I am just feeling so blah today.<p>Nothings changed, it feels kind of like nothing will. We seem to be just co existing. No "talks" lately. (Is it possible that I miss them?) We are pleasant with each other, laugh with our son. Get the housework done. Make meals. Watch TV. Go to bed. Get up and do it all over again.<p>He has'nt said anything more about moving out, though I am sure it is still on his mind, I just don't know if he's still looking for a place or is just letting it go for a bit due to finances.<p>I went over to a friends last Sat night. I drank to much. When I got home I fell asleep on the couch, he woke me up at about 1 AM and told me to go to bed. I did, when I climbed into bed he told me he was worried about me. I guess he thinks I am drinking to much. I'll admit I drink more than I used to. I do need to cut back, but I guess part of me feels entitiled. It does numb the pain. <p>I guess thats part of my problem today. I feel a bit numb. I feel a bit disconnected from myself, from my life. Obviously I am disconnected from my husband. There was a time when I would have never thought that possible, I felt my connection with him was so stedfast and secure.<p>What kind of horrible mate must I have been to have driven such a good, honest, loving and commited man so far away from me, and turned him into a person he never expected or imagined he could be. What is wrong with me that I could have taken all that love he tried to offer me and ignored it. Turned a cold shoulder to him, made him feel taken for granted, unloved, undesirable and finally misrable enough that he felt our marriage was so completly dead that the arms of another woman were irresistable to him. <p>And there seems to be nothing I can do now. He just can't get "it" back. He can't find the energy to try. He is done.<p>I talked to Steve Harley last Friday. For a little while I felt better. But of course he would like to talk to my H. I have not been able to find a good time to bring this up. He is so resistant to doing anything that may be interpreted by me as a sign of hope. <p>Is that kind of him. Maybe, in a way, trying not to lead me on.<p>Oh my, maybe I am just tired today, maybe it's PMS. I feel a crying day coming on and I really don't want one. Thanks for "listening" to my woes today. My ramblings. I just so wish I could call him and tell him I love him and miss him. <p>That I need a hug.

just thoughts<p>don't know how long you have been doing this but from someone who did it at least a yr too long, you can only live this way for so long.<p>just remember it was his choice, he choose to look outside your marriage, he choose to have A, you did not push him into her arms<p>Plan A, Plan A until you can't do it anymore or things get better & then it is sort of a way of life

Needing...
Strange you sound like me when Im depressed too. Though as a male Im pretty sure I can't use PMS as an reason for it. (Sorry that was meant to make you smile.)<p>I've said practically everything you wrote to myself also. My dear wife is not a bad person, I know the fault is mine for driving her to seek solace with another man. We know our WS are not bad people they aren't the "type" to cheat. Your WH isnt a bad person, though he did something very wrong. I did and still do the same as you are, I put my WW on a pedestal I thought of her as practically perfect. But face it our spouses are not perfect, they made a series of bad decisions. <p>Yes I think you and I both have to take some blame for not doing our part in the marriage. I know a lot of whats wrong in mine is my own fault, but that just makes me more determined to hang in there and fix it. Remember to take the blame for YOUR part of this mess, but NOT his.<p>We made a bad choices that cause the fracture in the marriage and they made the worse choice that broke it. But WE can help them fix it. Try not to loose hope.

Needing, <p>I know some of what you are going thru, especially the drinking to numb the pain. I am a recovering alchoholic/drug addict and had 9 yrs sobriety when D-Day happened. I have been occasionally imbibing (Christmas Eve, New Years Eve) on the sly when my WW also drinks. I even shared a bottle of wine with her at a restuarant. She is a litle worried I will start regular active drinking again, but I know my limits and also realize the stupidity of my addiction. Further, I know drinking is a major LB and my marriage is more important than my addiction.<p>You wrote:<p>And there seems to be nothing I can do now. He just can't get "it" back. He can't find the energy to try. He is done.<p>As Cali told me, it's not over til it's over and then it's not over. There is alot you can do, but unfortunatley showing your pain to your WS is not part of it. So keep sharing your pain here, and trying to take pleasure in the fact that you still have an intact family unit. Love your son, get joy there.<p>Has your H read "SAA"? If not, a suggestion there might help. Or, you might try working the EN questionnaire.<p>In my situation, my WW keeps saying she "is dealing with it" (the A) but as I see it, she is not and A continues. She won't clue me in, and I don't ask for right now.<p>I just try to be attractive to her, in a consistent and stable way. That's what she needs.<p>Please hang in there, for your son, if not for your H. But if and when you can't take it anymore, you know you have options.

