I knew this wasn't going to be easy. My H has warmed up to me over the last couple of weeks (although still wants a D, still sees OW every day, etc.) We've had SF 2 times this last week. It was awesome, however, I don't believe there's any emotional attachment there for him. The kids and I are moving out on Saturday. I'm starting to feel very afraid. I mean, I NEED to be away from him, as he's "in love" with OW. What's he doing to me? He didn't want me for the last 6 months or so, so why now? Because he's losing me? Because he wants me to stay tied to him? If all goes as planned, we could be D'd by March. Anyone, any ideas???<p>MOM<p>[ January 31, 2002: Message edited by: Myownme ]</p>

(((MOM)))<p>You know you have to stay the course, for your sake and for the sake of your children. Take this time to REALLY work on you. Work on your relationship with the kids, they need you the most right now. Nobody can control his actions except him. Maybe he'll miss having you around to kick about, maybe not....but you'll DEFINITELY NOT miss BEING kicked about, right?<p>You're taking the PC, right? We all still need you around these parts! We'll be here for you.<p>Please take care.<p>Prayers,
Kev

Hi MOM, I'm sending you a million hugs because this is so hard but please keep in mind, this may be exactly what your H needs to recover...a dose of reality. Stay strong. Keep your plan A in tact. <p>Believe in yourself. <p>I'm proud of you. I admire you for your strength.<p>I'm praying for you.

Hi MoM sending big hugs to you, stay strong you are one brave lady whom i admire so much, you respond to so many others when you have so much on your plate thankyou for that.<p>As to why your H is giving you attention right now, who knows how they think????
Im pretty sure once you have moved out your H is gonna miss having you around, how can he not???<p>maybe this is what its going to take to make him realise what he had and just how lucky he was,
i do hope so.
Take care i will be thinking of you.
Liz

MOM,<p>Be sure you give yourself permission to feel the way you do. It is only natural to feel panicky. It's OK to feel that way. Do you have friends who can come over the first few days to help you move in? Friends who can be there if you are feeling lonely? BTW, who is helping you move out of the house? H is staying at the house until it is sold?<p>Be really determined, MOM. The stress of the move could make you vulnerable to emotional manipulation by your H whether he is doing it intentionally or not.<p>I just hate the pain that WS cause their families. I feel so sad for you and the kids. You have sacrificed and made loving choices. Be proud of that. Things WILL get better.<p>Take care,
Estes

((((((( Myownme )))))))
Damn them for what they do to us. I'm so sorry for your pain and fear. No advice, I'm sorry to say, but I am still praying for you and your family. I wish you all the best and hope that soon you can be happy again. Stay strong and take care

Thanks everyone! I'm so out of it right now, I actually forgot that I'd posted this, so didn't check back in until now! I appreciate all the good thoughts. I know that I'm doing the right thing right now for me and the kids, it's just that I've NEVER been alone (without a mom and dad or mate), so it's pretty scary. My H needs LOTS of help, I know that, it's just that even though it's bad right now, he's someone I know (or thought I knew). I'm going to miss him so much. I do have friends who will be helping me, spending time with me for a little while so I can get through the worst of it. I have my bible study to keep me grounded, and GOD is always there for me...I've just got to remember to reach out to him more often. I am going to be o.k. Just need to vent once in a while.<p>Kev,
Yes, I'm taking the computer, although I do most of my posting here from work (sshh!). I've been making the payments on the computer, so it's coming with us.<p>I don't know WHAT I would have done if I hadn't had all the support from this sight. I have done the best Plan A I could have done (although it didn't really start until November. I can walk away knowing I've done all that I could. <p>I still have hopes that the rest of my life will be spent with the man I used to know as my H; however, I cannot go on living the way that I've been living. He's got things to do, I've got more growing to do. If God's plan is for us to recover at some point and have the good marriage we should have had all along, then it will happen.<p>I thank you all and ask that you continue to keep the kids and I in your prayers.<p>PEACE,<p>MOM

Mom,<p>Was wondering how you were doing? <p>Know this weekend will be hard. I like you had never not lived without my STBX or my dad, except college & I went to a very strict religious college but you know it is not that bad. everything is how I want it, well for the most part my OS has strong feelings about some things as he is JR, & most likely will not be here much longer I let it go his way <p>good luck & you are doing the right thing

