I would appreciate some thoughts on my situation:

Last August I found calls on my husbands cell phone bill to a women that works for the same company he does but in a location that is three hours away. These calls were made to both her cell and home phone numbers, most calls were made first thing in the morning and just before coming home in the evening. I confronted him with the phone bill and asked him who's number he had been calling, at first he lied and said it was to a friend but I told him I knew who's number they were and wanted to know what was going on? He said he was calling to check on her because she was going through a hard time and needed someone to talk too. This women is 10 years younger than me and is very beautiful. My husband is in sales and has a free schedule but is not in her area but once or twice a quarter. I have tormented myself thinking about my husband having an affair with her. He has not made a call to her on his cell phone since I found out. I look back over his cell phone bills for three months prior to August to see if there were any calls made. Thankfully there were not. He told me he contacted her and said his checking on her was a mistake and could have led to something more and he would not be calling her again. He has assured me that he is not involved with her and loves only me. I want to believe him but I find that because of this my trust in him has eroded and I question what he says to me and if his affection towards me are genuine. We have been married for 17 years and have 3 children. These actions are unusual for my husband, and in some ways I feel like there is a part of him I don't know anymore realizing he would seek out another women and hold feelings for her that he would keep secret from me. Am I being naive? Or am I being stupid for not trusting my husband?

Acme.. I agree is sounds a little suspicious, but I dont think there is enough quite yet to confirm. The fact that he lied about it is not good, but perhaps he was just worried you would misunderstand it. How is the communication in your marriage, any other warning signs? I got this link from redhat's signiture file it lists some things to look for:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=28&t=000985<p>Regardless it probably wouldnt hurt to work on the marriage. read up on the concepts here andsee if you are meeting your husband's EN. If everything ends up being nothing, it can only bring you closer together... something I wish I had done a long time ago. If you dont wan to pressure him and think reading or refering to this webside (since it focuses a bit on infidelity) you can look at the book called his needs her needs which is more about marriage building. Maybe you can tell him that you want to try this for fun or something. <p>I hope your suspicions turn out to be false.<p>godbless

Thank you for your response. It actually made me feel better just to seek out someone's opinion. I have not felt I could confide in anyone close to me because all I have are suspicions and I didn't want to damage my husbands reputation or in some ways reveal my wounded pride. Keeping silent has its price. I don't seem to be able to move past the suspicions and stop worrying that my husband is interested in this other women or keep from second guessing what he does and says. I am not able to talk to my husband about this anymore. The last time we talked about my fears and suspicions he told me he thought I keep bringing them up so I would have a reason the leave him. This of course this is not true. On another occasion when we talked he told me I was crazy and loosing perspective and needed to see a doctor and get on prozac. I don't want to make my husband sound as if he is void of any emotions but I am alone to work this out for myself and so far I am not doing too well. I am aware that if these phone calls were just as he said, to check on her with no emotional attachments or physical contact then I can see his irritation. On the other hand there is something in the back of my mind or deep in my heart that makes me wonder.?????

Acme....Oh, boy, do I know how you feel. First of all let me tell you that you have come to the right spot. I am going through some of the same things. My H and I have been married 21 years. A wonderful man and loving H who I have always trusted COMPLETELY! I would like you to read my posts about opposite sex friends. Now I have learned about emotional affairs. No sex, so H thinks he is doing no wrong. My H has been saying the EXACT same things to me about me being crazy and needing medication! I may be crazy about a lot of things but not about this. If you knew us, you would know how bazaar this all is. Totally out of character as well. I'll ask you what others have asked me....How old is your H? Mine is 42...the perfect age. For three months now I have lived in doubt and I have lost 40 pounds and have become paralized. Go to the MB discussion forum and look up Other Topics. My thread is under opposite sex friendship. Read my posts, then if you like, reply. You are probably scared...I have been for three months. Your H is probably doing nothing but I think we have to trust our intuition. If you feel a red flag, especially in a long term marriage, you need to pay attention to it. I think the "you're crazy" thing is a fairly common response for men. YOU are NOT crazy...you are feeling normal feelings. If anything, this situation can give you an opportunity to work on making your marriage stronger. Now, go read my story!

Acme...Hopefully it was exactly as he stated. I do understand that once a red flad has been raised, it's hard to know if that is all it was or a true crisis. But as of right now, you can't know for sure what it was. So, as hard as it might be, accept his statements and go on living your life as if you completely believe him (he may very well be telling you the whole truth). I do tend to accept his statement especially since you found no other calls in the previous months. If in the future you discover that he has been less then honest with you...that is the time to deal with it. Suspicion can harm YOU and your marriage. I don't say bury your head in the sand, but don't stick it on a post to be shot at either.

