Several weeks ago my husband found out the OW was lying to him and seeing someone else too. He was depressed all day and that night, he confessed to me that it was more than an emotional affair. He was extremely distraught and asked if I could ever forgive him. He actually said he didn't think he could live with the guilt, etc. I forgot about how I felt and took care of him. He told me I was the love of his life, he was passionately in love with me and he would never leave me. For almost 5 days, he was so thoughtful and caring to me telling me how incredible I was to forgive him and how much he loved me. Then the OW came back to work from a period of time off and he told her she was to stay away and what happened between them should not have happened because he loves his wife. She agreed to stay away. He came home and told me he was so happy the nightmare was over. Unfortunately, after a few days, he started to become a bit withdrawn again. He told me he was fine, but I knew he wasn't. Finally, last Friday, he confessed to me that he wasn't happy. He said he hasn't been happy for a couple years and felt he wasn't in love with me. Of course, I was devastated after I thought everything would be okay from what he told me previously. I knew we had problems to work out, but at least I thought he loved me. He told me he didn't feel that deep emotional bond with me. I asked him if he felt it with "her" and he hesitate a bit. Then he said that is how he new it was missing from our marriage. I am so completely hurt and devastated I feel like I'm not going to make it through all this. He told me it isn't over yet, that it took time to get to this point and it will take time to work through it. Is it possible for him to fall in love with me again? I realize that life got boring in the past several years. Through our marriage counselor, I am trying to find things that interest me so that I can become an individual (all I have done is take care of my kids and my husband over the last several years and not thought about myself). I realize that if I don't have interests or become my own person, there is nothing about me that can be new or interesting. <p>My H assures me this isn't about the OW, it is about his own feelings. Is it possible to get those exciting feelings back? He said there is nothing that I did to cause this, it is all him and that I shouldn't change just to please him, it should be to make myself a better person. Unfortunately, pleasing him makes me feel like a better person and I want to change, not only for myself but for him. No matter what he has done, I know the real person he is and that is who I am in love with. I have to do everything possible to save this marriage. For me and my children. Thank you for any suggestions you may have.

H&A:<p>First of all, it sounds like your H is going thru withdrawal. This is a normal part of the separtion process from the OW and can be very depressing. He has to grieve what he has lost. While doing so, it appears he remains somewhat fogged... Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot you can do at this point...the other unfortunate thing is that it really is hard to tell how long this will last.<p>About all you can do is hang in there...work on things that will be positive for you.<p>Read the stuff at this site...look into counseling, jointly or separately...that can be a great help of you are both committed to the marriage...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by hurtandafraid:
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My H assures me this isn't about the OW, it is about his own feelings. Is it possible to get those exciting feelings back? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
The experts say yes. I hope so, because this is where my W (WS) is. It is in many ways the "I love you but I am not in love with you" refrain.<p>Again, read some of the books recommended here...
SAA, HN/HN, and another that I am reading now is Michele Weiner Davis' Divorce Remedy...<p>Whatever takes place you will need to be strong and ready to continue on the roller coaster for a while...<p>good luck<p>E

Hurt&Afraid.. I have the exact same questions about regarding my WW also. I don't really have an answer but I will tell you what was posted for other similar questions.<p>First off, a good thing to do if youhavent is to read the SAA book. Much of what I'll type I think is in there too. <p>There is a difference between real love and the lust/passion/love created by an A. The A can appear to be stronger because it is based in fantasy without the realities of life together. Your H when with OW doesnt have to worry about
cleaning the house, kids, dinner, bills and all that other stuff that you both DO deal with day by day. They get dressed up or see each other at their best usually and don't see the day to day people they are otherwise.<p>BUT what I am told is it doesnt mean you cannot restore love. What is love? You dont just love a person for a person, or else you'd love a lot of people. You love what that person does for you how they meet your emotional needs, which are summed up as what that person says or does for you. I don't know if you visited other parts of this site or read the books, but Harley talks about a love bank. Meeting these needs over time will fill up the love bank. Love busting will remove units from it. In my opinion withdrawls can happen much faster than deposits. it takes a second to hurt someone while love takes a while to grow. SO supposedly if you identify your husband's Emotional needs (EN's) and his Love busters (LB's) you can start to make progress. Once the Love bank gets to a certain point the person will start to love you. There is a section on this page and in the SAA book called recovery, read about the 4 rules of recovery. Give them a shot at the worst it cant hurt.<p>Well now with that said.. it isnt always easy to apply. I'm doing my best myself sometimes I think I see improvement, but othertimes my wife tells me she still has no feelings for me even though she thinks she wants to. I'm in this for the long haul. I hope she is too. Remember that youself. It may take a long while, love is not something that can be quickly fix.<p>I know what you mean about not knowing yourself. I did the same thing as you did I believe. I am happy making my wife happy. My intrests revolve around her and I usually defered to her choices in most things. Part of the MB concept is to improve yourself also. If you think about it hard you CAN think of your own intrests. Don't demean your self worth, think about what you did before him if you can. What makes you happy? After being with someone for such a long time your likes may have gotten similar, but remember some of them are yours too. Its good that you are working with a counselor on that. Are you seeing one together?

good luck
stay positive.

Dear Elad & HanginIn: Thank you for your responses. I am trying to hang in there, even though at times it seems unbearable. I try to be strong and stick up for myself, but then I fall apart. In my heart I don't believe my H wants to leave and would like that "feeling" to come back for us. We are working with a therapist for marriage counseling. Her suggestions so far have been for me to work on becoming stronger and learn about myself. I am looking forward to learning new things and becoming an individual (I haven't thought about those things for way too long). I do realize that I cannot be an interesting person unless I have interests and my own personality. I cannot keep depending on my H to make my identity. I am looking into taking some classes and want to do some things out of character for me (even be a little bad or rebellious). In other words, I want to live a little instead of taking the straight and narrow route all the time. Hopefully that will be enough to make my H see that he can have fun with me and that there is more to me than he ever knew (or that I ever knew).

hurtand afraid,
Doing what you are doing at this site will help a whole lot. I have only been here for a week after reading SAA 6wks ago and by reading and repling it is helping to lift the fog I hope. Your post right now gives me the perspective that my wife sees from and that is important.
Keep trying and if nothing else you will make your own life better!
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