Going on 1 month now that W found out about an affair that I had with woman off of the internet, she asked me to leave and filed order of protection against me. I have since had to get an apartment, I am scheduled to move everything out on Saturday. I have not been able to apologize for what I did. She also wants me to sign divorce papers on Saturday as well. She also says that if I want to apologize she wants me give her money for rent, and bills, sign divorce papers when I pick up my things and not to ever come back to our church again, that is just as much my church as it is hers, she says that it will hurt her to see me there, I love that church and the pastor has been very helpful by counseling after dday. Please help!<p>dday 1/8/02
she asked me to leave 1/8/02
ex parte filed against me 1/14/02
order of protection granted 1/24/02
third marriage for her second she comitted adultery
second marriage for me
she has 2 children 21 yr old son and 19 yr old daughter
I have 11 yr old son

WOW, this all happened so fast. Did you want to try to recover the M? How is the divorce proceeding so quickly? So sorry this is happening. I believe that church should be neutral ground. Your W may have the rights when it comes to the house, visitation with kids, etc., but I don't believe she can tell you where you can go to church. I say keep going. Understand that she's hurting and try as much as possible to avoid her. Do they have more than 1 service? Perhaps you could switch services. Prayers going out to you.<p>MOM

I have somewhat the same problem. I am the BS. My d-day was 05/07/01 and my W and I look as though we will now end up D. We go to a very small Baptist church and I really love it. My son was saved there and he loves his teachers and will not consider leaving. I am deeply rooted in this church but it is also the church of her family. They cannot beleive this whole mess and have no ill feelings towards me, but I am sure my SI would perfer I go somewhere else and WW stay. Up to now we have both gone and everything was cool. But with the new year and my discovering she as been back in contact with OM, I'm done. I will see how it goes, but if I can't get in the spirit of worship, someting will need to happen.<p>If you are the WS and your W cannot worship with you there, it is MHO, you should go.<p>Either way, seek God's will and things will improve.<p>Peace,<p>N2N

Going on 1 month now that W found out about an affair that I had with woman off of the internet, she asked me to leave and filed order of protection against me. I have since had to get an apartment, I am scheduled to move everything out on Saturday. I have not been able to apologize for what I did. She also wants me to sign divorce papers on Saturday as well. She also says that if I want to apologize she wants me give her money for rent, and bills, sign divorce papers when I pick up my things and not to ever come back to our church again, that is just as much my church as it is hers, she says that it will hurt her to see me there, I love that church and the pastor has been very helpful by counseling after dday. Please help!<p>
It seems that you are giving in to easily where you should be standing some ground and standing ground where you should be treading lightly.<p>…..she asked me to leave and filed order of protection against me.<p>Have you ever done anything to physically threaten her or hurt her in any way? If not, why haven’t you obtained an attorney to get the protection order but aside? A protection order is not for the purpose of just telling someone that you do not want them in your life.<p>….I am scheduled to move everything out on Saturday.<p>You have said this for the last few weeks. Why does the move date keep changing? Just curious.<p>…..I have not been able to apologize for what I did.<p>It has been suggested that you write her a letter apologizing. Also that you post it here if you wish so that people here can help you if you wish to have that help. It seems to me that you also told us that you apologized to her when she found out. So what do you mean by apology. What is it that you want to say/do that she is not letting you say/do? You need to be very specific about this.<p>…… She also wants me to sign divorce papers on Saturday as well.<p>You don’t have to do this. Have you had an attorney review the papers? Are you in agreement with them? Do they divide assets and debt to your liking and in accordance with what the law provides? Have you even had a chance to read them yet? This is not how a divorce is done. She files, you are served, you get your attorney to check out the papers she is offering.<p>Is there going to be a court hearing or any ramifications from the order of protection? If so, this should be settled before the divorce is negotiated. If you wait until afterwards, then she will be in a position to do/say anything she pleases… as there will be no ramifications for her if she is not telling the truth. (Let me say, that if you have ever been violent or threatening to her.. then all I have said is off.. then you need to stand up like a man and admit your guilt.)<p>….. She also says that if I want to apologize she wants me give her money for rent, and bills<p>What? This is blackmail of the stupidest sort. If you have a retraining order against you, then how do you know she is saying this? Are you talking to her? Or is this through the grape vine? According the to laws in your state, do you owe her any spousal support since the time you moved out? If not, then don’t give her a dime. I know that she is a hurt BS this is ridiculous behavior on her part (from what you have told us.) How is she going to pay her bills once you two are divorced? Does she have a job? How long have the two of you been married? <p>….. and not to ever come back to our church again, that is just as much my church as it is hers, she says that it will hurt her to see me there, I love that church and the pastor has been very helpful by counseling after dday.<p>Well she cannot make you leave the church. But if there is a restraining order, you are in violation of that order if you are in church at the same time she is. Does the church have another service? If so go to it. You are finding out what WS’s don’t seem to realize when they engage in affairs, the ramifications are far reaching. They hurt everyone involved, break up families and cause everyone to loose things… like even the church they love.<p>You are the one who committed adultery. If one of you has to leave the church, IMHO it should be you.<p>I am curious. You have posted here on several occasions and gotten some responses. From what I can tell you have not used any of the feed back you were given. What are your plans here? Have you read and used any of the MB material on this web site?

