I sit alone at this computer at 12:30am typing a message that I never dreamed I would ever write.
If only I could go back 3+yrs and take the advice of others and loving encouragement of my wife to not take my relationship with the OW any farther. That would be in the best interest of all concerned. That's what my conscience told me to do but "NO" I thought I could just be a caring friend and leave it at that. "I" could handle what might come along because of that friendship. If I could only go back.........to take advantage of the numerous opportunities I had to make this right and stop the pain. I didn't do that. I said I could handle it.
If I could only go back 5 months and ignore the temptations that were coming my way. I could handle it I said.
If I could have a nickle for every lie or every misleading statement I have made I could have paid for a year of college for one of my kids. I could handle it I said.
If I could go back and erase all the pain I have caused to my wife and REALLY tried to make our marriage better than ever I wouldn't be writing this now. I would be snuggled in bed with her right now.
If I could go back and give my children back the respect and admiration they once had for their father they would not be in the place they are now. I could handle it I said.
The problem is I can't go back now but the damage is done. I could handle it I said so "What's the problem"?
The problem is that I couldn't handle it. It was much bigger than I and my senses were dulled as each day I continued my path of destruction. I could handle it I said.
If I could go back I would still be the man who was striving to be a good husband and father and set a good example for my family not least to say respect and love my wife. There are few things in this life that we can control but how we treat the ones we love is by far the greatest opportunity we have in this world to do something good.
I have broken all the rules. I kept setting boundaries for myself saying " I"m in control, no problem." only to continuously move those boundaries back again and again.
Don't feel sorry for me. I knew better I told myself. I can handle this. Well, it's almost 1am and I'm here writing this to you. I couldn't handle it.
My wife told me she hated me tonight. That from a woman who has steadfastly stayed by my side giving all her love and support for over 24yrs. That's the reward I've given her. She gave me every chance to come out of the fog but I said I could handle it. You see where I'm at right now don't you.
If I could go back and delete those few minutes of passion I could have traded them for a lifetime of those with someone who had given themselves to me in love so long ago,My wife.
If I could go back the words I say now would be worth something other than being questioned as lies or hollow promises. I had my chances but I said I could handle it. It's just a friendship I said.
I've read all the books, seen all the shows and heard all the advice and here I am. I even ignored myself. At one time I could think straight but no more.
As my wife sat crying tonight after I had "come clean" from some more deception,she said "I really need a friend right now...I wish my husband was here. I miss him." I don't know where I went to but here is not where I want to be. I want to hold and play with my grand daughter who will be 2 in a few days but I can't do that because of the hurt I've caused my own daughter. I may not even be able to be at her birthday party.
How many times can a person ask to be forgiven? How can a person forgive themselves?
Why did I put myself in this position and risk the best thing I could ever have? Why do any of us do that? Oh sure, there are some marriages that should not be saved but mine wasn't one of them. I had more love given to me by my wife than I ever deserved.
I used to laugh when my grandmother would say that "sometimes we can't see the forest for all the trees." I'm not laughing now. All I ever needed was right in front of me and I didn't take time to admire the beauty.
I'm sorry that this has been so lengthy but it's past 1am and I have nothing else to do. I just hope that at least one WS would see this and take the opportunity to "make things right" ASAP so they too won't be doing what I am doing right now.
Where I go from here isn't known. I had the "choices" many times to "right the ship" and didn't. I have beaten my wife's trust, love,emotions and self respect to a pulp. And as she said to me tonight " all I did was love you."
I pray for all of you that come to this site that somehow the light of happiness will some how shine again.<p>brw [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Brw and Mrs Brw,<p>Your post touched my heart. I don't blame your W or family. You betrayed their trust and hurt your wife in the worst way. <p>Yet through this pain, there is hope and while you can not undo your past you can rebuild your future. <p>Mrs Brw, please come here and read this info. Right now you are in a better position than most of the BS' here. Many of us wish our Ws' would be this remorseful. Mine is quite hardened. He did not even cry at his brothers furneral (his brother commited suicide a few years ago). But my H did cry when he told our son he was moving out. You know what? It was good to see him cry. Yet I also had to deal with the pain he gave to our son and myself. <p>Mrs. Brw, please step back and see if your marriage is worth saving. Your real H is there, somewhere between the pain and sorrow. He sounds like he is trying to find you also. You both need counseling to restore the trust and love. Your children and grandchildren will benefit. <p>There are several recovery stories out there, some are even grandparents like yourself. Have you read them yet? <p>I will look up my 5 stages of grieving post. I am not sure if I already shared it with you both, can you let me know? As a BS, this really helped me. <p>I truly wish the 2 of you will recover. You do have a better chance than some of us. <p>Take Care,
L.

