Last week when h opened his wallet I spotted a condom. Was upset about it, but just left the store, and waited for him in the car. He said that he and friend went out to club and friend gave it to him just in case. So I buy that. But than the first night I was in his room (Sunday) he left me in there alone, I used "his" bathroom, and he seemed really antsy about me looking around, accused me of going through his stuff. But I hadn't. So last night I snooped and I found a big ole' box of condoms, that looked something like the one he had in his wallet, I went back to that cabinet several times, because I was often interrupted, he acted antsy again. But what I found is that it was a box of 12 of some brand we'd never used - He's always brought a couple boxes of 3's but never a box of 12. The box was open. There where 5 in the box. I considered that they may have been left from the guy who used to live there, because I wasn't sure if it was the same as the one I'd seen in his wallet. But he later cleared that up for me. We did have sex, and some where in the middle he made a statement like " I should have got the durex" (oh sh_t that's whats on the box under the counter) so I play dumb ( durex who) and he says you know that condom in my wallet.
My brain is going 100 miles per hour all the pieces are starting to add up. Your friend gave you the condom - however you just happen to have a whole box in "your" bathroom - we've never used them before, and yet you know them by name. So I say to him (after sex of course) "I have several things telling me that you are sleeping with someone." "What's up with the condoms." He never catches on to the plural form - goes back to friend story. I tell him " I trust you, but right now I'd rather trust that you'll tell me the truth, instead of trusting that it didn't happen" this type of conversation went on for about 15 mins. He was pretty quiet. 2 times, I just came out of nowhere and said "tell me about." (he dosen't know what I'm talking about) "tell me about the fu--ing incident." I tell him, that if I found out now, I can get around it, and I won't freak out (he dosen't believe that) I tell him, if I find out on my own later, that I don't know what might happen. I said "don't make me believe it now, to have it slap me in my face later, please tell me about it). At this point he totally denied it and I could sense a little irritation, so I backed off. Because I believe he did it, I don't believe that it meant anything to him (but how will I know if he doesn't tell all) And I believe that he will not tell me - no matter how much I badger him.
Anyway this whole conversation was after he agreed to work on our marriage.<p>I thought that if he wasn't going to tell me and I don't really haven't any solid evidence of an actuall act - that I could forget about it. But I can't. Do I tell him, that I snooped or that I looked under cabinet for trash can and saw box, do I be quiet and monitor their use, before I say anything. Or do I keep this inside. It may set us back if he knows that I went in that cabinet, major love buster what should I do.

First off...let me begin by saying that I was a OW. I read your post, never thinking to respond but something in it stuck me.<p>Can I ask you why you had the discussion to work on your marriage in the first place. Have there been other signs that would lead to a discussion?<p>I don't think your husband will ever spill the beans if he didn't under direct questioning. I know that the man I was with often said to me that if confronted by his wife, he would never gie her the details, even if she had proof. In his mind it served no good purpose. I gave up trying to get him to see that by not telling he would cause further pain.<p>He wa snever caught but right before the end of the affair his wife asked him to work on their marriage. That is in essence why I ended the affair. I guess before that, I always assumed she knew about us...when I found out she didn't, I backed out. He is now trying to work on his marriage at her request. I hope for both of them it works.

My h left the home, because we wern't getting along. mostly because of my control issues, and his failure to communicate. He withdrew from me, for about 2 1/2 weeks after he left the home. This is the time, that I feel he may have come encounter w/ another woman. I have a brief of our entire marriage to this point on EN board. Long story short, he left screamed divorce 100% sure didn't want anything to do with our marriage. I started working plan A and he slowly started becoming more receptive to me. He notices a change in me - we've totally gotten along. And since Sunday, he has been initiating phone calls, kind of pursuing me, and kind of treating me like a wife again. Atleast treating me like a steady girlfriend. I've discussed working on it for the past month that he's been gone. Last night I said lets talk about us, and he said we can do that, we can work on our marriag.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MYB:
<strong> Do I tell him, that I snooped or that I looked under cabinet for trash can and saw box, do I be quiet and monitor their use, before I say anything. Or do I keep this inside. It may set us back if he knows that I went in that cabinet, major love buster what should I do.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I don't know why you think it would set you back if he knew you snooped on him. You had good reason to do so. You have a RESPONSIBILITY to check up on him when you have suspicions that he is not acting in your best interest. Spouses are not entitled to the "privacy" to destroy thier partners so you were perfectly within your rights to snoop on him. Don't let him make you feel guilty for doing what you SHOULD have done. You have nothing to feel guilty about. <p>As far as getting him to open up, there is not much you can do if he refuses to be truthful. Maybe presenting your evidence will do the trick but there is no guarantee. I would first try and convince him that the success of your marriage is very contingent upon knowing the absolute truth. There is no hope without it. You can survive an affair but you can't survive a continuation of deceit.

I wish you and him the best of luck. I failed at marriage, miserably. I have learnt that working on yourself is the only way to happiness.<p>He may well have had a OW encounter during your split. You asked if you should tell...let me ask you this...can you forgive him if he did? If you think the answer is yes, then maybe it is better to let it go and just focus on the future...the future you are building together.<p>He may have turned to another woman out of distress, confusion, etc. If this is the case, it probably meant very little to him. Is it worth it to bring it out?<p>My honest opinion here is he did cheat but I would be willing to ignore it if the working on the marriage is going well. It doesn't sound like it was a long-term affair or an emotional one..if anything just comfort sex.<p>In the end, only you know if you can live with it in the back of your mind. <p>Good luck and all the best.<p>Twilight
an ex-OW, trying to recover.

Thanks Melody - I really want to know the truth. I don't know how we can fix the marriage, with all the evidence I do have, and none of what I believe to be the truth from him. I want to make him realize he is creating another problem - how can I trust him. I can't. I'll always remember the condoms, and how he swore up and down he didn't sleep with anyone. I'll always think that he's out there with her. And I have never been jealous. My h can call me at 3 in the morning after club night and say he's at so and so's house and to drunk to drive, he'll see me in the morning. No problem. I've never second guessed his honesty or commitment to me and me alone. My whole family has sworn during this period that he has a new toy and I have defended him. He even asked what my family was saying and I said they think your having an Affair (I defended him to him) he seemed really offended and said I'll show them. I know it sounds wild, but my h is so honest when it comes to stuff like this, I never, even when dating had a problem with him and a woman. I pursued him, and he slammed the door in my face because he was still in the process of ending relationship w/ long time girlfriend. Stand up type of guy. If it weren't for these condoms. I would never wonder.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> let me ask you this...can you forgive him if he did? If you think the answer is yes, then maybe it is better to let it go and just focus on the future...the future you are building together.
He may have turned to another woman out of distress, confusion, etc. If this is the case, it probably meant very little to him. Is it worth it to bring it out? <hr></blockquote><p>I can live with it. I believe that he did it, I believe that it meant very little. I see what your saying, about letting it go, because it had to be short term, BUT... That dosen't soothe me, because we're missing 5 condoms, one is probably still in his wallet. I'm sure. That means that it wasn't a one time thing. I can not live with the thought that he slept with 5 other women, or that he slept with one woman 5 times. That changes everything, 5 changes everything. If you have sex with someone five times, you've built some type of relationship. I came here to get advice, but as I talk it through, I'm feeling like I have to know. 5 changes everything. I can still live with it, but I don't know that its something I can deal with, without his honesty. If I develop an insecurity about this - I have an insecurity about this, and it needs to be cleared up, I never had until last night. And if it gets bad, it can ruin everything. I wanna just print this stuff off so I won't have to tell him. <p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm leaning towards telling, but I want to do it at the right time.