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Joined: Aug 2001
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I just reacted & didn't think who I was hurting, I know what all of you have said about contacting OWH or OW.<p>Background - D-20, S-15 was away for a weekend when WH called at 5:30 a.m. saying he wanted to recommit to our marriage, I thought he was at home. I was very happy & kids could tell & I told D about her dad's call. We were all happy. When we got home I noticed he had not slept there. He went for a 4 hour motel visit. D-20 heard us discussing this. She was very angry & wrote/discussed what she thought about her dad's actions. After 1.5 years of fence sitting WH said he couldn't write a no-contact letter, he said he can't burn bridges. I told him I was getting hurt by all the contact and maybe he need to make a choice as to leave or stay. He was already looking into moving during the week days, he was thinking his commute was to long & costly. I just wanted him to be honest & not tell another half truth.<p> Wh was to have left last Fri, but house was not ready &asked to say this week . Okay, but I asked for him to make it easier & have no -contact, I thought WH agreed , but he couldn't remember the conversation. I have been trying a Good A , keeping OW out of conversation & we are as close as we have ever been emotionally & physically 10X better. WH just wants to show me what he is getting from OW. WH knows what I give him is a gift & I am not ready for him to impose his new sf techniques with me.<p> WH told me about contact last night after knowing we would have another week. WH called OW while I left so he could pack. Sorry, but I got real upset, my selfishness & so much for plan a, but it was tension filled. I wanted him there so he could here my call to the OWH to make sure he knew about WH moving out. Unfortunately OW D-19 had her OWH cell phone. They isolate him. I know OW's D supports OW seeing WH while still married to OWH. OWD supports mom decision to be happy with WH since it is very explosive in her house.<p> All I could think of was how hurt my D-20 is & if OWD supports her mom seeing a WH whill OW is still married she should also now the truth. So I said I really wanted to talk to OWH & this was OW lover's wife. Just wanted the OWH to know that WH was moving out because 3 weeks ago they had a four hour motel visit F**K. I really just wanted to talk thto OWH to make sure he KNew. She was just in the wrong place - could there be legal charges?
I know what I did was wrong I hate to talk to OW, but called and left a voice mail, apoligizing for my conduct with OWD. I didn't think about her being just a innocent bystander, because I was under the impression that OWD supported the whole A. Anyway, I left a voice mail impling my cruelness.<p> Any ways OW called an accused me of being drunk, no I put WH on the phone, she then lectured me about it being a cruel, nasty, subhuman thing to do, and if I had something to say I should call OW. I agree over and over that my saying those things to OWD was not right. She asked how I would feel If she was to call my D or stop by the school of my son,s. I wanted to say will at least the truth will be out, but I didn't. OW is an expert at winning an arguement, I took the brunt of the discussion. She is a pro I let her say her piece for about 35 min. She said I should just face reality & give up & I seem to have a major problem withy my anger. Also if I am angry at OW to discuss it with her, I told her I was not angry with her. WH yes, but not her. Maybe she has seem my login name. - Very possible.<p> WH doesn't like to have verbal arguements, like me, & that is/was one of our problems. We hardly ever expressed our unhappy feelings. OW kept asking WH opinions, I felt she wanted him in the discussion, he didn't participate until OW point blank asked him a question. He said he loves OW, but still has feeling for me. Then WH and I had some nice comforting words, discussing the feeling each of us were having.<p> After wards WH said he knew what I was trying to say, but he Knew I wasn't going to add fuel to the fire just to win my point. I got the feeling he knows that niether one of us could win an arguement with OW. I didn't say a thing about good luck, you might just end up like OWH beaten down, kids side with OW, on two antidepressents, and sucidial. They work opposite shifts, I am glad I am not in her unhappy shoes. <p> Wh & I did have a nice talk, mostly I listened about his feeling, the last 15 years. WH wants to be 100% sure whatever the decision. WH also agreed to read SAA. <p>I need help to calm the storm I created. I really have over reacted twice. When I forced the issue and had WH tell D & S about his A and then again last night. <p>Please is this getting my kids involved to much in the A. My SIL tells me to make sure I keep the kids out of ourproblems. The OW tells me it is just between WH, OW & myself. I spent one whole year not telling anybody, I just tho ught it was time to tell if they weren't going to be honest.
I have not had any support except from C & this board. Even if the advice is straight forth & tells me to shape up. Thanks

Joined: Apr 2001
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Okay, start of rant. OW has absolutely NO business telling ANYONE that they are being cruel, nasty, or subhuman. Where does SHE get the NERVE to call YOU names????? I hope that you made it clear that the apology was for her daughter and not for her. Do not let this viper bully you! You DID make a mistake in speaking to her D. However, perhaps her D would never have entered the line of fire had OW not decided to try and snag another womans H just because her own isn't measuring up somehow. Arrgh! This makes my blood boil! That woman is not good enough to crawl across the dirt you walk on, let alone call you names for reacting to an ugly situation which SHE had responsibility in creating. Did you happen to mention to her how cruel it is what she is doing to YOUR children, YOUR family? Or has that thought not passed that idiots non-brain? <p>Okay, vent over. Darn, that felt good!<p>Real stuff. Yes, YOU did cross the line in talking to the daughter. Don't do it again. It's not fair that the poor childs mother is a complete tr*** and has her convinced that an Affair is somehow justified -- just think of how many months of theraphy it's gonna take to just get over THAT! You should have (and I know next time you will) been firm, professional and insisted that she give her dad a message to call you. Period.<p>By all means, keep all offspring OUT of it. Obviously, yours are old enough to know what's going on. But isn't this a bad time to make them your sounding board, your advisor? It seems that you are not doing this right now, and I will caution you to not do it any time soon. Maybe after some time has passed you can discuss it. But it's always a mistake to turn to your children for this type of comfort and guidance. We walk a very fine line here and it's easy to fall into the trap of letting our kids parent us. After all, this is THEIR family and next to us, they have the most to gain or lose. <p>Now stop beating yourself up over what's done and move on to what's next. And no, I don't believe that anyone can send you to jail for speaking to the D. <p>Snow

