Well, <p>WS and I had another talk last night and i think i finally realize that my marriage is OVER. She wants to seperate from me and our 3 boys (10,6,4). She says that she is in a no-win situation. If she stays...she loses OM the once in a lifetime love. Says they have something that we NEVER had..i say we had it 18 years ago. If she goes then she may face losing the security of what we have ...house, kids, $$$, etc and the future with this guy scares her. <p>Nowhere in the conversation did she ever mention coming back or staying for me or the fact that i love her more than anything. She has totally shut down even trying in our M. After our talk last night...she couldn't figure out why i couldn't sleep all night long. A better question is how can she ? <p>Noone understands her or what she is doing. Her family, my family, our friends..the few that know. NONE of them. SHE is the only one that can't see this guy for what he is. <p>What do i do now ? .....I feel so helpless....so alone..... so violated. I will pour my time into my boys...i love them so much. It makes me ill to think of what this will do to their world.

I am sorry things are so bleak right now.<p>Listen, I do not mean to be brutal, but she did not take you into account in making her decision, because right now, she does not love you. It's pretty simple really. And, she is not going to be receptive to falling back in-love with you while the affair is still going on. The whole purpose of Plan A isn't to win anyone back (not feasible), but to make some changes in you so as to be an attractive possibility when the affair runs its course and ends. Most do...but not all.<p>Dealing with the fact that she wants to separate is hard. OTOH, letting her go may well let her find out that OM is not the answer to all her problems. Are you getting any coaching on handling all this? If not, I'd strongly suggest you hit the COUNSEL link at the top of the page and do so ASAP.<p>Hang in there, its not over yet.<p>Kathi

I agree with Kam's advice to you- the reason your W is being so cold and insists things are over is because she has convinced herself in her own mind that OM is all that and exaggerated your faults which often happens in a long marriage when an A occurs. I know because my H told me the same thing last year- that he was out of love with me, in love with OW that he was leaving me for her and that our marriage was 'hopeless.' He continued on in that mode for several months despite my Plan A and then Plan B. OW urged him to file for divorce and he did and that's when he snapped and finally woke up to what he was truly doing to our 3 kids ( ages 14, 10 and 4) and destroying 15 yrs of our marriage all for a hormonal rush of a few months that will eventually wear thin. I strongly encourage you to not decide it is all over. Let patience be your guiding light and let your resoluteness against divorce be clear to your W. I never thought my H would come back to me. But he did and he said my resoluteness against D was the reason why.My H's affair had a strong emotional component which made it extremely messy for him to break off completely and made his thinking totally skewed until it ran its course and OW began to LB and aggravate him. Take care- lifeismessy PS I recommend the book Hope for the Separated- it talks about both possible outcomes and how to deal with them emotionally

Thanks for the reply....<p>I doubt that this will be the case here. Her affair has been going on for 18 months...13 of them that her family knows about..yet she continues. They haven't even spent an entire night together yet. <p>My problem is my attorney says the only way i truly protect myself is that i file for "D". Otherwise if she moves out..then decides that she doesn't like being away from the kids..she can file..move me out and keep the kids and have him too...and i am on the out looking in. I want to file simply to keep living in the house with the kids until custody is determined...then put it on hold until she decides what she wants. She wants to seperate on our own..not through the courts. Why would i trust her on this when her life is now full of lies and betrayal ? <p>Maybe she needs to see my ship is leaving....her life will be screwed up....maybe the fog would clear...maybe it won't.<p>What do ya think ?
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Darn if i do ...darned if i don't.

well usually a cold hard shot of reality is what a WS needs to realize what they're giving up. Do what you feel is the best for getting her out of the fog. Without that there will be NO chance of saving your marriage. lifeismessy

Sad Daddy...you must do whatever you must to protect your children and yourself. No one said that once filed the divorce must finalize. As long as the two of you can not agree on something, it can take as long as you need/want it to take.<p>If your W's affair has been going on this long and they have still not spent that much time together overall, they are experiencing part of the "play" that they have scripted. They will find that living in the real world without the back up of family support and responsiblities may not be such an enjoyable part of the "play". It's easy to have your "best foot forward" when you only have to do so a few hours of each day or whenever the time is free to be together. It's not the same as waking up every morning and looking at the guy/gal next to you and finding out what they look like without makeup/shaving, their hair standing on end....that they have "morning breath" and the trash still needs to be removed and the dishes washed. There is a whole lot of just plain LIVING that a marriage involves that an affair doesn't. It maybe just the wake up call your W needs.<p>Good luck on finding your healing path! Praying for you and your boys.

