Our D-day was 12/12/01. She has not committed to breaking contact with OM. We remain friends but she has talked of moving out with our 3 kids and that will test the what is left of the relationship. Following is the letter she sent me and she is expecting a response. I am currently carrying out plan A. I will admit some of this does not make me look good, but she did not once in our 10 years of marriage tell me she was unhappy. That being said I am an insensitive [censored] and overcoming that is a big part of plan A. I can read the words but I am having a problem with her state of mind. How much effect does the A have on it? And how much does it effect the actual words? I have to make some big decisions here and was hoping for some insight. So here it goes, I wrote her a note on the progress I was making with plan A and this was her response....<p>That's the most you've ever told me probably in the ten years we've been
married! Why did it take THIS to make you open up?<p>I'm trying not to resent you, but I think I still do. I know I'm the one
that is having the affair, but I can't get past all the hurt that I've felt
over so many years. Stuff is still coming back to me. And I know according
to all your books this is all supposed to happen...I will continue to bring
up all kinds of little things to 'justify' my affair, but you know what? I
can't help how I feel. I never realized how sensitive I am, but I keep
thinking about so many little things you said or did (or didn't say or do),
and how they made me feel unloved. I always felt like you thought you
'settled' when you married me. I wasn't as thin or as pretty as other girls
you admired (Beth, Stephanie, etc.), but since we were always 'good friends'
I figured it was enough. I can remember countless times going to parties
and driving home and hearing you say, "Beth looked good, didn't she?", or "I
like so-n-so, isn't she cool?". I never told you how much that hurt. Why
couldn't you ever say I looked cute? You weren't too generous with the
compliments, and when you finally gave one out, it usually wasn't to me.<p>I think the whole 'good friends' thing was another big part of our problem.
I always thought our relationship was better or stronger because we were
friends. We could talk about anything....the automotive market, bowling,
current events, etc. But I never felt like you were IN LOVE with me. Not
ever. I felt like one of your buddies. That's probably why I fit in so
well when we played pokers, etc. Because you treated me like one of your
buddies.<p>I was so starved for love. All those years, I wanted more attention from
you. And not just when we hit the sheets. In fact, because I rarely got
any other attention, I really started to resent the sex too. Big time.
When we lived in Auburn Hills, and I would go to bed to read for a little
bit while you were out watching t.v., I used to 'pretend' to fall asleep
with the light on, because I knew if I turned the light off, you would come
ripping into bed ready for some fun. I HATED YOU FOR THAT. I hated how you
could pretty much ignore me all night while you watched t.v., but boy-oh-boy
when that light turned off in the bedroom I was your best friend. It was
all about you, wasn't it? Your needs. Your need for sex. Never a thought
about what I needed.<p>And that's my fault too. I didn't know how to TELL YOU what I needed. I
think I tried in my little ways, but I didn't hit you over the head with a
phone book. We were so young, I didn't understand how it all worked. I
figured you were supposed to know. You were supposed to pay attention. God
knows I paid attention to you. I used to try and anticipate anything you
would need, and figure out a way to give it to you. Remember when you used
to say, "I need some more pants, these are getting old." I would go out THE
NEXT DAY and bring you home several pair to try on, then return the ones you
didn't like. Then after we had Kelly I couldn't do that as much (and
honestly, I started to get tired of it), but I still felt like I took on the
lion's share of taking care of the house, the baby, etc., while still
working full-time like you. All those years of feeling that way built up a
lot of resentment, and although I appreciate how hard you're trying, I can't
turn off the well inside me. I have to let it run its course.<p>You asked me before what I need now. I told you. I need time and space.
So far we're o.k. on the time, but I still need my own space. But I'm not
leaving without the kids. And I know you don't want to leave them either.