Wow. <p>(I am putting my WS hat on for a second)<p>Why on earth is he having SF with you if he is SO sure he wants a divorce and is "in love" with OW??? Is sex with her really that bad that he has to cheat on her??<p>(YES it probably is!!! LOL)<p>It is totally illogical. Obviously you must still be meeting his needs.<p>Why are you allowing SF to continue (out of curiousity)?? Is it for YOU or are you still in plan A?? Not saying it is good or bad, just curious.<p>I still think it is very possible for him to come around, I mean something is obviously still there for him, he just won't admit it.<p>Try to stall the divorce as much as you can. Did you say you are going to plan B when you move, or not? If you do, make sure you hold out and not give in to SF (even if you want it REALLY, REALLY bad)... K?<p>I have a feeling your H won't like it very much when you are gone, especially if you are not there to meet his SF needs. <p>I don't think it has clicked yet for him...<p>I am sorry you have to go through this. YOU WILL MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN!!! Maybe it will be good for you to not have to depend on anyone else for a little while...<p>(P.S. I am hoping that God's plan is for your marriage to recover as well)<p>HbH

MoM,<p>You are holding up great, dear. Keep up the good work!<p>As for the SF and it "awesome", well I have a pretty simplistic take on this stuff. You are not supposed to do that, you are getting a D, right? So, of course, doing it is going to be great. Lots of reasons I can think of, in addition to HbH's (lol), including all that pent up 'frustration' from months of not doing much, trying to make up for possibly never doing it again, and it is kinda against the rules, which just adds to the excitement.<p>What to do? Keep that D process moving SLOW, plan A from a distance, keep up all that great work you are doing on changes, activities and 'a new life' for you, focus on you and the kids, and make a terrific new home for yourself. Before the weekend, work out a schedule for your H seeing the kids. Make sure you see him at pick up or drop off once a week, or at some other regular interval. And start making a long, long list of excuses for not moving that D process along any quicker.<p>I'll be thinking about you and wishing you lots of strength.<p>It is not over, yet, MoM. I have a feeling about this...<p>OneDay

Thanks my buddies (HBH and OneDay).<p>HBH,
I would have to say that I have agreed to SF for ME. Lots of reasons, which include all that you said: my need for it, the fact that once I've left home I will NOT agree to it, something nice to remember him by, maybe a little bit of "take THAT OW! If he's so in love with you, why SF with me?" However, don't get me wrong, I have NO intention of ever talking to OW. Just feels good to know that my H truly does still have desire for me.<p>We have worked out a visitation schedule. My plan has been to go to Plan B (for MY sanity), as the pain of his continued relationship with OW has become too great to continue Plan A (which I have been SOOOO great at this last couple of months). Plan B is definitely harder with kids and selling the house, etc. For example, we have to be at the closing on 2/28 together. My plan is NOT to call him at all. If I need to tell him something, I will call his voicemail at home while he's at work and tell him there. I think he will miss the conversations more so than the SF. He still calls me every day just to say hi. Next week, I will not answer his calls; just let them go to voicemail.<p>I know that you both feel that this isn't over, but I do now realize that my H has GOT to look at HIS issues and really want to make changes if our marriage will ever be recovered. I will NOT go back to the way things were, even if he swears off the OW forever. At this point, only GOD can help my H want to make those changes. My H's relationship with OW already looks exactly like our relationship was at the beginning (she's doing all the giving, he's doing all the taking). The perfect example of this: we cut our family share plan cell phones off because it was too much money. Well OW promptly went out and got my H a cell phone and is paying the monthly family share plan bill. That's ME to a TEE!! He's found my replacement; no fuss, no muss; just gets to continue to take, take, take.<p>O.K. I'm done venting now, but you see what I'm up against here? <p>I will focus on my healing and my children's healing and try to let God lead me......if his plan is for my marriage to recover, then he'll make it happen if I let him.<p>Thanks guys!!<p>MOM

