I am new to this forum and I hope desparately that someone can help me figure out what to do. I am at wits end. Here it goes. My husband told me last Tuesday night that he was in love with someone else. At that time he had only talked to her on the phone and emailed. Our marriage was awful to say the least. Neither one of us have been happy in years but I never thought this would happen. I went to stay with my parents so we could try and work it out from a distance because I didn't want to say or do anything that I would regret. Since then he has seen her and according to President Clinton didn't have a sexual encounter but according to me he did. Trying to tell the story but nicely. He know tells me that he likes the way that I have been talking to him. I have been trying to be understanding and not get angry with him. To sum this up he wants me to come home and be his best friend and have sex but know that he is in love with her and that he still wants to have sex with her. Now, I love this man very much and I don't know if I go home and work on the relationship and try and fill back up his love bank or tell him he has to break it off with her. I also have 3 children 4 and under and am currently expecting so there is a lot of reason to try and make this marriage work. Also, my husband has never cheated before. He was totally lacking in the emotional needs he needed which so was I. I went into a deep depression and he reached out to someone else. I just don't know what to do. I want to go back but I also don't know if that will make it so he feels he never will have to choose. Please give me some feedback I really need help.
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I am here. Give me a few minutes to post.<p>HbH

lorisue,
As you know the " ball can't bounce both ways". Your H can't expect that either. You say your marriage hasn't been that good. Why? Have you or your husband read any of the Harley books? It may help and people here will also.
Brw
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I'm sure hurtbyhubby will give you some great advice, but I'll give you the nuts and bolts.<p>First, I'm so sorry that you are going through this!!!!!!! You are feeling a wide range of emotions and just feel free to let them out.<p>It's wonderful that you found this site so soon. You need to read all the info. on this site Q&As, Concepts, Articles. And the book (SAA)Surviving and Affair by Harley and His Needs Her Needs by Harley. The book SAA will be a real eye opener to say the least. The key is to be as educated as you can about the subject so that you can make some informed decisions.<p>First, I'd move back into the house ASAP. It's easier to Plan A while living with your spouse and it makes it harded for him to continue the affair while you are there. <p>There are some posts for new comers - you may want to scroll down until you find one either on this board or on any other other boards. Those posts will link you to other helpful information.<p>Once you become familiar with the information, you will want to download the questionaires off this site especially the EN's and LB's questionaires and see if your H would fill one out, if not you pretend you are he and fill it out as if you were your husband. Then begin fulfilling his EN's and stop all LBing(olove busting).<p>He sound like he would be receptive.<p>IF H does want to end the A, then SAA has rules for rebuilding a marriage - and info. about sending no-contact letter, as well as info. on withdrawal - which your H will go through after ending the A. <p>This will all begin to makes sense after you do some more reading.<p>Our prayers are with you. K

Thanks. He just emailed me saying we was very excited at the thought of us living together as roomates. Also mentioning that she was going to be in town in 2 weeks for a visit and he wanted to see her then. I am so confused.

We were both emotionally messed up when we married but in love. Everything seemed to really fall apart when our oldest who would now be 6 passed away four years ago. There are a lot of resentments and blame. I was there when it happened. I was making ice cream and my son was playing in the garage and he crawled out he doggy door and jumped in the pool. I looked all over for him. It never dawned on me that he could even fit out the door. It wasn't big. Anyway, when I found him it was too late. So there is a lot there for him to blame me on and I have the resentment that I didn't want a house with a pool. I argued with him for ages before we bought but it didn't work. So this marriage has been under stress for a long time. My husband is also a recovering alchol and drug addict. He got sober just 4 months before our son died. Those 4 months were really great. But then it all fell apart.