I'm just telling you Jeff, this is not getting any closer to being resolved
while we still walk around each other like roommates. And I'm sorry I
called John last night, but he's hurting too, and he is my friend and I
won't turn my back on him. I'm not going to stop talking to him, and I'm
sorry if that hurts. But I want you to know so many of the feelings inside
me are NOT because of him. They go back so many years, and now that I'm
starting to let them out, I have to face each one of them and figure out
where my blame was too, and figure out a way to heal myself first. Can you
understand that? This isn't all about YOU and how YOU need to work on
yourself. I guess I need my own Plan A, so I can be the kind of person I
want to be. But I don't think it's going to happen while we live in the
same house, and pretend like everything is fine. I'm still bottling things
up inside, trying in my pathetic way to 'protect' you from any more hurt. I
think I need to try to live without you, and be the person I want to be,
then go from there.<p>What do you think?<p>I'm glad you went to that church meeting, and if you need to go to the RCIA
program again, I think that's great. It's funny you mentioned that, because
I remember when I was going through the classes when we were first married,
and as my sponsor, you only went to the classes that you were REQUIRED to go
to, whereas other sponsor's went with their candidates to every single
meeting. When I would see other sponsor's show up at ALL the meetings, and
you wouldn't come with me unless you were required to, guess what? Yep. I
resented you for that too. It hurt me that you wanted me to go to these
classes, but couldn't get your butt off the couch to come with me. Again,
another reason I felt unloved. I don't mean to hurt you so much, but I
don't know how to get through these feelings unless I get them out.
Obviously I have issues I'm dealing with too.<p>I guess we can talk more this weekend. I think we both need to move forward
with our lives, we just have to figure out the best way to do that. I will
do ANYTHING for those kids, so please don't think I'm 'so confused' right
now and 'so in love with the other guy' that I don't care about anything
else. That's not true, and I think deep down, you know that. I want what's
best for everybody, including myself.<p>Thanks for listening.

wow -- I could've wrote that letter.
So many things struck a cord with me.<p>I guess all of us WS go through a "justification" process. I think its a way to cope with the guilt and fear. But at some point you convince yourself of all of this -- and I don't know how you overcome it. <p>The thing is, a lot of BS's will say its re-writing history. That "all of a sudden" the BS becomes a spouse thats been terrible all along. Even though the WS never said anything.<p>I don't agree with that. You know why? Because my H would totally agree with my analysis of our relationship. I'm not re-writing history. Just re-visiting it. Trying to understand how we got from content to miserable. And for a long time, not being sure I could go back and settle for content anymore.

Gee - I could have written it too - <p>Before you really get critical of your wife not telling you she was unhappy, I recommend Anna2000's thread on Emotional needs
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=007543<p>All of us respond to neglect differently. I didn't go out and have an affair. There has been opportunity though, but as soon as I caught on where my head was I shut down all fantasies, so that not even in my dreams would I possibly betray my husband. <p>But when he failed to meet my needs, I removed all opportunity for him to do so - I became ultra-self-sufficient. Your wife saying she won't dump OM is like me saying I won't leave my job or my music, because I don't trust that he will step in and meet the emotional needs that these two things fill for me. <p>Only my husband working an impeccible Plan A, working to provide an income for the family and eliminating love busters will help lower my defenses in time. And it will take TIME. The same goes for your wife. It will take you living an impeccible Plan A and giving your wife twice as long as you think it will take to win her over again. <p>At the same time, you must stand your ground regarding the children - I wouldn't allow my son to go with my husband if he were hanging with another woman. And until she were agreeing to an impeccible NO CONTACT with OM while separated but still married, I wouldn't advise it for you. <p>I'm not the best communicator; I went for so long having my feelings hurt because my husband seemed to ignore things that to me were obvious considerations that a kind loving husband would pay attention to. Obviously it was not OBVIOUS to him and I needed to learn to speak up and not assume he should KNOW that sex after a fight was not a good idea and that angry outbursts were hurtful, etc. etc. etc. <p>Have you tried phone counseling with the Harleys and your wife? She sounds frustrated but not closed in her letter.

