I am a lurker, don't post much. I do read lots of threads, books, articles, pretty much anything I think might help.<p>My H had an A (EA and PA) of a few months duration. It ended nearly a year and a half ago. We have been in recovery since the end of the A, or so I thought. We have been to MC, H had been to an IC, so have I; all Cs were helpful. I did plan A, then plan B, then H agreed to a MB type recovery plan and we have been following it for the past six months. Or, so I thought.<p>Now I have found out about my H's use of porn in the form of pictures and video, mostly on-line but also magazines and movie rentals. He has also gone to chat rooms, where the subject is cyber-sex. He says he has traded some sexual innuendo with a number of OW and has received offers of cyber-sex but has not actually engaged in online sex.<p>I don't know what to believe!<p>After many discussions, this is what I know: he has been viewing porn since he was a teen, long before we met more than 12 years ago; he lied to me from the very first time I asked him about his views on porn and like stuff, at the time we were dating; he has used some form of porn all throughout our relationship and M of 11 years; his use of this stuff has increased over the years and changed from soft to hardcore porn; the nature of the porn has gone from 'normal' acts to more 'experimental'; H's preferred visuals are of very young women, possibly underaged.<p>I never knew about any of it for the first 11 years we were together. A few months after d-day, when I was monitoring computer use for signs of OW, I came across cookies with a site unknown to me. I checked it out and found a porn site. When I calmed down, I asked H about it. He was defensive at first, then explained that he was curious, it was no big deal, it would not happen again, it was kind of funny. I asked questions about his SF EN, we talked about it, he swore that he was completely satisfied and that he did not use the stuff, that what I saw was a once only thing. I was worried but accepted his explanation, since I only saw the one thing in the computer history.<p>Months later, while checking his e-mail at work (he gave me access as one of those things Harley suggests in recovery), I read a warning from the company that employs him, saying that he broke the company's policy by viewing certain internet sites; the message showed examples, all of which turned out to be pornographic. I raised it with him right away; it was a big deal. At first, he was angry at me, accused me of violating his privacy, told me I was naive because "all men do it", and said that I would just have to live with it. When I told him that I could not, that I would gladly talk to him about whatever was missing in that way, go to more MC, but that I could not accept this in our M and our bed, he said I was causing us to divorce over something stupid. After a couple of days, H agreed on his own that there would be no use of porn, ever, that he would bring it up in his IC sessions, that there was nothing wanting in the SF department, and that it was just something he did from time to time, 'no big deal'. We followed POJA and arrived at an agreement: no porn, we put filters on the home computer, moved the computer to open spaces in the house, we would talk about the issue regularly, he would be completely honest about urges, he would talk to me immediately if he started thinking about using again, he would talk to his IC. For weeks, then months, we followed this; it seemed to work. As time went on, I would check with him, he would tell me that he had no thoughts of using and had not once since we made our agreement; I asked him about C on the issue, he told me it "was no longer an issue". Up to now, I ask him about monthly about this, he gives the same answers, looking me right in the eyes and swearing that it has never happened again.<p>Then, we started getting strange phone calls. The kind where I answer and the phone goes dead. I go into snooping mode and start looking at his work e-mail (he told me that he closed all his other e-mail accounts). At first, everything seemed fine; then I find an e-mail from his employer. It is another warning, a second one about the same thing, with more examples of porn sites.<p>I freak out, end up in bed for days, take many days off work, need anti-deps. H gets upset, then apologetic, then frustrated because I am 'overreacting'. We talk a little, but mostly I cry and he gets defensive. After many, many discussions, I get the 'whole story' which I wrote earlier in this post.<p>All this time, I have been married to a porn addict. All through supposed recovery, he has been continuing this, lying to me about it, going out of his way to keep it hidden from me, the habit has been getting worse, yet he is supposedly more committed to me and our M than ever. He says that there has only been four or five occurences in the past 9 months, and maybe that is the extent of it, given that I have not found more stuff on the computer. But frankly, even if it is a once in a month or two kind of thing, it is unacceptable to me.<p>Add to that a whole bunch of other factors: we have kids living at home with us, I would never have married H if I had known about this problem, I have already spent 1.5 years in h**l, I never had a depression problem before the A but now get depressed when there is a turn for the worse in our M, if H is caught by his employer again he will lose his job, seniority and benefits, our community has published front page newspaper stories about senior people being fired or resigning over porn surfing at work or with computers or software provided by work. My IC thinks that I won't survive another discovery of any kind; I have seen her many times since this discovery and she thinks that if H does anything else hurtful to me, I will likely end up in hospital acutely depressed and may not fully recovery.<p>So, now what?<p>H wants me to stay and help him with his now called addiction. He has made all the promises that he already made and broke. He says he will talk to his IC but had not made an appt. He says he wants to talk to his IC and my IC but not the MC. He says he is so sorry, that seeing how terribly this has affected me, he will never ever use the stuff again.<p>I have heard it all before. If I try and he relapses, I might end up irreparably broken (if I am not already past repair now). Then what are my kids going to have? A porn-addicted father whose job hangs in the balance; and a disfunctional mother who has lost her job as a result of ongoing, severe depression.<p>Can someone help, please?<p>p.s. Could those that respond not open a debate on whether porn is okay, please? It is simply not okay to me in my M, it never will be, and I don't have the strength to take part in a debate on the issue. Please.<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Trying Again and Again ]</p>

Oh Trying,<p>What an awful situation. You must protect your emotional health at all cost. Being in this situation has already taken a severe toll on you.<p>Your H needs serious and probably long-term professional help. This addiction is more than 12 years old and getting worse. Have you considered going to Plan B until your H has proof that he has conquered his addiction? Even if your H is committed to overcoming his addiction, there are bound to be relapses before he gets it under control, and you can't afford to be there when he relapses. <p>Listen to your C. A psychiatrist once told me that depression was a potentially fatal disease; that is, it can lead to a complete breakdown, even suicide. Your H's behavior is the source of your depression. Continued exposure = Continued depression.<p>Please take care of yourself. Do not let your H's illness continue to create illness in you.<p>Please take care. Thinking of you,
Estes

I am very sorry. I don't know a lot about porn or sex addiction, so I won't try and offer advice. But, I did want to let you know I did read this and was thinking of you.<p>Hugs--<p>Kathi

Estes,<p>Thank you for replying.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Estes49:
<strong>Have you considered going to Plan B until your H has proof that he has conquered his addiction?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I am considering plan B but having already done it and with children in the picture, I wonder whether we are simply beyond plan B.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Even if your H is committed to overcoming his addiction, there are bound to be relapses before he gets it under control, and you can't afford to be there when he relapses.<hr></blockquote><p>I cannot cope with a relapse, that is clear. But, I am also in no shape to make any decisions right now. Depression does that, I know. And I want to act responsibility for the benefit of my children. Making big decisions when I am not emotionally stable is probably not wise. My C supports my current inability to 'do' anything.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Your H's behavior is the source of your depression. Continued exposure = Continued depression.<hr></blockquote><p>I know this. For now, I am self-protecting. I look after my children and me, and that is all. H may share living space with us, but that is the only thing shared.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Do not let your H's illness continue to create illness in you.<hr></blockquote><p>I am doing the best I can. Thank you.

Kathi,<p>Thank you for your kind thoughts and for caring enough to reply.

Hello Trying,<p>Maybe if you live with your H with no expectations from him, it will insulate you somewhat from disappointment.<p>How long have you been receiving treatment for your depression? It can take a good while to stabilize if you have gotten really down. (Been there myself.) I agree that you need to feel better before making major decisions.<p>Take care. Let us know how you are doing.
Estes