Orchid,
You shared a link with my wife yesterday but I'm not sure what it was. It might have been the one you are speaking of.
I appreciate your words of encouragement but you cannot( I say this knowing that you do) imagine how patient my wife has been and how much hurt she has absorbed for 3yrs. I have been remorseful before only to drift back into the darkness and throw away more of her love and trust. She is a wonderful wife and human being. She didn't deserve this. As she has told me before "You (meaning me) have to want to do this to make it work.) I am just wallowing in in my own mudhole and have no one to blame but myself. I thought that I could trust myself and even that didn't work.
Thanks,BRW

Then BRW, you are 40% on your way to recovery. Yes it is up to you to show your wife that you want ot make it work. The onis is on you. Many of us BS try to bear that brunt but it is really up the WS. <p>Your recognition of that is a big step. <p>Mrs Brw, don't underestimate that step. For me it has been a 2 1/2 year ordeal. Shock lasted a long time. <p>Mrs, Brw, if you would like to communicate, I can give you my addy. Let me know. Sometimes I even share my phone #. I will be available if you need. There are many others that are helpful also. <p>Take care,
L.

brw,<p>Thanks for the posting, you have a lot to ctach up and ammends your W for her love. Radical Honesty could hurt but in the long run it is for the better. Help each other in recovery you are going to need it.

Mr. and Mrs. BRW<p>I've read many of the books too... Intellectually I know why they say people have affairs. But I really do not know what makes a person with a good and loving spouse do it. I, like many BS’s and like you Mrs. BRW, only committed the sin of loving someone.<p>My H told me that love does not protect one from making poor choices and acting stupidly. It is also not a protector. Instead love opens us to the possibility for greater pain. It was a very hard truth to swallow. But I now realize its true. <p>My best advise to you, Mr. BRW, is that you take the lead in healing your wife, your marriage and yourself. If you do this, if you give all to it, your wife will learn to trust you again. You will also be so absorbed by your marriage and your wife that you will not have the time, energy or desire to fall back into your affair.<p>One of the reasons you kept going back was that you had someone who was more then willing to help you commit this act and ruin your marriage. If that someone had not been there, and had not been so willing, you may have never gone down that road. Avoid her at all costs.<p>Mrs. BRW, what is it that you want to do at this time? It is really in your hands now. Are you willing to give him a chance?

Orchid,
I will pass your offer on to my wife. As I said in my original post she isn't with me right now.
I wish she was. She isn't far but it seems like it is.
40%..... I'm not sure that I'm that close.
The old adage applies here "Actions speak louder than words" and my actions haven't told a very good story so far.
Brw<p>
Redhat....... I'm trying but like you said the path is narrow.
Brw

brw,
Call MB first thing in the morning ... you might need marriage coach to help both of you through this. I am praying for your family. Get some rest.

Zorweb,
"Ditto" on your reply.
The power to change has always been with me but I've been too weak to use it.
My wife will have to answer your last question and right now might not be a good time.
Brw

Redhat,
I will keep that as an alternative and research it. We need the help and the prayers.
The rest, too.
Brw [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

brw,<p>You are right that right now might not be the right time to ask your wife. If I had been asked that question the first two weeks after d-day I'd have said that our marriage was over. Yet today we are in a good recovery and very happy.<p>And by the way, the reason I suggested that you take the lead in healing the marriage is because that's what my H did and it worked wonderfully.<p>I will ditto the suggestion for you to call the MB office in the a.m. to get counseling/coaching. Great idea redhat.