I've gotta echo Lexxxy's wow -- WOW. My W could've written that letter...well, pieces of it anyway, I think. She never has so I don't know what's really going on with her. But, I could easily write a companion "rebuttal" letter that sounded just as pitiful from my point of view as well...<p>You wanted advice-- <p>You have to acknowledge that she just poured her heart out... maybe for the first time? I found it encouraging that she was accepting some blame for the way things were. She also didn't say that your M was over, or that she was certain she could never love you again. <p>You should not give a rebuttal or try to explain your actions. If you've read the Harley materials then you know the hurtful games you've been playing with each other probably without understanding the consequences. <p>You can't tell her what you're doing in plan A, it has to be visible in your actions.<p>I find it interesting that in "visiting" history only the events that support the current bad feelings of the WS toward BS tend to come up. Truthfully I (BS) do the same. When I'm feeling down I tend to focus on the present (and past) bad stuff. It's not the whole story, but it's the part that I dwell on. Bad feedings seem to imprint themselves very strongly on my mind so that I never truly forget them.<p>That's what Plan A is for. You have to put lot's of good stuff front and center continuously to counteract this load of bad memories. It takes TIME. <p>You should take note of the last line <p>Thanks for listening<p>You need to do a lot of this. It really seems like she's reaching out in this letter, but not guaranteeing anything. Not sure what she means by "space".<p>BTW I went to HS in the town mentioned in the letter (had a different name back then). That and seeing my name in the letter gives this post an eerie feeling.<p>Jeffers<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: jeffers ]</p>

Hi,<p>One of the points made in Weiner-Davis's "Divorce Remedy" is that you should believe nothing said by WS, and only 50% of their actions - because they're in such a great deal of pain and confusion.<p>I think that's partly true. I also agree with the other posts, that the WS's reality is completely valid, and must be empathized with. Regardless of how badly they perceive their treatment, however, one must also acknowledge that choices abound in this world, and the choice to have an A is the worst possible choice for everyone involved.<p>My WW has expressed similar sentiments. But with time, I think she's slowly starting to realize that she contributed at least 50% to the current problem. She at times even accepts more. But she still uses the past to defend the present - a clear defence mechanism.<p>My advice is to respond by ACTION, not so much by words. Words, especially in the early stages, are easily taken out of context by an emotional WS. If you want to respond, consider it in the form of a note so that you can think carefully about the wording. Focus on non-judgemental statements, etc. If you post a draft here, I'm sure you'll get some valuable input.

Thanks for the responses. You know I have been trying to figure out what I want to say. I love her so much I dont want to come off as abrasive. I think I will take the advice and post it here first. Stay tuned.

Don't get discouraged by this letter. Radical Honesty, right. W has poured herself out to you, now you know where she stands in all of this. I think she is trying to tell you something, like "this is what it is going to take for us to work things out." It's a slap in the face, that is for sure, but some good can be made out of this.<p>Be very careful how your respond to this. I cant really tell you what to say, hopefully other MB-ers here can help you do that. I think that how you respond will have a huge influence on how things work out from here.<p>Personally, I would take this letter and a copy of the EN and LB questionaires and try and fill it out from your W's perspective. W has told you what her needs are, I think this will help you get an idea of what you need to do in Plan A. Also, probably try and refrain form mentioning MB and all the other stuff you are doing to better yourself. I think a lot of WS's will discount this stuff, let your action speak for themselves.<p>Be strong, I wish my W would write me a letter like that, sure would help me out a lot.

