my wife and i have been separated for almost 2 yrs. the separation was initiated in the most hurtful manner possible (to me) and many events that followed were handled the same.
here's my dilemma. we have made progress in our relationship since the separation. at the time my wife moved out with the kids, i could not even hold her hand. these days, she seems to enjoy my company and on occasion our relationship has been romantic and physical.
she has said she would like to move back home. but when asked when? she never knows. all the while, financially this event has more or less destroyed me. without this becoming a "slam the wife" fest, she left a considerable debt in my lap and i've had to spend thousands of dollars in attorneys fees over and above the thousands spent in counseling with dr. harley (most of which, she forgot to attend or remained sooooo neutral that the sessions where essentially pointless for her).
my concern is, while i have TOTALLY committed myself since the day she left to addressing exactly what went wrong, it does not seem to me she done anything remotely close to being "unselfish". in her world, i was the blame for our separation and she supposedly worked so hard for years to preserve a healthy relationship. i never saw these efforts nor do i now. she still shows very poor relationship skills, starting with a COMPLETE lack of communication. i am stuck living in a life of "don't get heavy" with a person who is tremendously complacent in life. her separation from me was completely facilitated by her mother (based on the fact I WAS TO BLAME). now, things are in some ways very healthy and largest obstacle to a strong relationship is the fact we live separately and no one is guiding her back home. i dont want to get on my horse about the seemingly far to common torturous pain that is being inflicted on the breadwinner in families these days but...
she continues to deepen her roots where she is living now including the end of year surprise that she purchased a HORSE! the ridiculous nature of this act takes a back seat to the fact she blatantly lied to me when i asked if she was planning on getting a horse. she later admitted she lied. this lie is just another in a VERY long list of hurtful lies. it was established a long time ago that she can justify ANY hurtful behaviour.
i believe whole-heartedly in the mb concepts and i honestly believe they can work. i cannot say i believe in my wife. these concepts must work for people with a desire to do the right thing or minimally not to squander a family. ( yeah she comes from divorced parents so its nothing new to her... )she has continued to "do nothing" for the good of our lives or our children's and what's most problematic is whenever i try to take a path for us, she cannot stick to it. this is a pretty common characteristic in her life. i have no money for a counselor ( i barely have enough $'s for groceries ) which is a terrible thought considering the unbelievable amount of money i make.
i have remained faithful since the day i said "i do". i have been blessed with good looks and i have always kept in good shape. while i've always been (apparently) attractive to women, i could never justify nailing the coffin shut on my wife. these days, its is very difficult spend every single night sitting around "pine-ing for the wife" with an indordinate number of opportunities at my disposal. needless to say, i do not have the support of my friends. especially those who know of the way she conducted herself while living with me.
where i once questioned my behaviour and what it did to our relationship, i now question hers and what it would do our relationship in the future.
any advice would be GREATLY APPRECIATED.
thanks.

bailey'sdaddy hi,
In my first marriage I had a similar experience.
It is very depressing to be treated so cruelly and with time I realised that it is best to end it.
Do you feel by having sex with her you are in some way condoning her behaviour?

Hi!<p>Well, your situation is very different from mine, so I'm certainly not an expert, and my advice should be taken with a grain of salt!<p>It sounds like your wife is fence-sitting in a way. If there's no OM in the picture, sounds like she's simply wanting the benefits of being single (own place, etc.), with the benefits of being married (having you there for her, at her convenience).<p>For a few fence-sitters out there, sometimes Plan A works on its own. And then again, sometimes Plan B is needed. But given that you've made some progress, sounds like Plan B with no "directed discussion" would be counter-productive.<p>Sounds like if you could clearly communicate what you need from her, let her know that it's important to you, and that you're willing to do what's necessary to meet her needs - then what else is there to do? Give her some time to respond in action, maybe. If there's no action, then maybe Plan B or a form of it? You do have options - and I appreciate your position (i.e. thinking about being really, really loved by someone!).

i was kind of worried about that. frankly, by not walking away, i feel i am condoning her behaviour.
there apparently is a pretty fine line between "adhering to the mb concepts" and letting a person walk all over you in the name of preserving love.
it just seems to me that past a certain point, i began to question my integrity and that definitely made me feel bad about myself.

Baileysdaddy hi,
It is a fine line. One way might be to initiate affection and then stop before it starts to look like sex without comment. If she initiates, decline gracefully saying you'd love to but under the circumstances it doesn't seem appropriate.