There is a junior member that has asked this question a couple of times now, but isn't getting responses - probably not realizing which forum to post in. <p>Can someone help him out? This situation is "too close to home" for me, so I cannot respond to him. (my husband admits to an almost mistake only.) <p>His thread is located here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=5&t=001789<p>Thanks, TNT<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I told my wife, of and affair that she new about, that I never have sexual relations with that woman. Which was the true.
How ever I had three other affair that involve sex, and I told her that I have never sleep with another woman.
I have to do this other wise she will be devastated.
I consulted my confessor, and he agree with me and gave absolution.
I have not have any other affair for twenty years, and I dont plan too.
What is your opinion.<hr></blockquote>

Hi Tnt,<p>I just invited him over to GQII. <p>L.

Howdy,<p>The questions you need to ask yourself are:<p>What is the purpose of admitting this? Is the purpose to absolve yourself of guilt? Is it to be totally honest? If so, then why now?
Will it hurt someone? It this someone likely to go into depression because of the revelation?
Is that hurt mendable? Can the hurt be repaired so that trust is again attained? Is this hurt just another among many other hurts?<p>I can't really tell anyone whether they should or should not be totally honest about any particular event. Dr. Harley talks about radical honesty in hist book(s). Take a look at his explanation for a better understanding of how honest you need to be in this particular situation.<p>Hope this helps or at least gives you something to think about.
jdb

Here is what Dr. Harley says:<p>"Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. 'Why add insult to injury,' they reason. 'What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?' As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.<p>"But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.<p>"It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.<p>"It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative, and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth."<p>This is from the Q&A column section of this website in the column titled Coping With Infidelity: Part 2. It is most helpful to read that entire section.<p>Speaking as a victimized spouse, I can tell you that you are robbing your spouse of their dignity and their freedom of choice when you treat them with such disrespect.

Welcome to GQII,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I have not have any other affair for twenty years, and I dont plan too.
<hr></blockquote><p>By this, do you mean that the affairs happened 20 years ago? Even so, your W deserves to know the truth. If all this was 20 years ago, and you have been a loving husband since then, maybe we can help you to help your W trust you again.<p>Please write to us. I'll go read you other posts now. Welcome.
Estes