ineed,<p>You have been given very good advice. I read that letter and thought Wow! she didn't really lay it on him. She was explaining how things you "didn't" know hurt her.<p>Yes, as someone above said, the WS rewrites history, but as someone else pointed out one way to rewrite it to simply leave the "good" stuff out and focus on the bad. I think she did that.<p>Personally, if I were to respond to her, I would say simply "Thank You and I am soo sorry for not knowing and not being the H I should have been."<p>I would then ask her if she would continue to write me letters like this and even ask me questions so that I can answer for her what I felt.<p>You see Ineed you weren't very good at reading minds and neither was she. She assumed that you didn't love her and found other woman more attractive. I'll bet she was surprised to find out that you would hang in there even in the face of an affair. You might ask her if your respsonse to her affair surprised you?<p>It seems to me that she is more comfortable talking with you via the written word. Do it that way and encourage her to keep writing you and venting. I think she will see her way if she does.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: Hang on to those letters. The information in them will be very valuable to your Plan A. You now know that she is a lousy mind read as well. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

OK for those of you following along I tried to put as much heart felt effort into this that she did. I am not sure what my purpose was but I want her to understand me as much as she wants me to understand her. I know this is critical but I have to start somewhere. There is some personal stuff in here so dont blush too much.<p>OK that was a response. I really appreciate you being so upfront and honest with me. I like this way of communicating with you so if you dont mind I want to respond. <p>That's the most you've ever told me probably in the ten years we've been
married! Why did it take THIS to make you open up?
Kath I dont think it would have taken THIS for me to open up. I think it would have taken you to tell me that you were not happy with our marriage. But that does not matter now, the fact is that THIS did happen. I am trying to read between the lines and see through the smoke of what happened and its communication like this that really helps. I want to make you happy, I guess I wasn't sure if opening up to you would make you happy. I did not want to make waves either. How many nights did I go to bed frustrated? How many times did I tell you? none! How many times did I came home so pissed about my work but did not want to bore you with my problems? I felt like I was doing the noble thing by taking it in and not burdening you with it. Does that make sense?<p>I know I have some shortcomings in my personality Kath. I am not perfect. I did not know how to do those things for you that you wanted. I still dont, but I know who can help me, its you! Do you think that I would have hurt you on purpose, ever? The entire time you have known me have I ever puposefully been vindictive or mean to you? You know why, because I loved you, and I did not want to hurt you. Kath if you have any reservations about that, think back on how I reacted to all this. Think back to the first thing you told me. "Jeff I am not in love with you". It wasn't "Jeff I am going to leave you" or even "Jeff I am seeing someone else." It was simply "I am not in love with you". That is what hurt the most. That somehow I had let the love of my life fall out of love with me. So what did I do, I had to figure out how to tell you that you were wrong about me. I didn't know what to do. Nobody had showed me or explained to me what to do to show someone you love them. I was panicked, I grasped at straws. I was lost and confused, but to do nothing was not un-acceptable. I started to read that poetry, it helped me clarify some of my thoughts. It said what I should have been telling you, but did not know how. I started to write, it helped me concentrate. Do you remember that? All of that was before I knew anything about John. If I had any of my own doubts about how I felt about you it came perfectly clear to me then. Because you are right, you can not change how you feel. I still feel that way, I am hopelessly in love with you. Why do you think I am trying so hard now.<p>As for the things that hurt you I have to admit that now that I think about it I am an insensitive jerk. And I am sorry for being that way. But you have to understand that if you would have told me any of this then I would have known that it hurt you. Do you think I would have continued to do it? Do you think that I would have intentionally said anything that would hurt your feelings, that would risk our relationship together? I want to believe that I would have never have done that. Although I am sure there might be a couple of cases over the ten years that I have done it. You said yourself you miss calculated me. That you wished that you made up this whole story to get me to understand how you felt, and that we could open up this exact kind of communication.