Zorweb,
D-day was long ago 6/99. Since then it has been those promises that have been broken on more than one occasion that really hurt. Tonight it was the truth about the last 4-5 months that broke her heart again after I had pleaded with her to give me another chance. I told her I wouldn't hurt her again. We went into the holiday in a positive mode and had what I thought were some real good times. Then it was an accidntal contact and a not so accidental contact and then the revelation tonight that the physical part of the A was more than I had admitted to. I found another posted topic here tonight by "A Husband" about the anatomy of his A that was interesting and familiar. The pain of dishonesty and poor judgement............................
brw

question for you brw...<p>I appreciate the gut-wrenching remorse you express here. I can relate...and would probably like to email if you don't mind.<p>But my question is...you admit that you knew all along it was wrong...you read all the material...but obviously, the emotional pull prevailed against all the logic and reason you were aware of.<p>Looking back...what would you done early on...to resist. You know how strong the pull was, you know the relentless battle that raged against your heart and soul and mind. A thousand times you told yourself 'enough is enough'...yet just around the next bend, that emotional surge just pulled you back in deeper and deeper. It overrode the advice and encouragement of others. It overpowered your conscience that was screaming at you. <p>I can see how the place you are in now certainly cast a new light over your expereince...enabling you to see things from another view, or, as they say around here, 'out of the fog'. <p>But looking back, have you been able to see where your avenue of escape would have been? Or were you destined to crash and burn in this place you find yourself in now?<p>
Perhaps I missed something in your post, and failed to see if what you fell prey to was a 'one-time act of passion' or was it something that was more of a long term involvement that had deep emotional roots.<p>I could really use to know your thoughts on this...<p>thanks<p>lighthouse<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: lighthouse ]</p>

brw....I just read your post and it sounded sooo much like my story. I am a WS and I know the exact things you are feeling. If we could only go back and listen to the little voices telling us not to do it. How many times can we be forgiven? Why did we betray the one person that loved us and was our best friend? I have asked myself these two questions many times. I think you answered it in your post. We thought we could handle it ourselves but we couldn't. We traded our marriage in for a few minutes of passion. I also looked at my wife everyday and would think how much I loved her and think how beautiful she was but like you I kept up the deceptions and the hurtful acts. <p> Where do you go from here? I think there are several things to do.
1.) Pray that GOD will put his arms around your wife and comfort her in a way she has never been comforted before. Pray that GOD will heal her hurt so she will be able to face the day. Pray that GOD will come into your life and change the person you have become so you can be the person you want to be.<p> 2.) Go get counseling. Maybe this will show you things that you can change. We can't change the past but we can sure change the future and change the person we have become.<p> 3.) I have read a book that might help.
"Power a Praying Husband" by Stormie Omartian. This is and excellent book that will change how you pray for your wife. <p> We miss all the little things now,(the touches, the looks, the loving feelings) but we threw it away. All we can do now is really pray for our wives and do the things we have to do to change ourselves. It is a lonnnng road ahead but just maybe God will grace us with the chance to recover the things that REALLY mean the most to us. The hurt may be too deep in our spouses but just keep your eyes on God and he will take care of our wives and us.<p> I wish ever man could read these post before they decide to trade in the things they love. I am like you in I want to spare others the hurt that I have caused and felt.<p> I am praying for all marriages and I will hold yours up today.<p> Love in Christ,<p> Cajunky<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

