I have two questions that I could use some advise on.<p>Quick update...WH says no contact with OW for 10 wks (I have no way of knowing-OW many states away). Says he is trying, but it is hard to get motivated when can&#8217;t get OW out of his mind. Fog is thick. Attempting to introduce him to the 4 rules of marriage and poja without being &#8220;pushy&#8221;. Trying not to love bust &#8211; but had set back recently during counseling session.<p>I understand Plan A is avoid LB and meet EN when WS will allow. So my question is...How do I approach to meet EN? Or do I? Do I initiate recreational activities or SF or should I let WH come to me? <p>Also, what do you do with a MIL who LB for you? She and I are close and she will lecture WH when she gets a chance. I know she means well, she is afraid I will give up and she somehow wants to snap him into reality. I don't think this is good. Any ideas?<p>Any and all suggestions are welcome. Thanks.

^^bump^^<p>My advice for MIL is dependent upon your relationship w/ her. I introduced my MIL to MB and had her read the basic concepts... then I told her that her "advice" etc., was LB to H and that if she could hold her tongue it might be best... except on her birthday (when she felt SHE as his MOTHER should talk to him) she has done an admirable job...<p>as for rest... be careful w/ affection... can be an LB... though many repentant WSs have stated as much as they felt GUILTED by cards and other signs of affection, it also reassured them... Having SF is a personal issue... I say if you can, do... I know for a fact that it is one of the best connections I have w/ my H and he is reticent to give 'it' up and let me give 'it' to someone else... for the rest... yeah, think back to courtship days and do the kinds of activities you did then... strike up conversations about subjects that interest him... again... much like when you were first dating and wanted to impress him w/ what you knew about stuff he was interested in...<p>Good Luck,
Cali

Thanks Cali.<p>The MIL issue is touchy. I was bribing her with chocolates. I think she is worried I will give up and leave before WH comes out of the fog. I will try to explain LB and see how it goes. I have mentioned MB and how it has helped me.

As for WH's ENs, I have been shying away a little bit the last few days. I'm not sure if it is to avoid me LB or to avoid WH from making withdrawals from my love bank. <p>I am hesitant to initiate SF. I was very aggressive earlier and things were okay but then I had this feeling he was losing interest and I backed off. Is that something I could ask him about? Is it not what you ask but how you ask it? Wow, how do you bring up that subject casually? I try to keep our "talks" light. We seem to accomplish more that way.<p>Do you think I should ask?

Hi Twinkles!<p>Here's what I did with my WH and it seemed to "work" in a sense. By that, I mean that I didn't LB and he responded to it really well and continues to do so. <p>First of all, EN are a tough one. If you know what they are, then you're half-way there. With regards to recreational activities, I say initiate it, BUT do so with the knowledge that you may be rejected. For example, think of a cool date you can go on together doing something you both enjoyed doing in the past. Maybe dinner and a movie? Or maybe there is an activity that he enjoys that you've never tried? You never know, you might like it! And you will have tried something new! Bonus! Or maybe think of something completely new to the both of you and suggest that. Go-Cart racing, rock climbing, gardening, whatever - that way you will both be trying something new and you will create that experience and memory if it turns out to be something you both like! <p>As for SF - I agree with Cali. If you can initiate it and he responds well, then go for it. If he seems annoyed or uncomfortable, then let him know, in the nicest non-LB way you can, that you are there for him when he is ready and you will not pressure him. I said this to my H in a letter and within a few weeks, he was asking to spend the night. <p>As for the MIL, I can only second Cali's suggestions. Since you have a good relationship with her, you can let her in on what you've been doing and why. Hopefully she'll understand and back off with the LB's.<p>Also, conversation is another good one. I know my H is into certain things that I've always dismissed because I (foolishly) didn't think I would be interested. After Dday, I began to think about this and realised that if I didn't at least try it, then how would I know whether I liked it or not? Turns out that H and I now have a lot of the same interests and can talk for hours about certain subjects. I started remembering how intelligent he is and that when I stop and listen, there is a great deal I can learn from him. It all came so naturally and we now send emails to each other everyday about our mutual subjects. <p>Anyway, I've rambled on enough! Good luck to you!<p>VE

SF is touchy... <p>Oddly enough my H and I engaged in almost daily SF right after d-day... one of these days I hope I can talk to him about it and what he was thinking and tell him what I was thinking... for me... it has always been our best connection and I desperately needed to feel connected to him then... and for him? for some reason he couldn't or wouldn't tell me no...<p>As time went on it became less me initiating and more him... now I would say we are about even... and frequency is still higher than it was in the past 5 years of our marriage...<p>But you know you and your H best... go from there...<p>I would emphasize that you need to think back to your 'courting' days and try to recreate those kinds of activities... oh, and don't tell him what you are doing... just do it...<p>Cali