<p>So were am I now. I am not ready to let you off the hook. I do not know what you like. I do not know how to show you love. I was always so afraid to do anything like that for fear of being rejected. Did I do it right? Even when I declared that I was going to tell you that "I Love You" every day for lent. Did you ever say to me "Jeff I love it when you tell me that you love me. It makes me feel good about myself and my love for you." Oh my God, anything like that and I would not have had any problems. I would have thought I found the golden nugget that I was looking for. Instead I wasn't sure how it made you feel because you never told me. It made me feel awkward, and when you feel that way you sort of put it off and away and if there are no complaints its stays there. You said you were starved for love but you did not use me to satisfy your appetite. You assumed that everyone simply knows how to show it. That somehow it is inbred. If you feel it , then it shouldn't be too hard to show it. I wish that was the case. Kath, you got to understand the house I grew up in. There just was not the outpouring of physical affection. The exact thing that you need was not done in our house, I have no role model for this. All I can tell you is that I know more now than I did before, and there is no way I will let you go without telling me what you like and dont like. Especially the stuff you like. That is really the key isn't it. I love you so much I want to do things that make you happy, but I cant do it without your help.<p>I dont know what to tell you about the comments about other women, or the comment about "I settled". I do believe though that if you could step into my body and could feel in my heart what I felt for you that you would not have those insecurities, that you would have known how much more you were to me than someone else. That it was so far beyond anything that I have ever felt for anyone before or since. This is not a new feeling either. I knew that I was truly in love when you were having those MRI's done on your head. It was then that the thought of losing you was unbearable to me, and I finally in the first time in my life knew that what I was feeling was actually love.<p>Again I admit I have been insensitive in the past. The whole sex thing could have been avoided if I could have figured out what it was that made you happy. But think about some of the things that I did for you too Kath. I have spent practically my whole life trying to get approval from the people I love, why do I need the approval? Because that is the only time that I get the feel for how someone feels about me. I am not just talking about you here, my entire college experience boils down to the fact that my dad did not think I could do it. He drove me with negative reinforcement. Does that sound familiar? Nothing was ever good enough so I kept going. He got what he wanted that way, but now I am saddled with the same tendencies. Its what drives me. Remember that house, I wanted you to be so proud of our house. Do you think I would have done any of those things if you were not there. I didn't stop at anything trying to make that little place something that you and I could be proud of. Your little car. I babied that little car, polishing it for you every year so it would look new. Re doing all those dressers. Trying to get the most out of every dollar. Remember that cabinet I built. I was so proud of that thing. Doing all those chair rail moldings in the bedrooms, sanding that floor by hand, putting up all those boards onto the wall in the living room, replacing all those windows, painting the outside. That deck, the pool. Those are the things that I was taught to do Kath. That was how I was showing you that I loved you and I knew if you liked it that you loved me. Like you it was harder to do after the kids came, but I didn't know how else to show it. And it was not a concious decision. It wasn't like I said I got to tell Kathy I love her today I will change her oil!<p>So now what. You said you cant stop the well, the well of what? resentment? I can except that. I also respect your need for space. I want you to know that although I respect your decision I dont want you to leave. You say that being by me you feel that you cant express your true self. When that is really all I ever wanted. I do not want you to move Kath. I know you dont think you are getting anywhere but this right here is proof that you are. Look Kath my whole world are you and those kids. You have to admit that I was blindsided by all this. You can blame me for all the past indescretions but God Damn It ( forgive me lord) I did not know. Now to talk about taking those kids away also, that is ....... <p>It seems that you think I am in some type of denial. That I am acting as if nothing is wrong. Believe me its a lot of work to do that. Put yourself in my shoes for two seconds and you will see what I mean. I am walking around the house terrified that I will say the wrong thing because you refuse to tell me what is going on with you. I see your in conflict and I want to help. Even though I know there is not a lot I can do. But I dont want to hurt things either. You think we are walking around like roommates, I wish that is what it was like. I dont know what the right