Thanks to all for your replies. I know my post had no real point.<p>I am just feeling down today. It seems like he is going more and more into withdrawl. Not necessarily from the OW but from our M. <p>I just guess I wonder what it would be like to laugh together again. To have a conversation that does not turn into a battle over our marriage. To snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie, instead of feeling like the Grand Canyon is in between us. To feel his arms around me and have him offer me comfort and care.<p>I am feeling a bit lonely and sad today. It's not always like this. My feelings anyway. I actually have up days. This just is'nt one of them.<p>I'm not ready to throw in the towel. Not by a long shot. I do know that I am in this alone right now though, and it's hard, so very hard to be the only one of the two of us, who wants this marriage. <p>I'll be better though, have to go pick up our son from preschool soon. Then we have picture night for his T-ball team. That should be fun.<p>Maybe I can talk to him tonight about his talking with Steve, I just know he is not going to like the idea.<p>Thanks again for always being there. All of you can be such lifesavers. Maybe I wont talk to him tonight, maybe it's a bubble bath with the bathroom door locked kind of night instead.

I'm not sure what else I want to say here. I guess I just feel a need to talk and am a little afraid to talk to H. (If you read this honey, please don't take it the wrong way. I want to share with you, I just don't really know how right now, today.)<p>My H gets very upset when I don't share my feelings with him. I am feeling very lonely and afraid today and do not know how to express myself to him without upsetting him or getting into a "relationship talk". <p>I know he cares very much about me, he does love me, he just does not feel that passionate love for me. He worries about me, I know he means it when he says this. I do not think he is being false or trying to assauge his guilt. But how do I tell him how lonely and depressed I am feeling today without sounding needy and clingy. Cause it's not a needy clingy kind of loneliness. Oh, I'm sure this does'nt make any sense to anyone. I am just babbling.<p>I hate this. Feeling so alone. I have friends, I have talked to my best friend and my mom today. But how much of this crap can you lay on a friend. I know they love me and will listen thru anything, but they have their own problems, and the one friend I have been talking to the most through all of this has plenty of her own M issues to deal with. And I really don't want alot of well intentioned advise that goes against my gut feelings. (i.e. "you have done more than most, you can leave with a clear concience")<p>
Communication, my bottling up my feelings, my depression, these are all issues my H has had w/our M. I am sick and tired of talking about the A. I don't want to anymore. I want to talk about us. I want to just tell him how I feel right now today, but I am just so sure he is going to either take it the wrong way and turn it around to being about the A, or he is going to close up and not want to talk to me at all. After all, as he has said many times, he has made his intentions clear. He says he is leaving me, he says he is done with this marriage. <p>So what do I do, believe that he is worried about me and talk to him about how I feel today.<p>Or believe that he is done with this marriage and have a bottle if wine in the tub with the door locked.

Dear Needing, I know how you are feeling. My H. is the same way, I know he cares about me, he is sad he hurt me and worries about me but is not "in love" with me. It is a very lonely feeling, not just being needy but a feeling down to the core of our being. Wanting them to feel that way again and loving them and they can't quite understand. Just know that people here do understand, I can't tell my friends everything either, they haven't been thru it so don't know how it feels. Don't give up yet.

Thanks Day by Day,<p>Yeah, that's it. It's not depression, it's not just loneliness, it's not just fear of the future. It's all of those things and soemthing I just can't describe. I'ts a new feeling that I can't find a word for. It's not hopelessness, because I still do have hope. Oh, I just don't know. <p>All I really do know is that I am lucky to have found such a great place so full of caring, giving and sympathetic people. I would probably be either divorced or in an insane asylum by know if it was'nt for all of you good people.

Needing... you are definately not alone. Your posts really do hit in my heart because they have run through my head since I found out also. Its all a ball in your chest, or is it an empty spce and it makes one feel so empty and drained. Its all thees feelings for me and I go between them an not feeling anything at all. I'm sick of feeling it all. <p>its amazing how lonely you can be with your spouse right next to you. I dont want her sympathy or her pity. I want my wife and all that means. <p>Have you thought about talking to a therapist yourself? I am and it helps a little bit. I am not quite in that state of feeling as much anymore, but it still is all inside. Try to keep hope.<p>If your H is willing to talk about your feelings perhaps you should? I dont remember if you were seeing a MC would it be easier to talk about your feelings with someone else there?

Hangin In,<p>I think I came close to figuring out what I'm feeling last night.<p>Loss. Loss of my best friend, my partner, my husband. Loss of feeling so close to another human being. Loss of my utter faith in him and trust in him as a man. A man who would never, ever hurt me.<p>I feel an intense loss with my H sitting 2 feet away from me on the couch. All I want to do is lay my head on his shoulder have him put his arms around me and take comfort from all of the strength I know he has. But I can't, that is lost for me now.<p>It is definatly more than loneliness, it's loss.<p>I have talked to Steve Harley, and am planning on talking with him again. Right now I am waiting for my H to decide if he will speak with him. He said we could talk about it more tonight. That's more than he's agreed to in the past.<p>I guess I just keep hoping and praying that my H finds a little will to love again.