The suggestions sound good. Thanks.<p>Venusenvy - I like the go-cart racing suggestion. It sounds like a blast. Now I have to find somewhere. In the meantime...<p>I just called WH and asked if he didn't have plans for the weekend I had heard about an event that I thought would be fun to attend. (A #1 interest of WH's by the way) He sounded a bit surprised he hadn't heard about it and asked if I really wanted to go. I said that it sounded like fun and told him to think about it and let me know. Then I reminded him our D has plans for Saturday so we could go then together alone or wait until Sunday and take her too. I'll keep my fingers crossed. No pressure. Now if he says no, should I still go without him? What do you think?<p>Cali - The whole SF thing comes down to my insecurity I guess. The last time I initiated, he didn't turn me down but it was as if he didn't care one way or the other. Wow, I hadn't thought about it before. Maybe now I know how he felt in the past. Wow, eye opening for me. <p>I think I need to remember baby steps on the EN. I can understand how too much too fast can cause guilt for WH. He decribed me to the counselor as "dancing on my toes" for him. Another reason I started to back away.<p>I like the idea of remembering dating days. I think if I can remind myself of that it will help.<p>My last question is how do you communicate things to your WS in a non-LB way. I am a very emotional, wear your heart on your sleeve knd of person and find it difficult to speak calmly when my stomache is flip flopping about. Do you have any tricks on calming yourself down when you feel your face getting hot?<p>Thanks again...

Hi again! You asked if he said no about doing something together over the weekend, should you still go....ABSOLUTELY! (Did I shout that loud enough?) I am assuming you are in Plan A. And since Plan A is all about YOU, then go for it!<p>Here's another story - A few weeks ago I rang up my WH and asked if he wanted to go see a movie with me. Much to my surprise, he said yes. Well, 4 hours later, he texted me and said he couldn't make it and that he "things to sort out". I rang him back and jokingly said, "so....standing me up, eh? Nevermind, I'll find someone else to go with!". Kept it light and friendly with no disappointment in my voice. 10 minutes later he rang back and asked if I had found anyone else to go see the movie with. I said no and that I hadn't starting making calls yet. In his next breath, he asked if I wanted to come to his house for dinner and go to the pub for drinks instead. <p>Funny, that!<p>Then you asked about communicating things to WS in a non-LB way. I know exactly what you're talking about here, because girl, I have been there and then some! I, too, am emotional and love to talk and process. The trick is to shut up and listen. Don't talk to your H by simply waiting for your turn to speak. *Listen* to him. Yes, you may feel the stomach thing going on and yes you may get impatient, but practice and it will get easier. Perhaps before you speak to him, take some time to take some deep breaths. If you're feeling angry, then go hit a pillow or scream in your car. Do whatever you have to try and remain as calm as possible. Despite being a very "animated" person all my life (ie: freaking out, standing up and shouting, raising my voice) I learned very quickly to chill out. And the best part is, that I actually *like* communicating this way. Much more productive. <p>Hope that helped!<p>VE

Twinkles... best advice I ever read... think it is in Divorce Remedy... Strike when the iron is cold . Weiner-Davis doesn't actually state it that way, but talks that striking while the iron is hot is counter-productive.<p>So I suggest LOTS of wait time... really think about what you want to say, how you want to say it, but most importantly WHY you want to say it... what are you expecting? See it's that expecting thing that gets us into trouble... we say something and EXPECT or WANT them to react in a certain way... and they can't or won't... and we spiral out of control...<p>Sometimes I post letters, etc. here... read the comments from my esteemed friends at the site and that's as far as it goes... sometimes it has enabled me to say what I need to say when I need to say it...<p>Hope that helps.<p>Cali

When it comes to my LB communication I guess I hold it all in and then it gets to a point where I can't hold it anymore and I burst.<p>For instance last night I was all pumped up, focused, it all seemed possible. Then on the drive home I heard a song on the radio. The DJ announced the artist and song title. I turned it up because WH had it written down previously. I never thought much about seeing written down before as WH has stated he would like to get back into music. Then I heard the song. It is all about missing someone and needing someone right now and all about dying to hold them blah blah blah. My heart broke all over again. Then when I got home WH asked what was wrong and I said nothing I was just cold ( I shake when upset). I never said anything. I wanted to tell him that collecting songs like that and listening to them was not "trying" to get OW out of his head. But I said nothing and this will fester inside of me.<p>I don't see the point of being honest with a WH in the fog about this situation. It comes back to Cali's point - what do I expect to accomplish by bringing this up? I want to bring it up but I don't know if I can handle the conversation - I'm getting tired of being hurt. I think it needs discussion but will it accomplish anything positive with a WH in the fog?<p>So, it will just eat me up inside for awhile.<p>Thoughts?