answer is. I know you are turning to him for support and answers. But if you have resentment toward me why dont you ask me some of your questions. You want to know what is in my heart, why dont you ask. You have insecurities toward some of my actions I would like to know what they are. Let me reassure you. I need to know how to do that. My plan A is about me but I need you to help guide the way. The person I want to be is the one that makes you happy. I know your probably saying to yourself "this [censored] just does not get it!" well your probably right. But like you said I want what is best for everybody also, and I know my mission in this life is be the best husband and father that I can be. I lost sight of that somewhere along the way because I was ignorant (not knowing) to it. But I have been schooled, if I ignore this lesson I go from being ignorant to being stupid. So now I pray every day to God to give me the strength to keep that goal in mind.<p>OK off the box now. Look this is some heavy stuff, and I wish I could put myself in your shoes as you read this to know if you take the meaning of what I said in the way that I intended. But I cant. I really appreciate this though, I mean you gave me some hard pills to swallow but that is exactly what I want to know. I like this form of communication also. If you dont mind I am going to keep doing it.<p>
I love you

INAB,<p>I'm sorry for your pain and the circumstances that brought you here. No one deserves to be betrayed this way. <p>I too could have written your W's letter, but the thing is, I am a BS. Most of what she had to say really struck a chord with me.<p>Yes, she may be trying to justify her A by re-visiting her years of resentment of you, and altho I beleive it was her responsiblity to tell you most of these things she was resenting (as I should have too), I beleive you NOW have all the information necessary to correct your part.<p>She has pretty much drawn you a precise map back to her heart, all you have to do now is follow it. <p>God bless and strength to you, INAB.<p>Love,
Jo

Double post, sorry.<p>Jo<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Ineedabreak<p>Boy can I relate to what your wife wrote. I could have written that about my previous marriage. (There was also a lot in that marriage that was a lot worse too.) I've only been in my current marriage for less then 2 years and I can tell you that this is something I am fighting? this is typical male behavior towards a wife. Once they've married her all the work of courting etc is done. She should know that he loves her, after alll he's still married to her. <p>I did tell my xH very clearly over and over what how I was feeling and what I needed. He simply did not care enough to pay attention (from my point of view.) The day finally came where I gave up and stopped telling him. Why would I continue? In my current marriage I am telling my H what my needs are per MB concepts. But I can tell you it takes more then just telling.. There are, even now, a few aspects that are just not being heard, or if heard not acted upon. This is a trap that leads down a slippery path to discontent if not carefully guarded against.<p>Here's a link to an article that I think you will be interested in. It explains a lot of what our wife is saying. It seems that there is an epidemic of women walking away from their marriages these days. Why? IMHO it's because of the things addressed in the below article and in your wife's email. In past generations women stayed in unhappy marriages because they had no choice. Today women have choices. They do not have to stay. I've read that studies show that marriage is very good for men. It is very bad for women. The incidence of depression in married women is very high. It is very low in single women. Women do better single then they do married. The dynamics between men and women have to change in order for marriages to continue to thrive in our society.<p><a href="http://www.weiner-davis.com/forumlinks5.html" target="_blank">
The Walkaway Wife Syndrome</a><p>Right now I'm reading Getting Through to the Man you Love and next will be Divorce Busting <p>The Getting Through to the Man You Love would be for your wife (guy's should not read it 'cause it's for women only ? lol ). Let's face it. Most women have no clue how to communicate with men. And most men would just as soon not communicate, at least not verbally. So it's very frustrating and women very often just give up after years of trying. You say that your wife never told you how she felt. She says that she tried to in her own way. I have found that I can talk till I'm blue in the face and then realize that I am not even being listened to. For the guys? this is not a male bashing book.. if anything it tells women to stop blaming it all on their H and to stop trying to talk to their H's like they were part of the lady's coffee clutch. It's a very insightful book. I am embarrassed to say that I see myself all over those pages? yikes!<p>The second book, Divorce Busting is for you.<p>Both of these books are great supplements to the MB books and concepts.