Hi Lorisue and welcome to MB!!!<p>Recovery for you and your H is a shaky road. It is difficult, painful, and the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.<p>But, it is worth it in the end. And, I say that regardless of whether or not you end up together.<p>Read up on the information on this site. It sounds like your husband is doing what is called "waffling". He wants both of you so he can have all his EN's filled.<p>The best thing you can do right now is to plan A.<p>What does that mean?<p>Well, plan A is for YOU. That means, you become the type of person YOU want to be. You work on your flaws, the things that will make you a better person in the end. The EN worksheet and LB worksheet are great for this.<p>1. Because if you are focusing on meeting another person's EN's, you may actually start to enjoy yourself and like the new person you are becoming. Yes, you feel like a doormat often, it is not exactly an easy place to be, but you know deep down inside that YOU are giving it your all.
2. It helps to stop you from love busting and doing the things that were/are really harmful to your marriage.<p>Most likely, your H will not just drop the OW and be all gung-ho about working on your marriage. You should expect this. That is why plan A is so crucial. So that the last thing your H remembers about you is positive. You want to leave him with that kind of impression. It feels good.<p>Plan A is not to try and get your H back. Only HE can make that choice. Plan A just takes away all the garbage that may be clouding his mind.<p>If you can counsel with the Harley's, that would be awesome. They are great at this stuff.<p>IF, your H does decide to end it with OW and work on the marriage, post here, immediately. There are alot of things you should expect to happen and there are certain things you should INSIST on before taking this plunge. <p>But, he has to make the choice first, you can't just go shove all your demands down his throat. So, for now, just plan A until that hopefully happens.<p>The book Surviving an Affair by Steve Harley is excellent information for this.<p>Always remember, when in doubt, trust his actions, not his words. <p>As for moving back in with him... It is your choice. It is easier to do plan A while living with him, but realistically most of us here barely last a month in plan A when the WS is actively involved in an affair and shoving it in our face. Some people though, can last a year or more.<p>Another option you have is to plan A from your parents house. It all depends on your boundaries and what you can and cannot live with. Tell him that you will be willing to meet his needs, get counseling, etc. as long as he is willing to end it with OW and work with you on this. Only then will you move back in. Otherwise, you are letting him go and he is free to do as he pleases. This is MUCH tougher and you will have to work very hard to plan A, but it does preserve your self respect and lessens the pain of seeing him with OW on a regular basis.<p>It is entirely your choice. <p>Your marriage can survive and/or at least YOU will become a stronger person in the end. I know that is hard to believe now. My 1st D-day was almost a year ago and it still hurts to think about it.<p>You actually sound very strong compared to how I was and many others on this board. I was borderline suicide for a very long time.<p>I heard the same words as you on my D-day. If you read posts here, you will see it is typical WS fog-talk.<p>Don't believe any of it. You know that your husband loved you at one time and that you loved him, right? <p>My husband loves me more now than he has in the past 4 years. We are closer than ever and are in recovery. We still have our issues to work out (just see my signature for goodness sake), but what can you do? Recovery is HARD work.<p>Read as much as you can here. I am sure some others will be along shortly to post to you.<p>HbH

Well, that took a while and I just saw your updates. First off, I want to say how sorry I am that you had to go through that pain 4 years ago.<p>There are others on this board that also lost a child prior to their WS's having affairs. WAT and Topie25 are two I can think of off the top of my heads. You may want to post to them.<p>It does make a huge difference. Your husband probably never dealt with this (and maybe you have not either, I don't know enough to say). If you say your marriage kept going downhill from there, you probably never dealt with it effectively. Having that many kids one after another doesn't help either. A spouse's needs tend to get pushed aside when kids come into the picture.<p>It is VERY good to understand where the base of your troubles lie so that if you ever do get in recovery you know where to start... So that is a plus on your side.<p>That is good that your husband is excited about you two moving in. It means he still considers you his best friend. <p>You are meeting the majority of his EN's. This OW is just there to pick up the slack for a little while. (it's the fog and it SUCKS)<p>You are in a better position than most here on MB in that your H obviously still cares about you and wants to have you in his life.<p>As long as you don't file, you will probably be able to work this out once your husband's affair dies a natural death and he realizes how much he never really loved this woman.<p>The key is making sure YOU still want to work on the marriage by the time that happens. A good plan A will help expedite his affair ending.<p>I don't want to get your hopes up too much, it doesn't always go this way, but it is a realistic scenario and one you can hope for at least (if nothing else).<p>I am truly sorry for the pain you are in. Have you considered getting on antidepressants? Oh wait, you said you were expecting... When are you due?<p>HbH

Lorisue,
I'm glad that you told the story. I'm very sorry. There can no pain worse than that. The advice you get here can greatly help with your marriage but by the sound of things there are other issues that the BOTH of you need to deal with. Have either of you tried counseling? I hope your H hears your desperation. It is only YOU and HE that can understand what you both have gone through. Only the both of you can work through it together.
Brw [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]