What is GOD telling you to do???

I have been working on the letter and have started over several times not sure if I am on the right track or not but here is a portion of I have so far please let me know what you think.<p>Sharon,
There are many things that I am going to try to cover in this letter first and foremost is my sincere and bended knee apology for bad decisions and choices that I made to become involved in something that would lead to the situation we are in today. I say we becauseyour going through things that are a result of these actions. I admire you for so many things primarily what you stand for, your passion for the Lord and the fact that you are truly focused in on getting our children and others to the Lord. During this time we were going through challenges in our marriage and it was looking back because of the fact that I was not doing what I needed to do as the man and leader of the household. Since you have been saved you have always said that if you dont costantly feed your mind and spriit with Godly things satan would take over. I gave in to seeing another woman.<p>
This is where I am stuck, please help!

I have prayed and asked God to forgive me and I pray that you could find it in your heart to somehow forgive me or at least give me a chance to somehow prove myself trustworthy in your eyes.<p>???<p>How's that so far???<p>Can you talk to your pastor about your wife's request? How did it go on Saturday?

Major ice storm in kansas city last week, was not able to get truck because the power was out in most of the city on Saturday, I like your beginning of the letter, I have the feeling that I am trying to touch on too many things to soon in my letter. I have decided to give her some money, however she still will not talk to me, and I have a problem with that. I understand that she is still angry with me, but she appears to be sticking by the demands of not wanting me to come to the church and to immediately get the divorce done, she did say that she has not started counseling yet. It appears over, my stuff is there for another week, and all she really wants from me is money, an apology does not appear to be at the top of her list. I am going to get the surviving and affair book today to work on letter, thanks for everything.

na,<p>I took a stab at using BTDT's words, yours and some of mine. My comment on your original letter is that you seemed to have no focus. But do keep it short. One thing that is very important is that you tell her exactly what you want and what you are willing to do towards it.<p>It seems to me that your pastor is basically anti-marriage. What I mean by that is his telling your wife that basically the marriage is over. Has he proved either of you a path to rebuilding your marriage? As a pastor he really needs to. Have you gone to him and asked him that? Have you asked him to help you rebuild for the sake of your covenant and your children? If he does not have the skills necessary then you really do need to find a counselor who can help you with this.<p>If you can afford it, it would be wonderful to get an hour or so with Dr. Harley. I'm sure that he would give you some insight into what would be helpful to put in the letter. You are going to have to Plan A your wife if you are going to get to her heart.<p>You say that you have children with your wife? Are you getting about 50% time with them? If not, you need to pursue this so that you can be the father you need to be. Just hit me that you have not mentioned seeing them at all.<p>_______________________________
Sharon,<p>I have prayed and asked God to forgive me and I pray that you could find it in your heart to somehow forgive me or at least give me a chance to somehow prove myself trustworthy in your eyes. I am extending my sincere and bended knee apology for bad decisions and choices that I made to become involved in something that would lead to the situation we are in today. I know that I have caused you untold hurt because I was wallowing in self-piety and was not doing what I needed to do as the man and leader of the household. Since you have been saved you have always said that if you don’t constantly feed your mind and spirit with Godly things Satan would take over. Oh, you are so very right.<p>I admire you for so many things primarily what you stand for, your passion for the Lord and the fact that you are truly focused in on getting our children and others to the Lord. <p>It is my sincere hope that we can find our ways past this pain and recovery our marriage. During this time we were going through challenges in our marriage. We have a choice here, we can throw way all that was good, or we can rebuild based on the good.<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

We have no children together, I do love hers like my own and have not talked to them, I feel like she has turned them against me because they have not called. I just talked to w today to see if we could talk, she said no to call ow whom I have no interest in, she also reiterated that the only way she would talk to me is to send her money, stop going to church and follow through with divorce, she seems to be getting off on the fact that I have no furniture clothes, and that I want to help, but she wont let me close enough to tell her, she says what she wants and hangs up.

Well I put money in her account today, I really like the letter, however not sure how to get it to her since I am not supposed to be contacting her. I have decided however to not stop going to the church, she is very adamant about ending it, also keeps bringing up ow's name and hasnt one time asked me if I am still seeing her, when she found out, we had just started the affair, which does not make it right none the less, but she seems to not care if I am seeing her or not, thank God I am not. W is all I seem to think about the hurt that I have caused the pain to her and the changes that our family is going through, I feel like as long as I feel that she has not started seeing anyone else I will help financially where and when I can, as long as we are still married, but I am going to continue to go to our church, and restraining order simply states that in public places that I not look at her or speak to her and the church is big enough that I wont have to worry about that, but the issue now is how to get the letter to her, and is that enough, or do I need more? Thanks!