To Lighthouse,
I don't know where to start I guess. No, this wasn't just a moment of passion. It was a 3yr EA that had those roots you spoke of. It began by me recognizing the good in someone that I wanted to help but NOT recognizing where it was going and that I wasn't strong enough to "pull back" from the emotion strings that had been developed over time. The PA part came very late and not for long but once enough. Actually once is too much.
I believe that I was "destined" to crash because it was like I was sitting behind one of those 2-way mirrors watching myself self-destruct but more so tearing down those I said I loved. It feels as it does at this moment... I am "numb" to the pain. I see it and I do feel it but it is somewhere in me that I can't reach it. i know that sounds weird but the best I can describe it.
It becomes that addition or compulsion that takes over your thought process. You think in the beginning that what you felt was "right" will somehow be lost if you turn away now. I don't know if Ive made any sense here. I really, really don't understand myself. I do know one thing and that is I wish I could have found this site a long time ago.
Looking back the BEST thing I could have done was to not trust myself and to listen to others advice especially my wife who expressed not only concern for me but the OW, also. How freaky is that? It just goes to show want a wonderful and loving person she is and how incredibly stupid I am.
Get back to me with your reply and if needed I will e-mail. I believe the stories of others help more than anything if you can find them in time.
brw [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Cajunky,
Thank you for the post of understanding. It doesn't change what has happened but at least we know there are other "good people" out there that have "fallen from grace".
We, and especially me, have gone to a lot of counseling sessions over the last 3yrs. but I don't know if it didn't help or I wasn't listening. This program and website are much different than what we got used to. To coin a phrase my wife has said to me VERY often: "You have to want it in order for it to work." I obviously didn't want it bad enough or we wouldn't be here now. I had many, many chances to do what I had to do but didn't because I thought I was right in my initial intentions and more over that I capable of trusting myself, bottomline.
I wrote down the name of the book and went to the counseling site on here and will discuss it further with my wife. If she will listen and she has more than earned the right not to and move on with her life but I'm praying she will and we are in many other's prayers also. Things that we pray for aren't always answered in the way we hope they will. Sometimes as the song goes we can be "Grateful for Unanswered Prayers". I'm praying mine is.
Brw [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi,<p>I have a ba-zillion posts and threads here as a WS (I was also a BS, several times over)... boy, I know both sides.<p>But as a WS, I have beat myself to a bloody pulp emotionally... and I know how you feel.<p>It's been three long years since I had my affair, and I STILL struggle with the person I was when I made that awful (and fateful) decision to have an affair. As soon as I actually slept with the man I wanted to die, and felt that way for at least six months, although I never slept with him again. It did get easier, as the months, and then years passed... but... I lost my 20 yr. marriage.<p>I am now married to a man who knows all my secrets and loves me in spite of them. <p>But I do remember being up in the wee hours writing my heart out here, as you have. It is safe here, and you are welcome.<p>Do yourself a favor... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You can't be strong if you're emotionally battered and not taking good care...<p>Best wishes as you travel this road...

Hello brw,<p>Your pain is obvious in your post. You can do a lot to repair the damage your A has caused and in so doing, regain your self-respect. You say that your choices have hurt people, and you wish you had behaved differently. The question remains - Do you regret your choices enough to change your actions?<p>Your poor wife has heard all the words. She has learned that they mean nothing as far as her situation is concerned. Actions speak louder than words, and you need to show your W by your actions that you are through with OW now!<p>Are you familiar with the No Contact Letter? It is time for one. If you truly want to change what is obviously a very painful situation for yourself and your W, it is time to permanently and immediately terminate all contact with OW. This means no meetings, no phone calls, no emails - zero contact forever. Whether or not you are able to restore your W's faith in you, this action will help you restore your faith in yourself. <p>This will not be easy. You will have to endure a painful period of withdrawal from OW that could take months. But you can do it. If your W is half the woman you say she is, pray that she will stand by you a little longer as you let your actions begin to speak in your favor.<p>I hope you find the strength to write your No Contact Letter today. Show it to your W, and mail it to OW tomorrow. People here will support you all the way in your attempt to restore your M. Remember, ACTIONS!<p>Best wishes to you and your W,
Estes

new_ begining:
Thank you for the words of support and encouragement. I have been very fortunate to find this site but my only wish is that I would have come sooner. I have beaten myself, too. I have done much more to my loving wife and now I don't know if she can recover. I don't who I am now.I was never like this until I let myself get in over my head. I told my wife a little bit ago that I think I was living in an idealistic world instead of a realistic one. The realistic one I'm in now says I'm in real danger of losing my 24yr marriage. Things get so mixed up.
Thanks again,brw<p>Estes:
At this point the only one I need to be concerned about is my wife. What I have done to her self respect and self worth is a travesty beyond words.
I will have to rely on her to give me ANOTHER chance to prove myself and that may be a difficult thing to do for her. I have as you said given so much "lip service" to changing my ways that it is hard to tolerate for her. Your right...
actions are the key.
The contact letter: I did that 21/2 yrs ago long before we new about MB's and have done similiar things since but never followed through to end it.
Again...actions.
brw [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]