Well, some others here have used programs called keystroke loggers to "snoop" on their possibile WS' computer use. There are debates on here from time to time about the ethics of using that software. You'd have to decide for yourself if you want to go down that avenue.<p>
Have either of you had a previous marriage or has an A touched either of your lives before? If it IS just a fear maybe thats where it came from?<p>Your husbands response if you wrote it as he said it, seems kinda hostile or defensive though. But dont take my opinion on that as I am a tad suspicious these days.<p>re: cantstop's reply that I think the "you're crazy" thing is a fairly common response for men.I was thinking thats more a common response of someone being defensive (regardless of sex)I heard something similar when I asked my wife.<p>Anyhow, keep your chin up feel free to post, we're listening.<p>[ January 31, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Yes, you are right in correcting me. I guess it is common among all spouses who are being defensive. Guess it is still hard for me to look much past my own pain. But you are right, HangingIn. For someone who never thought she would ever being discussing this topic about her own life, I am becoming quite verbal on this subject. Why must they try to make us think we are crazy? And is this a normal response to take the blame and light off themselves? Him, trying to make me feel as though I am not stable because I can think such a thing, hurts almost as much as the EA.

Here are my thoughts on it; It is hard to find a balance with being a attentive listening trusting spouse trying to understand our WS' words AND ignoring things said out of anger. I'm strugling with this now as my wife goes through "withdrawl" for the OM and doubts about our M. Sometimes unfortunately when someone is pressured or forced to discuss a painful subject the person will say things to end it quick as possible. Maybe thats it? <p>I know what you mean about becomeing verbose =) I've become quite a windbag, but it helps, it really does

Thanks for the input,
Re: Hangingin,
neither my husband or I have had a history of infidelity or have either of us been married before. All of this has taken me such by surprise! Towards July-August of last year I felt things had changed in our marriage but I couldn't put my finger on what it was, and quite by accident (I was going to pay the bill) did I find calls on the cell phone bill. It has been 5 months and honestly it feels like it happen last week. Will I ever move past these feelings of fear and insecurity???

Hi Acme,<p> Do NOT discount those red flags...I'm not saying your H is having an affair but the calls are warning signs that something is not quite right and he might be subconsciously looking.<p>The same thing happened to me , I found out about some calls from my H to an ex GF and my H assured me nothing was wrong, sent me roses ,told me he loved me and I was acting crazy.I felt so uneasy about the calls and convinced myself that I was overreacting.<p>The calls stopped but 1yr. later H was having an affair with someone else. What I wouldn't have given to have found this site at the time of the calls. Instead I convinced myself he was telling me the truth and went on my merry head in the sand way.<p>I would look at what you found as a "gift" in a way, read the concepts here and affair proof your marriage NOW, you are NOT crazy.........LU

Acme, its definately possible for you to move past your feelings. I don't know if they are feelings of insecurity because that makes it sound like the fears are totally without basis in reality.<p>I think what would help you might be to work on your marriage, like I posted I think above. I believe feelings of mistrust and suspicion can be overcome by open honest communication. If you and your husband do not have that yet, which it sounds like you may not, try to work on that. Again if your suspcions turn out baseless than at worse it will strengthen your marriage and trust. I think bottom line your fears are that you don't trust your husband, and Hey you have a decent case not to. The only way to build trust is with communication so you let each other know what each other are feeling or thinking. <p>Keep in touch =)

Acme....me, too.....me, too....... me, too...!!!! My H and I have been married 21 years. Neither of us has been married before either. He NEVER gave me a reason...not one, ever....not to trust him. A few months ago I felt like something was amiss as well. Thank God he lost his job and had an accident or I would have never been aware. I, too, was going to pay the cell phone bill. Wasn't snooping but boy did I have a shock!
HanginIn....Went to book store today and looked for a few of Harley's books. None in stock. Can you give us a little back ground into what Plan A exactly is? I think I have been doing some of it since October 25. Think/thought H was responding until OW told me as a "friend" that I was smothering him! Remember.....I do think that this is ONLY a EA. I doubt the pain could be much worse. But I am working on removing his need for dependency on this 32 year old, married three times bimbo! His secretary for 7 years. Now, after plant closing, new business partner/friend! But as long as they were secluded at the plant miles away I wasn't aware of their closeness. Just thought they were friendly because she isn't his type at all and everyone who knows us think we have the marriage to aspire to. Willing to do what it takes though. He still fervently says that they are just close friends but I KNOW what is going on is inappropriate at best. He IS making appointment with our priest because he thinks I am the CRAZY one.