RE: I just talked to w today to see if we could talk, she said no to call ow whom I have no interest in, she also reiterated that the only way she would talk to me is to send her money, stop going to church and follow through with divorce, she seems to be getting off on the fact that I have no furniture clothes, and that I want to help, but she wont let me close enough to tell her, she says what she wants and hangs up.<p>Well it sure sounds like your wife is punishing you. To get a different response from her perhaps you need to behave differently. <p>The problem I’m having with you story is that her behavior is rather strange. She just locks you out of her life… poof. It almost seems like there is a big piece of the picture missing. What is it that would make her just turn on your like that? What else had happened in your marriage that she was 2 steps from walking away from you before she found out about the affair? I get the impression that she was.<p>RE: I feel like as long as I feel that she has not started seeing anyone else I will help financially where and when I can, as long as we are still married, <p>As long as you too are still married you share financial responsibility for each other, by law. It does not matter if either of you are seeing someone else. If you were to tell her what you said above, I’m sure she’d take it as your trying to control her with money. <p>Does she earn more or less then you do? If your income is equal or less then hers then there is no reason for you to give her money. If you are only giving the money because she is basically blackmailing you, then you are helping her do so.<p>On the other hand, if you love her, and her income is much lower then yours and her bills higher then yours (not taking into account the $$ for her children). The it would be very “Plan A” to give her enough so as to equalize your income until you reconcile or a divorce takes place.<p>It’s probably a good thing if you continue to attend church with her there. Have you talked to the pastor about him supporting your marital recovery? <p>If you mail the letter to her, does not break the restraining order? It seems that she calls you so there is contact. So mail it to her. You know her address. Do not attempt to hand deliver it, that will get you in trouble.

Maybe your pastor or a mutual friend at church could pass the letter on to your wife??? <p>I also like zorweb's idea of attending a different service than your wife. OR if your church has different services during the week, why not attend the bible studies during the week if your wife attends on Sundays... Just another idea???<p>Give her some more time. Obviously she needs you a lot. Since you have no children with her, you are not obligated financially--I wouldn't think?<p>Hang in there. I believe your heart is in the right place and I believe God will honor you and help you in spite of what has happened in the past. God doesn't use our past to determine our future. Keep the faith! Keep studying His Word!

A little over 2 years ago I had problems with my wife getting mad at me and going out to clubs, and to sing Karoke, there were several incidents where I went to the club she was at and confronted her with other guys who bought her drinks. She would also not where her wedding ring on these occasions. It got to the point where she had moved out of the bedroom and I found out that she was talking to a guy that she had told me that she wasnt. I went to the club where she was at and the guy introduced himself and someone else so not to tip me off, well I found out later that was the guy, that same night she came home and woke up my step daughter, and moved in with a guy that she used to dated before we met, not the same guy as the one who tried to fool me, but they were both in that club that night and she told me that she was telling them that she had to get out of the relationship and he offered her a place to get her self together. She stayed at his house for 2 weeks. It was during this time that she went to the church that would eventually become our church home, she moved back in and we tried to work past what had happened as I have tried to figure out why I did what I did I always go back to that incident, and the fact that she has always believed that she was not unfaithful to me for what she did, but that I made her do it. We had been in counseling and I discussed the fact that she had compared me to men of her past and that I did not measure up so to speak, and that I was not as good as her 2nd ex husband in bed, this always occurred when we argued about sex, and I feel that my self esteem has been shot for a long time with her after that happened regardless of if she slept with him or not, it was an unfaithful act period. That does not mean what I did was right, I only mentioned that to say that as I have gone over and over why I did what I did it kept going back to the times that she would say that I did not satisfy her and that she could have had the guy that she used to date if she wanted him, I know that I am rambling now, but that has to be the reason that she wants out now because she is not satisfied with me sexually. I am the bass player for the choir in the church and she sings in the choir and I am not going to stop for her, I have done a bad thing to her, and I hurt for it, however the church is really the only place that I go, and the pastor has supported me in my decision, I will ask him if he can deliver the letter to her for me, I assume that I should not add anything but keep it short and simple?

Well, in light of your last post, it seems to me that with all these unresolved marital issues, that you BOTH should step down from leading worship temporarily until things settle down a bit.<p>I don't think that you should stop attending church tho, you guys need it! We all need church, but I'm just saying that maybe a little break from center stage to allow a time of healing for both of you would do you some good at this time. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Well W threatened to put me in jail if I played for the choir Wednesday, so I have decided to not play for the adult choir which she is in for the time being and play for the kids choir instead, she said that if I came within 500 feet of her she would have me arrested, thank God we are in a big church and I can sit in the back row when I am there and she is in the choir stand. I really feel this is where God wants me to be right now, she hates me and wants the d and I am now ready to help make it happen. She said that biblically she could do it, and she is taking it as a way out because she feels that I never loved her any way. She also said that I am getting what I deserve with not being able to play in church, even though I have never been violent with her, and with the restraining order she is now ready to put me in jail. Have a plan A letter ready to go for her however not sure how to get it to her, still open for ideas on that. I always get her flowers on valentines day not sure whether to do that or not, she has been known to throw away flowers from me, just from regular arguments let alone this terrible thing that I did to her, would appreciate advise for that as well. Going to a lawyer tomorrow to find out how d work and what I need to do, but I still don't have the papers yet. It is time for me to move on for her sake as well as mine, she wants her freedom back, and I cant say that I blame her for what I did to her!