MOM, you rule. These are the perfect answers to show that you have done it!!! You "get" it, you understand what it is all about, and you are willing to accept it - even if you don't like it...<p>You have come so far. In fact, I consider you a success story. Success doesn't necessarily mean getting your marriage back. We all know you will make it and move on, despite how scary it may be, just be the tone of your posts.<p>I understand the SF thing, I had ALOT of trouble saying no to my H... In my case (and it very well could be in yours too), OW did 0% to meet my H's SF needs, so I understand what you mean - TAKE THAT OW!!!! He he... <p>You know we all think it....<p>The conversations were the toughest for me to give up in plan B as well. I just left voicemails and emails if I had to reach him. But, it did definately help me to grow even though it pretty much devastated my H. Reality check.<p>I think you need plan B as well at this point. Good luck MOM, keep us posted.<p>And you are right in one aspect, your H is doing it all over again with the OW (and such will be the pattern for the rest of his life unless something changes). But she is NOT and never can be a replacement for you. YOU would never do the things she has done.<p>Remember that, k?
HbH

MoM,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My H's relationship with OW already looks exactly like our relationship was at the beginning ... That's ME to a TEE!! He's found my replacement.<hr></blockquote><p>I've had some of the same thoughts myself... but then I remember that movie, "Multiplicity". Have you seen it? It's the one that Michael Keaton ends up having clones of himself made. Eventually, the clones make a copy of one of themselves and he's just not quite right. Kind of like a photocopy of a photocopy - just not as sharp.<p>Well, I really think the same thing applies here. If H is looking for a younger, more naive, more fun version of you, he's bound to fail. There's nothing like the original! All others will pale in comparison. Keep that in mind!<p>Take care!
Kev

Thanks for the Kudos HBH!! I need that reassurance that I have grown stronger as a result of all of this. <p>Kev,
OW is an old high school girlfriend. She's the same age. So as far as younger version of me, NO WAY. I would never behave the way she has. I hold on to the fact that God will judge her and my H at some point if they do not repent of their sins and ask forgiveness. Their whole relationship is based on lies, lies, LIES.<p>Thanks again for the support. I will NOT be going away from this site for a very long time. Will keep all of you posted.<p>PEACE,<p>MOM

Best of Luck MOM,<p>You and the kids will be in my prayers. I really think you are doing the right thing....it won't be so hard once you have moved.<p>You will be in my prayers though. Take Care Pat

Hugs MOM
When you get panicky...do the Mary Tyler Moore twirl, throw your hat into the air...and sing "I'm gonna make it after all!" (if only it was that easy!!) If nothing else, it will make you dizzy...LOL. I wish I had some great advice or words of wisdom, but I don't...just thought I could help you smile a little.<p>Best of luck MOM. I know you will do great! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your kids.
BH

Thanks mm and brokenhearted.<p>Funny you should mention Mary Tyler Moore, as I work across the street from where that shot was filmed!! Anyway, I'll try it...<p>I wish I could help BOTH of you with your situations. I lean on God for understanding. Prayers going out to you both.<p>P.S. - only 2 more days!!<p>MOM

Hey, MoM:<p>What about adding something to your title, so that it keeps count of how many days left?<p>Stay strong, my friend.<p>OneDay

So last night I LOST IT!!! OW calls on the cell phone that she bought for my H at about 8:30 p.m. All my H says is "sorry, I forgot to turn it off." It seemed to ring and ring and ring. So instead of just saying "that's o.k.", I said "do you think you could tell the f-ing bit@@ to WAIT to call you in the evening until SATURDAY NIGHT!!" I started crying, he just kept saying he was sorry, then he said "I'm really not cold and callous." I said "YES YOU ARE and SO IS SHE!!! I feel like she's sitting there at home going HAHAHAHAHA!!! I WON!! I GOT HIM!!!"<p>I was BAWLING.....it's all been just too much for me to take. I went up to bed and BEGGED God to take this pain and anger away. <p>I'm SOOO incredibly scared. Tired of trying to hold up. <p>This morning, it was as if "nothing" had happened....
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I need lots of prayers please......<p>MOM

Dear God, take mome in your arms and let her fear flow to you, give her peace even in this unhappy place. Let her trust you will take care of her and in that trust find the strength to go on, and clearly see (and walk) the path you have for her, whereever it may lead. Give her a settled spirit, a clear mind, and the courage to embrace her future. She is a good woman, who just needs a little help, as do we all. Amen.