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Hi, I am sorry to see you hurting so much, I have been there and been doing that. My name should be exploding, believe me I have done worse! I know how you can get carried away... with anger over this type of foolishness... be angry at your H, but do not lb him... I know that is hard... to you... he is more to blame than OW. I know you know this, but you hate her... like I hate OW. I hate her sooso much, it is crzy... i think it is normal... find other more healthy ways to vent.... I started to realize my lb's cost me more than it was worth to get to her, or take care of things with that selfish bit__ <p>NOw, granted I am still considering calling ow's H to let him know she is still involved with my H... boy oh boy is he in the dark.<p>Anyway, I have not, but may very well do something... in fact I am thinking of having a friend call him and say she is a friend of the ow, and that she does not want to say who, but wants him to know more...<p>I know tthings can get better, and we both just want OW gone... it is hard and tough situation, yes- stay here and build a network of support, <p>not just here, but anywhere you can... <p>I am here caring and concerned for you, if you
want to email me anytime please do at lisaannsmail@yahoo.com<p>hugs to you, HONEY

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I took to long responding, by making supper. Lost the 1st one. <p>Snowwhite it really felt good reading your vent thanks. Phone calls right now will be back after them & a good soak. Thanks

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My mother called checking up then D-20 called. Her B15 told her we were arguing last night & she asked point blank question. I told her I recognize her feeling & she has to take care of herself & not worry over us. I had already decided that any body that asked about Steve living arrangement I wood be honest. I did not won't to tell her about the phone calls, but her brother knew. I had to call a neice near her college & ask if she could come over.
D hasn't talk to any family members. Wh said tonight he didn't see any reason to tell his nephew about separation during the fishing trip this weekend. Their older sister knows now & probably alot more than she wanted to after tonight. I felt so guilty telling her to not recognize her anger & still love her dad. How do you manage, besides she still has a college paper due tomorrow. D is just so angry and sad.

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I have an idea... how about asking her dad to give her a call and reassure her that she is deeply loved and cared for by both of her parents, that she was born out of love that the two of you have for each other? That he's going through something but that she needn't worry about the two of you. That you are strong and trying. Okay, so maybe he won't do this. But maybe you can, somehow, tell her that you will be okay and will get through this. <p>Heck, you're a woman bold and honest enough to call herself "exploding" when some of us shy away from our real feelings and go with names like Snowwhite -- just the opposite of how we feel. You've got a good start there, girl. <p>Do yourself a favor and don't try to contact the OW again. She's in a really bad head space right now. I mean, she's involving her children in her adultery. What is she thinking here? There is nothing that you can say or do to her right now that will reach her heart. Leave her alone. Focus on yourself and your H. Pretend she doesn't exist. <p>Sounds like you're in Plan B, so read up and do it right. <p>Prayers are with you.<p>Snow<p>And PS Honey, I love your signature line. I have had such a hard time being a good person through all of this. It's good to be reminded of what's really important.<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: Snowwhite ]</p>

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Hi Exploding<p>This reminded me so much of my situation. <p>I phoned OW twice since D-Day. Firstly she was prepared for me almost like she was waiting for the call:- OW told me that WS did not love me and he was only staying with me for the sake of the kids. She even told me that I must now go back and work on my marriage because she and WS sincerely and truly love one another and she knows that he will come back to her because she gives him what he wants.<p>Second call was after dicovering that WS has passed on a sexual transmitted disease to me which I will now have to live with for the rest of my life. I was furious:- Her answer to me was either you are sleeping around or your husband is sleeping around with prostitutes. <p>On both occasions she was the one that was hysterical and performed like a B******ch. I was dumbfounded and did not even know how to react but she turned everything around and made WS believe that I was the one that was hystrical and swearing and performing. He said she was just protecting him from me.<p>Well, he believed everything she told him and he is now living with her but the cooky is starting to crumble. Her tyrade's is now coming to a front but he is still very much in the fog. Like my D said - Daddy is like a robot and OW presses the buttons and then he responds. Mum she can't speak, she screeches like a leech.<p>What have I learned from this:- Since he moved out in Oct not once did I contact her. On two occasions she phoned me this was after I LB WS. My WS does not know how to handle conflict and she has now taken over the role and whatever conflict comes his way she deals with it. - but then I was ready for her - (practice makes perfect), I used my words selectively where it hurt. I let her rant and rave and in a very, very calm voice I told her that in our culture a mother never relinquish custody of her children for selfish reasons D6 and S2 She gave up custody to be with WS. Also not to compare herself with me as I am a mother who loves her children dearly and will go to the end of the world for them. She must also keep in mind that our children were conceived in love and because of this bond husband and I will always be connected and I will always be around. My final words to her was " Now I want you to leave me and my children alone and carry on with your life with WS and I wish you all the happiness that you deserve. She was so taken aback that the only words she could utter was" You are jeolous, jeolous...............<p>I put the phone down and I laughed because I was in control and the tables have changed.<p>I have no urge to speak to her anymore because she is just as deep in the fog as WS. They are in Winter I have moved on to Spring.

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grrrrrr, Instead of just fuming do you have any advice. How would you handle this situation?


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