Hi Sad Daddy, Frist let me say how sorry I am for what you are going through, I myself have been through the same emotions. I have not responed to any post in a while you see I am really going thru some difficult times, but when I read your post it sounded so much like mine that I had to let you know that you are not alone.<p>My Wh felt the exact same way, didn't want to work on marriage didn't care what he was giving up etc.. Please don't feel alone you have your boys, your family and the people on this board.<p>Let her go, the only way that these Ws spouses will realize what they are doing is to play this out to the end, no matter who they hurt.<p>Your kids will be okay they are a lot stronger than you think, just be there for them and let them know you love them and its not there fault.<p>
Let her go for now you are not going to make her see what she is doing, you will be okay, If I can make it through this you can, I am going through the exact same thing except now I have taken it 1 step further, My Wh stopped paying the bills so now I had to file for divorce and take him to court to get him to pay temp. support I to have 3 kids and a small part time job, my WH doesn't care if we lose the house. Stay strong and keep posting my thoughts are with you.<p>
Love and Hugs Sally

Your situaiton sounds almost like the example in SAA (Surviving an Affair) with Sue and John.<p>Sounds like Plan B time so that your WW can see if whe really wants the other life. It may take a little time, but - well you read what happened in the book. <p>Some of these WS's have to learn the hard way. At least mine does - he's doing the exact same thing. What really bothers me is his callous attitiude toward the kids - like they'll be fine no matter what he does - he's going to get a real eye opener eventually when the kids start complaining about going from house to house etc. They're not going to be the I love you daddy all the time kids - and they'll blame the OW for the break up - did I also mention that WH's and OW's will probably fight all the time - we have boys and she has girls. <p>Time to refocus on the kids. They will really need you now. Stay strong. It's an addiciton, it's not you!<p>Also - I want to know why all the BS's on this board couldn't have gotten married. We'd have all been faithful to each other. <p>K

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sad Daddy:
<strong>I doubt that this will be the case here. Her affair has been going on for 18 months...13 of them that her family knows about..yet she continues. They haven't even spent an entire night together yet.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi, Sad D,
I don't really have much to add to the good advice you have already been given, just wanted to make sure you understand that these are all GOOD points you have been told.<p>Sure, 18 months sounds like an awfully long time, BUT (this was mentioned, too) if they haven't even spent an entire night together....then they've spent - what? Like 40 hours together. Hell, they would spend THAT MUCH time together in ONE WEEK if they were to move in together....then it would get interesting!! <p>Oh!! And what if she wanted to bring the kids around to spend a week-end??? Do they wake EARLY on Saturdays and turn on cartoons, really LOUD?!?! Do they get nightmares, and crawl into bed with you at the WORST possible times!?!?!? <p>See?? Even if she DID get with him full time, does HE realize that the "whole package" includes 3 rambunctious boys that will spend at least PART of the time with her?!?!?<p>Hang in there....once she gets "exactly what she (thinks) she wants," things will change between them. In the meantime, I hope you are concentrating on YOU. Fix whatever was wrong that missed some of her EN's that allowed him to move in...take good care of yourself so that you can stay strong and focused....this whole ALIEN SPACESHIP ride is NOT for the faint of heart. And take NOTHING she says or does to heart....it's NOT about YOU, it's ALL ABOUT HER.<p>God Bless,

Dear Saddad,<p>I am sorry to hear of this turn of events. Despite the dark times ahead, what I see is a bit of light. Dim, flickering and full of darkness around but still a bit of light. <p>I would like to share this bit of light with you. I see that since your W really has not spent time with this 'great om', she as you are well aware very much still in the dark. <p>Kinda like let them go and fall down on their own, after they get scratched up a bit, they may wake up to reality. Hard reality but reality none the less. <p>My H had to do that. Letting go was soo hard for me but in his case very necessary. Even now he is not sure if it would have worked out with them but then he is scared when he thinks of her potential based on her history with him. hm..... we can all see it but until they go and prove it to their beclouded mind they refuse to see any of it. <p>So dear dad, you must release her and move on. When she does wake up (it will happen) where you and your boys are in the path of life may or may not include her, the choice will then be yours. <p>For now, move on and protect your family. Anyone who is willing to throw their family away for a definite maybe does not deserve a family. Harsh words? Yes, I am sorry. They are not meant for you but for your W. These are the same words I gave my H when I gave him the green light to go and leave our family. I reminded him that he was throwing us away. He kept saying that we were throwing him away (more fogese), I had to remind him that I was not the one driving him up to the OW's lair..... <p>Hugz,
L.

Thanks Guy & Dolls, <p>You people are the greatest !! I needed to read these and i know they are all correct. I have to let her go...but i think i must file to protect me & my kids. THEN i will wait it out and see what works out with them. Unfortunately, he has been around my kids alot...but he was always the good guy then....my oldest kid won't see him as good anymore and the youngest 2 will take after their brother. <p>I will tell these kids the truth...they at least deserve that. I think i am ready to let her go...just hard to deal with letting the kids know. They know i love them and will ALWAYS be there for them. I have to hold onto them..they are all i have got now. <p>How do you people deal with HER family. I have been around them for 18 years and love them like they were my own. They are all on my "side" on this, but she is also their daughter, sister, etc. Blood is thicker than water. It's bad when both her Dad and Mom or telling me to boot her butt out !!! <p>I agree...WHY couldn't all these BS's have gotten married and all the WS's could fight it out between themselves. Another thing that bothers me is that all the BS women seem to want to give their WS sex..and get rejected. That was alot of our problem to begin with...she NEVER wanted sex...still doesn't..from me at least !