Overall, life is good. I am content with my life as it is. After a year of recovery following an 8 month false-start, the emotions have settled drastically and life is pretty &#8220;normal&#8221; (as best as I can remember &#8220;normal&#8221;, anyway [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ). <p>But with the waning in the intensity of the emotions, I have also noticed a waning in the intensity of my *ahem* desire [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] . I have looked at various possible explanations, from Plan A burnout to anti-dep usage to low &#8220;love bank balance&#8221; to lack of quality time together and anything else I can think of. I have tried a few times to broach the subject with H, with little success.<p>I have noticed from experience, as well as from reading about women in general, that affection can go a long way in re-lighting the fire. I tried to discuss this with H last night, thinking (or maybe just hoping) he would be eager to do that little extra to keep the spark lit in me. I think he would definitely see a return on his &#8220;investment.&#8221; But he seemed reluctant and defensive, and I felt that he was saying if it doesn&#8217;t just come naturally (no pun intended [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) it shouldn&#8217;t be forced. I tried to be as upbeat as I could (at least at first, then it went downhill). I did not blame him in any way. I suggested that a hug or kiss at times other than when we are in bed would go a long way in getting me warmed up ahead of time. <p>Before you respond (if you respond), I feel you should know that he lurks here, sometimes frequently. It is very possible he will be reading this. (Hi!) <p>What I would like are some suggestions that I can use myself to get more in the mood. We have talked about this affection need of mine many times. I know I can&#8217;t change his basic personality, and that&#8217;s OK. I think I have done a pretty decent job of meeting his needs, as he defined them early in our pseudo-recovery. I don&#8217;t want this part of our marriage to become drudgery, when I know how spectacular it can be. So I want to do what needs to be done for me.

First...anti-depression meds can kill desire. You may want to check on whatever you are taking and see if it can be changed if it is part of the problem.<p>Maybe you're talking it to death. Or you're looking for it so hard that you are canceling out the "spark" because you are afraid you won't find it.<p>When H comes home...GIVE him a kiss, don't expect him to come up and kiss you...you be the aggressor. Watching TV...go snuggle up next to him, take his arm and put it around your shoulders for a few minutes or a movie. Passing each other in the kitchen, touch his hand, arm, body lightly. SMILE. Look into his eyes when you speak. THINK about sex, but don't talk about it. Write a small note and put it in his briefcase, car, wherever he will find out when you are not there (can be a little spicy). Send him a voice mail telling him something about how much you appreciate him and his efforts. PRAISE and stroke the ego. (This may take a while and if you don't get the response you are looking for, it's hard on the ole ego...but keep at it. He'll crack when he discovers he's addicted to this type of attention.)<p>Now for YOU: Do whatever is needed to make you feel good about you! Smell good, look good, and wear something that makes you feel sexual. We can "train" our bodies to stop wanting something that for whatever reason ceased being enjoyable for a time, now you must "re-train" it to remember and experience what you deemed....spectacular!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, wifey. I have tried most of your suggestions. I don't think I have talked it to death, maybe just thought it to death. I am very touchy-feely, both with H and with our girls--spontaneous hugs, touches, and kisses. A couple of months ago, I was fixing breakfast on a Sunday morning (part of my Plan A, "better me"--I've never been a breakfast person), and my oldest D came up behind me, hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek. I just about passed out! Later, I told her how much it meant to me, that I don't get that kind of treatment very often, and she said, "That's sad." <p>I greet H in the evenings with a kiss. Sometimes I will sit on his lap while he is watching TV, and while he doesn't tell me to get off, there is no reciprocal hug or squeeze or kiss (at least, not that I can remember), just shifts the remote to the other hand. He has told me that he enjoys these passing touches, and after dday #1 he told me, as well as our girls, that he would most definitely be increasing the PDA. <p>I have read that sometimes actually scheduling time for intimacy is helpful, which we actually did for a few years prior to the A's. We did still have our spontaneous moments, but overall this led to the "rut" that he attributes at least partially to leading to the A's. <p>We are going to a marriage retreat sponsored by our church this weekend. Maybe this will give us both, or at least me, a jump-start.<p>[ January 30, 2002: Message edited by: Persevering ]</p>

I know that you asked about what YOU could do let me just say that when we talked about this in counseling and our MC said she oftens suggest to couples is to "fake it, 'til you make it"<p>She (C) says this might be tough to do but it does work...perhaps your H is willing to try this... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck <p>E