<p>I suggest that you read the Walkaway Wife article before you write your response to your wife. Yes WS tend to rewrite history. But I believe any BS is WRONG in totally dismissing what is said. There are some truths in there, things that need to be taken care of. Acknowledge your wife's past hurts. Apologize for them without making excuses (leave all the 'buts' out).<p>Do post your reply here so a sanity check.<p>Hope this helps.<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Here's my take on your response:<p>Some of it really really good. But until she has invited you to share with you what she's done wrong or asked you for how she can better meet your needs, she's not likely to really hear you, and may build up more ammunition against you. Sad to say but I have yet to meet a WS or OP who had the least bit concern for the BS in the picture. <p>The best you can hope for is to live an impeccible Plan A, an validate her by thanking her for the feedback and showing her that you are willing to step up to the plate and do your best. <p>I have been working a fair to middling Plan A for 7 years. Somedays are better than others. I forgot about him meeting my needs altogether. I can honestly say that seven years ago, I was enduring three or four major trauma lovebuster battles from him per week - sometimes more. Now, we're down to a very mild lovebuster tiff maybe once every one or two months. At least he's not making the heavy withdrawls now. And he is recognizing how low his account is with me and has concerns and desire to replenish his account with me. He's also taking huge steps to prohibit himself from making deposits in anyone else's love bank, or allowing them access to his account. <p>I also wanted to tell you that depression will play a major role in the speed of recovery - my husband battles with severe depression during the winter - but not as bad this year - we got the full spectrum lights in our home and I bought a treadmill so that I could meet his need for a more attractive spouse (weight challenge). He's using it and the oxygen cardio workout is really making a difference. This is our best year since our first year together! So there is hope - but we've also been married 17 years, if that helps you guage things at all.

I know this thread is getting long but I had a chance to re think my response and wanted some input. <p>I thought long and hard about how to respond to your e-mail. I ended up writing 3 pages of heartfelt soul searching. Looking into my past to try and explain why I possess certain characteristics that I do. Reminding you that it wasn't all bad. Etc, Etc.....<p>When I got done reading it, I realized that you may miss my intention. Which is.... "I Love You" more than my own life. I feel the same way about Kelly, Jake, and Jonny. About you moving out, of course I dont want that, I believe that this kind of communication is a powerful example of us trying to understand each other so that we can move forward. Even though it might not be a consciuos decision to do so, it still has that effect. That being said I understand your need and I wont stand in your way. What I do ask is that we leave it up to a professional child counselor or psychologist to help us figure out what is the best for the kids. This will have a psychological impact on them. We will have to be smart enough to put our own selfishness aside so we can minimize the impact on them. I agree to do this.<p>I committed myself to you, our marriage, and our family a long time ago and my committment has only gotten stronger through all of this. I have a plan to break down the wall of resentment that you hold for me, I believe our marriage will be so much stronger than it ever was. Kath this is not possible while you are still in contact with him, I am afraid you will always have resentment toward me while relying on him. <p>I love you,

I think that is better except that you do not acknowledge what she told you. She just poured her heart out to you and your response is to ignore it and talk about your love and what you want for the kids. At this point she does not really care what you want. If she did, she would not be in an affair.<p>I suggest that you add a short paragraph about how you are glad that she has opened up to you. That you can see the hurt and sorrow in her heart and it touched you very much. That you are sorry for your contribution to the state your marriage is in.<p>She wants to be acknowledged. If you do not do that now, she will clam up forever.<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Well I guess like eveyone else that strikes a chord in me. As a few people have said, my wife could have written almost the same letter. <p>I think your second revision sounds much better. perhaps the only thing I would maybe consider changing is a line which may even be remotely mistaken as condescending ( I dont take it as such) or assuming too much.<p>"When I got done reading it, I realized that you may miss my intention. " maybe:
When I got done reading it, I realized it may come across the wrong way.<p>That might be a dumb change, it is what I might change, bue Im pretty paranoid about everything I say or write to my WW these days.<p>I hope things turn out the best.. I'd like to have encouragement that my marriage can be saved too.