as possible. When he finally contacted me it was on the MSN messenger chat. It was then he informed me that the navy was investigating his private & personal life for giving a minor girl a drink at the club where he held a second job. (This was supposed to generate the money for me to go & visit over there.) He then informed me that he was no longer sterile. We had another chat session right after my daughter’s operation & I got 1 more email from him right before Veteran’s Day which said they would be having a long weekend, hope to hear from you then. I continued writing & writing & got no response. Not even over Thanksgiving. I again, contacted his command the end of December to have him contact me. I got an email 3 days before Christmas, stating he no longer loved me & wanted a separation. He not only gave me his truck, but told me where to go to file!!! Well, my reply was, “No way, you married me, you’re stuck with me, for better or worse, remember?” Well our anniversary was the worst New Year’s Eve I’ve ever had. I stayed home alone & wrote him a long letter with the lyrics to our song, I Can Love You Like That by John Michael Montgomery, & Through The Years by Kenny Rogers & a long letter that poured my heart & soul out to him. Then my internet went down until about a week ago. In the meantime, I did some investigations of my own. I found out from his detailer that he extended his overseas tour for another year. He didn’t say 1 word to me about it!! I found phone numbers for him, his job, his superiors, his chaplain, you name it, I got their numbers & all from Korea. I called him a couple of weeks ago & left a message. He called me back. We talked a little bit. He was very adamant about not being in love with me anymore. He said now that he could have kids, he didn’t want to “settle”. It was then that he told me about the extension but that he got out of the navy in September so I could stay here until then. Then he said that he wasn’t coming back to the US because he hated it here. I was devastated. I made up my mind that there was no way he was going to walk out on me without ever having to see me again or look me in the eye ever again, so I told him that I was using the income tax return to come out there. He responded, “Not under a married capacity are you?” & I told him that I’d come out there under any capacity I wanted to, that whether he liked it or not, I was still legally his wife & that’s the way it was going to stay until he filed, because I wasn’t going to. I didn’t wait until I was 40 to get married just to walk away 6 years later. I can’t imagine what happened. I have my suspicions I came across this web site which had an article about 1 spouse saving the marriage. How can I do that when I’m here & he’s there. Since then he’s been demoted & half his pay taken for 60 days, 30 days restriction & 30 days of extra duty. When I finally got my internet fixed he wrote me a letter dated 1-1-(our anniversary) saying he didn’t know if he was going to stay in the navy or not that he didn’t need the burden if he didn’t & didn’t need me “dragging him down”. I replied to that email by telling him that once & for all, I AM NOT HIS WEAKEST LINK! That he was not to disrespect me again, what’s happening to him has absolutely nothing to do with me & I was finished being his scapegoat & taking the blame for all the problems he’s created in his life. I would however be his challenge. I gave him some support in using this time to reflection & rebirth. Since then I’ve sent him a bunch of worksheets from powerquotes that have to do with things like failure, success, direction, thanks, problems, etc. Each one has a quote from someone famous & then asks you a few questions to ponder at the end. I told him that they might help him sort out his thoughts & feelings. I do not mention love or marriage, just individual growth. I don’t know what else to do until I get there. Any suggestions? I just hope that it’s not too late when I do arrive. Little does he know before I leave, I plan on making some appointments with the chaplain for counseling while I’m there. I can’t think of anything else to do except hire a private investigator of sorts when I get there to catch him in an adulterous situation. Any help would be appreciated!!!!

Sadnavywife,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. And I unfortunately don't have much to suggest other than what you are doing. How old is your H? He's acting like a child. I am a former Marine officer. I spent cumulative years overseas. I saw how that time & distance separation from the wife/family was like a lobotomy for some of the servicemen. I would definitely assume that your H is an adulterer. All the signs point that way. That does not mean he is lost to you--he's far from home, young, and lonely--they do stupid things. MB gives you some good guidelines on what to do, if you want. Also, you are right in not being the one to file. Adultery is against military law. One of the last American institutions that takes a stand there. If he wants out of the marriage, let him be the one to the dirty work. You could counterfile on very damaging grounds. I hate that this is happening to you--I am proud of my service to country and I would never have betrayed my wife. <p>I wish you the best.

Oh you poor honey! I am a former Navy wife. PooPoo head got out after 7 years. The whole atmosphere of the Navy leads to lots of icky stuff. The seperation, the infidelity that runs rampant, the people who get married for the benefits so young, it just all is so very not conducive to a stable marriage. If you want him and love him go after him. The one thing you have going for you with this is that the Navy does have control over him, and you can use this to your advantage. Hit up your base chaplin, let him know exactly what is going on and ask him to intervene with hubby's command. Don't back down, make him file (good girl), and let everybody and his commander know that you think the seperation and stress of the unaccompanied with all the other crap going on has pushed him over the edge. Not like a crazy person, but to the point of possible clinical depression which makes decision making difficult. They can order him to have an evaluation and treatment, and this might be the ticket. The one thing that doesn't add up for me is the sterile/not sterile deal. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but if one is sterile from a childhood illness, that is the end of the story. Spermies just don't magically appear one day. Just me, but maybe ask his mom? And what would make him suddenly know that he is suddenly un-sterile? Has he been informed by a little chica that he was fertile to her one evening? Check into things, don't back down, use whatever you can to keep what is yours. Not like you own him, but you know what I mean. Been there done that so I know how you feel. Email me if you want, elizabethwilkie@yahoo.com. Good luck hon, I know it isn't easy. Elizabeth